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NSR...my mother strikes again...she is trying to enlist flying monkeys

halo1998's picture

Sigh..ok...the saga of my mother continued....

Backround....my sister, age 49, recently divorced from her partner.  In that process she lost her house and moved to a rental.  The last 15 years have been hard for my sister..she lost two relationships..one due to her partner stealing from their business and the second (her divorce) due to her partner being an alchoholic, lost her house and lost her business. (lost the business due to partners embelzement and her partner not paying the necessary taxes).

Ok..so now my sister at 49 is trying to find her path so to speak.  In that vain she spends a lot time canoing, hiking and camping.  Cool...and good for her if that makes her happy. 

My mom is not happy with this...she believes that my sister should spend her free time with her and my father. So wrong on so many levels.  She thinks my sister hates her and was born hating her.  (nope...but this attitude is why my sister stays away).  My mother was unhappy that I wouldn't get on the "your sister hates us all train"...cause even if she does..that's her issue not mine.  I simply said..Well I get that it makes you sad you don't see her that often.  I do think she is trying ot find herself now after the last 15 years have been hard for her.  (Wrong thing to say apparently).

Now...on Wednesday is was MA's birthday.  He decided he wanted the kids and my parents for dinner when I asked what he wanted to do.  Ok..cool.  Notice his parents were not invited..he didn't want to deal with his mother.  (this is important).

Alrighty....I worked on Weds from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m.  then went and picked up the balloon bouquet for MA..he turned 50 so I wanted to have that outside to annouce it.  :)  Then came home cooked a full low country crab boil, chedder biscuits and two pies from scratch..and I mean I made the custard/pudding, etc.  All of this was done by 6 p.m.  To say I was tired...would be understatment. 

So...long about 8 p.m. when I was cleaning up...just about done to be exact my mother comes wandering and asked if I need help.  I told her no...I was almost done and there really isn't enough room.  ( I have a small kitchen..I love it..but its small).

She then proceeded to tell me about how my sister is a hippy and has grown out her arm hair.  I was like good for her....if that's what makes her happy go for it.  Cue the cat butt face from my mother since I wouldn't engage in talking about how awfull my sister is.

Now...I will admit I was a bit terse when both MA and mom kept asking if I needed help..  About the 5th time..I did tell them no and to quit asking.

MA just took it as I was tired and I was cranky and it wasn't personal (all hail therapy folks....he would have been butt hurt before).  My mother....yea she took it personal.

This morning she sends MA..NOT ME...the following

Mother  - "I don't think Halo wanted me there for your birthday on Wednesday."

MA  "Why do you say that"

Mother - "Because she was snippy with me"

MA "Join the club she was snippy with me too.  However, I know that she was very tired by that point..she worked all day and then cooked for us all.  She was tired and I don't take personally"

Mother - "Well I don't know ..I just don't think she wanted me there.  I will just leave her alone today"

MA- "Ok good..she is really busy with work today. She has been all week."

Bwahahahahhahaha...MA aka DH...for the win.  He told me about this and was like 
Did she expect me to bad mouth you?  Your my wife...I'm not doing that"

Now DH/MA's own mother is THE QUEEN of guilt tripping and DH/MA has learned to deal with guilt tripping like a Ninja.  He was like wrong person to try and guilt trip and rope me in on this.

And this folks is why I'm a people pleaser....my mother could literally could not grasp that I was TIRED and maybe not my best.  Nope it has to be all about her.....smh....and now she is trying to gather her flying monkeys.

 

Comments

Yesterdays's picture

Your mom got mad cause you didn't want to dish drama about your sister I think.. I don't blame you for being irked after your mom tries stuff like that with you. And she should have taken your word at the first time she asked if you needed help and said no. She sounds persistent.... 

Both my mom and Mil were like this. Just keep wanting to talk about uncomfortable stuff... I just divert and change subject... Walk away... I don't care.. I refuse to be drawn into ridiculous subjects lol.

My Mil purposefully says stuff that sounds controversial then looks at us in the eyes and says "You AGREE don't you?" and I just stare back.. Hahhh. Time to go to the bathroom. 

Yesterdays's picture

Eta your sister sounds better off canoeing and hiking then being around people who think her self care is non important and want to dish negatively about her .. Crazy!! 

advice.only2's picture

I wonder if it’s that generation because my mom does the same kind of stuff.  She has always tried to drive a wedge between me and my brother.  It’s like she can’t stand us getting along and having a relationship outside of her.  She now does it with the grandkids and that royally pisses me off, thankfully they all see what she’s doing and pretty much ignore her.  I can’t imagine going through life being that bitter and hurtful and not looking at myself and thinking maybe I’m the problem and I need to change.  Nope not my mom there is no self-reflection there at all, in her mind she has been perfect.

halo1998's picture

My mother cannot get it...we have lives, other people in them and we want to do stuff.  My mom is all about...woo is me....everyone is out to get me.  blah, blah, blah...

She used to try and engage me on bashing my father...like really...he is my Dad...and I'm not going there.  She really didn't like it when I pointed out she is no angel either when complaining about my Dad. I had to tell her to stop that and I wasn't getting in the middle.  She still continue till I just straight up ignored her when she started that crap.

advice.only2's picture

My mom does this about my dad too, she ridcules him and finds fault with him and then expects us all to pile on him along with her.  Finally one day she was going off about him and I said "well you married him and stayed, so there you go."  Now she just tries to tell me how difficult it is because he's got dementia and I'm like "no he's getting older and has a bad heart, whats your excuse for forgetting everything?"  

halo1998's picture

LOL..mine will complain my dad can't get around anymore.  No kidding..he had a tumor on his spine and now has permanent nerve damage in his legs...of course he can't move around as much.

She also refuses to see that its probably painfull for him as well.  But, hey she is a saint and perfect.

She is not..she is somewhat of a slob..and sort of whiny.  At one point she whined to me she just me to take her side against my dad..and I flat out told her that wasn't going to happen and it was really unfair and inappropriate for her to ask that of me.

The cat butt face out of that one...was probably visable from Mars.

Rags's picture

My BIL1, actually it was primarily his Bovine Bride, were the masters at this.  Someone in the IL clan was always in their shit-bird seat.   No one ever would say anything directly to the shit-bird of the moment but it was open season on them behind their backs. BIL1 and the Bovine Bride would even attempt to get the shit-birds spouse to pile on.  SIL would pile on, MIL and FIL would even play along tacitly by not shutting it down.  Then Rags would show up and turn the spotlight on it all.

BIL2 never played along as he or his GF who became his wife were often in the seat.  As were DW and me, and even SS periodically.

DW would get so upset. This went on for years from when Bovine Bride branded BIL1 as her BF while he was in the Army and she basically kinapped MIL, FIL, and SIL and gave them all no choice but to accept her.  BIL went home for a short leave, and came back engaged to someone he claims he did not even remember from HS.  

After years of DW getting butt hurt about it, I told DW that if she was not going to say something to them that I did not want to hear about it any more or I would deal with it and no one would like it if I had to deal with it. She gave me a look, picked up her cell phone and called BIL1 and the Bovine Bride to ask them what their problem was.  A half an hour raging telephone fight resulted. That was the start of the devestation of the Bovine Bride and her bullshit.  14 years later she is all anxiety riddled, trolls for sympathy anywhere she can get it, and positions herself as the poor downtrodden family victim.

Interestingly, FIL would get blisteringly pissed off at the person calling it all out as the whole family is far more comfortable with the facade of blissful family happiness than dealing with the troublemakers.  FILs odd position on it all was heart breaking to my DW as it was DW who first communicated awareness of it.

That occurred when the IL clan had all (MIL, FIL, BIL1, the then Bovine GF, BIL2, and SIL) flown to visit us and to attende DW's swearing in as a CPA.  We were all heading out for a planned BBQ trail run when the Bovine GF announced that she had a migrane and that she and BIL1 were not going as she had to be in a dark room, etc.. to deal with her migrane. The rest of us left.  DW forgot her purse so we turned back so she could get it. She went into the house and overheard the Bovine GF laughing and talking about what they were going to do while everyone else was gone. We had left them the keys to our second car just in case.  DW was pissed and hurt. Instead of jerking a knot in their tails immediately, DW came out to the car with her purse, announced to everyone that the Bovine GF was faking a migrane.  Apparently DW's comment upset MIL. That evening after we got back from a inducing a meat coma on the Hill Country BBQ Trail FIL took DW aside and chewed her out and told her to never to that again.

This was a repeat thing with FIL when the shit-bird seat crap was highlighted.  No issue expressed regarding those doing the behind the back stabbing bullshit. Just anger at the person who would highlight it and call it out.

After the DW/BIL1/Bovine Bride telephone rager and start of the zero tolerance for the shit-bird seat behind the back stabbing era FIL did try to shut the spotlight and zero tolerance down.  Nope, I had a talk with him that he needed to focus on the problem and not the person/people trying to address the problem and his expression of anger towards my DW had to stop. That was the only tense discussion my FIL and I ever had after he and I stepped outside when I first met the IL family when DW and I were dating and he made it clear that I was to never touch her in anger.  I respected that. Though he did tell everyone else he had put me against the wall when he gave that message. That... never happened.  When it comes up in family gatherings I do not let the bullshit wall part of it slide. No one likes that but... for some reason, they insist on recounting how FIL put me against the wall.

Unknw

After that it was BIL1 and Bovine Bride who called a family meeting because they felt like everyone was against them.  To keep it focused on improvement and future related I took the position of facilitator, set the agenda, set the rules, and I enforced them.  I was overseas when the meeting happened. DW was there along with the rest of the IL clan and BIL2's future wife.  I had to shut BIL1 and the Bovine Bride down several times when they tried to usurp the meeting.  They did not like that at all but when I told them to either follow the rules and agenda or leave, after a scowling pouting silence from them while everyone else kept working it all out they got on board.   

The shit-bird seat is now mostly a thing of the past though it does occassionally get dragged in from the crap pile and someone will try to resurrect the process.  It is actually funny how twitchy they all get when they think we are aware of the background crap.  

 

halo1998's picture

I think she deserves to live her life like she wants. I mean good for her....and I would like to see her happy and settled.

My mother is also miffed because my sister told her..that she wanted to become a relief vet (she is veternarian) out west and live in an RV and travel.  My mother is offended because how dare she want to leave them here.  I just don't understand why my mother cannot just be happy that my sister is working on herself for once.

I'm still laughing however at her attempt to get my DH to be her flying monkey.  

Cover1W's picture

"Cue the cat butt face from my mother..."

OMG LOLOLOL my mother does this too! And she Looooooves gossip and stirring the pot. Therefore my mother gets only bits and pieces of information, nothing truly open. Ever.

MorningMia's picture

Laughing over the armpit hair comment....and loving that your DH stopped her in her tracks when it came to you. My dad used to refer to women like this as bored people with nothing better to do than stir up s***. Annoying to say the least.