Father's day....day of profound disappointment and a question
SMH....depsite me telling SD a few weeks ago to stop throwing her father over for Beaver, SD still throws DH out with the bath water to see Beaver. Now on Thursday SD sent DH a message..no hi how are you...but just the beauty school wants their down payment so that i can register. (mmmm.....really). That is the only message DH gets from SD..meanwhile...SD facetimes with the old Beaver 5 and 6 times A DAY.
Yesterday was both Father's Day here in the US and it was Beaver's Birthday...care to guess which one of those won out. It wasn't Father's Day. SD stayed here on Saturday...which when she got here, the rest of us...my DH, me and my two kids...were just getting back from my parents where we...
1. celebrated Father's Day with my Dad
2. Put down mulch for my parents since at 82 and 78...they can't be laying 65 bags of mulch in 80+ degree weather.
SD was shocked that we went somewhere...uhm yea SD your father and I don't sit around just staring at each other when your not here. We have lives....
Sunday morning....we got up to go to breakfast...to celebrate DH. I tried to wake SD twice.....and then DH had to go in and tell her we were leaving in 5 minutes.
Here is where my blood started to boil...SD wandered down in the pj pants and shirt she slept in and thought she was going out in that. No mamam.....your oranged tooth rodent for a mom might accept your stinky ass going like but I will NOT. Told SD in no uncertain terms to go upstairs and put clean clothes on and brush her damn hair. Seriously...at 18 I should NOT have to say these things.
Go to breakfast...SD sat there like a brick wall. I call her Lurch...since all she does is grunt and speaks very monotone. No Happy Father's Day...no nothing. It was freaking painful.
Get home.. .SD goes right up to her room. NO gift...no Happy Father's..no lets watch a movie Dad..NOTHING.
I'm fuming but not going to say anything....about an hour later SD comes and is like...Oh hey I'm going to Mom's now...and mumbles Happy Father's Day.
FREAKING EH....Sd was at the flarking mall on Saturday and could have gotten a card or SOMETHING. Nope..just bought herself makeup.
So....sorry to be so long...but here is the question.
DH is feeling like an ATM..and I agree with him on that one. You want your Father to shell out 17k for cosmetology school but can't get him a damn card or hold a conversation with him like normal human? Now part of the 17k will be funded by me...DH doesn't quite have the full amount...and I agreed that I would help him out and he would pay the saving back. I am at the point of pulling that funding (with DH's blessing)..and telling SD ...get Beaver to fund that last 2 to 3k.
DH...doesn't quite know how to address this with SD. DH himself is the point of telling SD...find funding...and if you pass everything I will reimburse you. DH wants to impress on SD...you cannot keep using people..you are not a child and relationships are reciprical, not just one way. Also....DH feels lilke this situation is very close to what happened with GWR..aka SS. He was very sad yesterday. Does he address this or leave it alone...Does he tell SD he is not an ATM..and to get Beaver, Beaver Sr and Mr. Beaver Sr to fund part of this? Am I right in pullilng my funds?
Now..I do know that alot of this is what DH sowed all those years when he checked out and left everything to me. However, in the last 2 years DH has been working really hard to change that since he realized he really did tank most of his relationships. I told DH, since he has been the one driving the cosmetology school...to stop and let SD take that wheel. If she does nothing..then we pack up her crap and tell her...please move to your mothers.
ARGGGH..help..I don't know what to tell DH.
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Comments
Beaver needs to help fund
I definitely feel like you need to impress on SD that she needs to square up and put some effort into the relationship. Even H over here mentioned to Feral Forger that she cant expect him to always do what she wants him to, and just hand over money after shes made no effort to a relationship.
Powersulk bought her father chocolate truffles. I took them and my parents out to an expensive lunch where she powersulked...and then went out with friends...
Cosmetology school
I don't know if you should require Beaver to help pay but in any case, if SD is on board to go, pay the tuition so she goes. SD62 went to cosmetology school right after high school. She probably made more $ from it over the years than BD did with her BFA. And, she was able to make $ from home when she was a SAHM.
I guess what I'm saying is don't let your (justifiable) anger at SD's behavior derail the plan. It's to your own future benefit for her to get her license.
But, she does sound like a little pita.
I agree with this. If SD
I agree with this. If SD really wants to go and learn the trade then I would not be pulling promised funding because she is still a surley teen. She isn't going to get on any better with her Dad if he goes back on the deal to fund her course.
Maybe your husband can sell something so that you don't have to pull from your savings? Or get a small loan?
If her attitude does not improve then it is definately fair to say that the course fee is the final finacial support that your household will give her. Your husband will have done more than enogh to help set her up on a good path forwards and it is up to her to make the most of it from there.
DH had a similarly
DH had a similarly disappointing holiday. Little Idiot sent her "Happy Father's Day" Text (Though, no "I love you" added in this time. Something is up with her.)
The neighbors were having a big party. All the kids and grandkids were over and you could hear everyone laughing. Music was playing. I think it bothered DH that his daughter couldn't even be bothered to send a card. Well she is just like her mom and he thought that was a good person to be the mother of his child so it is what it is.
We went to my parents and had a nice dinner with them. I made A huge bowl of potato salad (my dad's favorite) and brought him a gift and a card. He requested to keep ALL the potato salad haha, which he does every time it's made for him.
DH made the bitter comment "... and I received my text message..." and I couldn't help but say "and just think, you'll get another one on your birthday.
I offered to make a meal and gifts and such of a fuss for DH but he declined. He said "Why? You're not my daughter." I did give him a card anyways which he appreciated. I think it's just not the same when it doesn't come from your child.
Its all from the COD PITA Playbook
Two weeks back, my mother-in-law handed over $400 to YSD, while just a week and a half ago, I gave her $120 for painting a bedroom and suggested she use it to buy her father something 'nice' for Father's Day. She lied and said she would. So, needless to say, this skid had quite a bit of cash to play with.
A few days later, I bought a Father's Day card and a gift card for my DH. I showed him the card and gift card the very next day. This week, we went shopping for YSD and splurged on expensive new shoes and all the clothes she wanted, with none of her own money spent.
Come Father's Day, I asked YSD (the only skid to visit) to sign the card and include my name, which she did. I even prepared a special meal, and we all enjoyed it together.
Do you want to guess what YSD gave DH for Father's Day?
A cheap Drug Store candy bar.
Considering the history, it's still an improvement—I've been here long enough to know the skids haven't cared about their father enough to show him any appreciation. NOTHING ever changes. It's all a one-way relationship - DH and I give, give, and give - the skids - not so much!
I believe the reasons are complex and deeply rooted:
Children of divorce (CODs) often struggle with low empathy due to their parents' parenting, which includes degrading remarks and triangulating them against their other biological parent and stepparent. Check!
They may have been raised to believe that the family revolves solely around them, leading to a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. Check!
Unresolved anger towards their father, likely fueled by their mother or surrounding the divorce, can contribute to their emotional struggles and relationship dynamics. Check!
Additionally, some CODs may exhibit traits of laziness and entitlement stemming from the belief that they deserve special treatment or privileges without effort. CHECK!
When I showed DH the Father's Day card and gift, it was to emphasize that I fully support him; I have his back, unlike his children from a previous relationship, who DO NOT prioritize him in the same way, and I appreciate and love him.
PS, Skid's in for a rude awakening
She is in for a rude awakening when this last skid turns 18 next year!
Next year, I'm done being a NICE and GENEROUS, 'evil' stepmother.
I hope that next year, DH is DONE, too! I can tell he's getting there.
Yes, DH needs to address it, and yes, you should pull the funds
Shit behavior gets shit results. Let SD learn that lesson. If DH is hell bent on funding beauty school, the pay off her loans if she delivers to his standards of grade performance is how I would do it. Not a graduated approach either, meet expectations on every class, or... no money. None of this "But I only failed ..... classes!" Welcome to adulthood shit spawn.
Act like shit, then wallow in your own stench. Better she learns this at 18 than goes down her own life's shitter for who knows how long. Some kids need to finish growing up on their own time and on their own dime. SS is one of these.
IMHO.
The avg cost of Cosmetology school is $5K-$20K. It shounds that the school SD has chosen is at the higher end of the average spectrum. Considering that the avg annual income for a Cosmetologist is less than $30K/yr, this is not a wise investment IMHO.
SD dreams not withstanding, I would not spend my money on this. Make her borrow and perform, then her dad will pay off her loans. At least that is not gambling that she will actually graduate. I would add a post graduation performance stipulation on loan pay off. She has to graduate, pass her licensing testing, and actually work full time as a cosmetologist for a year and not attempt to borrow money from daddy for anything. Then, I would consider retiring her loans.
This here is what I wanted to do...17k is alot
but DH keep comparing to my two kids...who attended 4 year colleges, got scholarships, etc. SD is an average student at best..and prone to pushing off school if something else more "fun" is to be had. My two, they knew they had to keep a at B average and get no less than a C in any any class or the bank of Mom would close. But, both my kids are studious and understood the value of an education. I had no qualms about funding them..SD...yea not so much.
I will say DH is at the point of where you are...shit behaviour then....oh well figure out your own funding. DH has been helping SD with the things needed for school..but after the last text...of "they want their money dad"...with no "how are you doing Dad"..or "whats up Dad"...DH is now stepping back and waiting for SD to come to him to finish the registration process. (my prediction SD will not do anything....enrollment period will go by).
We will see....I will pull my funding and DH agrees. I have no obligation to SD and thus since she cannot seem to get her head out of her mother's rear end right now...I have no issues with saying..nope..go ask Beaver for the money.
There is no comparision
There is no comparision between cosmetology and a university undergraduate degree. Not even remotely similar.
I am a proponant of any education, but not all education is equivelent or comparable. I hope your DH is not trying to compare his DD's cosmetology dreams to your kid's university educations.
My university BFF's niece went to a top tier name brand cosmetology school. She paid a crap ton of money for that school. $35K sticks in my mind. She only worked in that field for maybe a year. Sadly she is not the prototypical type to build a strong clientel in a beauty oriented industry. Apparently she was top tier in color processing.
For her, sadly, no one wanted an extremely overweight decidedly unattractive stylist. She ended up getting a sign language certificate and works as a translator for a rural school district. I don't think she has touched a pair of hair cutting scissors in a decade+ and still owes a ton of $$$ on school. Though she owes my university BFF all of that money. Against my advice, he paid it on the agreement that she would pay him back so that she would not get harrassed by student loan collections.
No one ever mentions it, except me, when she comes up in conversation. Right now, she and her GF and her mother *my BFFs SIL) are trying to save the home her dad just bought not long before he passed. They are pushing a go fund me to try to keep the basically brand new manufactured home from being repossessed.
My BFF has a heart of gold that costs him dearly over, and over, and over again.
For the first time in our 34 year friendship he pinged me for help. He asked if I would contribute to the save the house GFM. I told him I could not do that knowing what I know about his niece, his SIL, and their never ending parade of stupid financial decisions. He said he understood. I asked him if he had ever gotten his beauty school money back and if he was planning on saving their house. He got very quiet. I advised him to protect himself and not to let his heart cost him yet again. He said he knows. He has not brought it up again. It has been a few months.