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OT- i need help if someone can offer me advice- marriage problem.

happymostly's picture

Submitted by happymostly on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 8:50pm

i'll try to keep this short. me and dh have been married for 8 months, known him for almost 4 years. He's not happy with me. He says i dont have enough passion for him, that I dont try enough (mostly on sexual issues -my sex drive definitely is not as high as his either) he's been feeling this way for quite some time. I have tried to make things better, spice things up, but its not a consistent thing. I do it for a few days and then i go back to being the same way as before. How do you guys keep passion and romance alive in the marriage? I feel sad writing this because its only been 8 months Sad I am not sure what is wrong with me, if I am not putting our marriage first, letting other things get in the way of our relationship... I do love dh veryyyy much, and I do see my lack of passion at times, and I feel like I shouldnt have to be trying, but that it should be there, since I love him so much. Anyone have any tips or do you guys relate at all?

Comments

happymostly's picture

Submitted by happymostly on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 9:32pm

I have always been kind of like that though (low sex drive), I do enjoy the act of sex, and pleasing the other person, but I definitely would be okay with getting it 1 or 2 times a week. It just isnt very high on my list, which I dont really understand either because I do enjoy it... so shouldnt I want it more?

i think alot of it has to do with just being married and stress ($$ and sd/bm). We were away from each other for 5 months (first 5 months basically) and hes my 1st serious relationship/marriage (while he had bm; they werent married but were together 6ish years; so his 'gender roles' and relationship expectations were all there and he knows what to expect in a long relationship) and being married is definitely different (at least for me) than just living together. I have a commitment to myself and him I have to uphold and I think I am still learning what all I need to do in that lifetime commitment. I feel so young compared to him, im only 4 years younger, but he has an 'older soul' been through alot, so he can be more mature than me at times. I feel like he leans alot more on me than I do on him, whereas Im more independent and dont feel like I need someone else to do something for me when I can do it myself. So anytime theres a problem, its usually with me.

Frustrated New Wife's picture

Submitted by Frustrated New Wife on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 10:26pm

I totally understand. Me and DH are "newly" married as well and my libido has decreased significantly. I do enjoy it, but it is getting to the part that I enjoy that feels like it takes a great deal of effort for me. As Furie says, men expect us to get turned on like we are some kind of light switch and it just doesn't work that way. I think mine has to do with stress, honestly. I moved 1000 miles away from all of my family and friends to be with my DH who is gone 75% of the time for his job. I feel very isolated because of this and makes me lonely and at times I get depressed. I think this what has had the biggest impact on my sex drive.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. Your DH needs to be a little more understanding instead of just thinking of his own desires. I could tell my DH was disappointed as well, but I explained to him that it is hard for me too. This lack of libido isn't something I want. I can't help it that my body is reacting in such a way that "deprives" him of having sex as often as he wants. He seems to be a bit more understanding now.

ddakan's picture

Submitted by ddakan on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 10:47pm

well you might be more tired. interest levels change throughout life, up and down.

things you can do is be fresh and showered, smell good. be available. try to make it play time. send him a naughty text during the day and you will find yourself getting a little bit excited too! it is about enjoying each other, not a chore. we just do different things to have fun and be spontaneous. when i had little ones, the last thing I wanted to do is "play" with my 1st husband, i wasn't too attracted to him. i was trying to figure out how to take care of 2 babies and I wasn't that interested in his "needs" when I had a 3 month old and a 17 month old. He resented the 2nd kid and was throwing baby fits for attention. i was like, dude, chill, i'm trying to take care of two little ones with no previous experience. quit whining all the damn time and frikin help me!! it wasn't just about him and his sex needs, i needed help figuring out how to take care of babies!

my 2nd husband and i have chemistry where i am putty in his hands and although we don't have a problem being exciting, we just happen to have 7 kids between us that sometimes prevent noise and it is maddening!

be exciting. take charge sometimes. he probably just doesn't want to be the one wanting it all the time. let him know you have some sexy need that require some attention! get different body creams and spice it up that way. even walmart has this stuff. get bath and body stuff or some cute pjs

you don't have to be kinky or anything. just play with him and be interested in his body and let him be interested in yours...it sounds like that is what he wants. this happens in relationships, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. if you love him and know his needs try to meet them. he should also try to meet your needs...for intimacy, support, etc.

btw...we're 45, so we've had some time to work on these things.

somerg's picture

Submitted by somerg on Mon, 01/17/2011 - 7:43am

talk to your doctor, but something my dh and i do to make things funner, is play family games, like phase 10 (mainly) and who ever wins that hand gets to tell the other what to do, can be anything from clothes, to a dance....it's fun

we also, will play "photoshoot" where 1 is the photographer, and the other is the subject.............that's fun

go do something spontanious, play bartender/whore........that can get interesting

lovesthemall's picture

Submitted by lovesthemall on Mon, 01/17/2011 - 8:07am

I agree with ddakan... My first marriage sex felt like a job but now almost every other day with bf ...I think it helps if you both know what you like/love behind close doors. Try something new I also think being comfortable and open with your sex life brings about the spark.... Good luck....

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Mon, 01/17/2011 - 11:10am

I can relate. I always worried this would be an issue with me and DH. I used to have a high sex drive, but he "gets bored" easily and doesn't like to be creative which makes it even harder. I'm now 7 months pregnant and worried because we never have sex anymore. I worry he'll be upset with me, but I think he's as confused as I am. He wants sex, but he's so worried about me being uncomfortable that it hasn't worked well for us more recently that he won't even try. I wish we would talk more about it because for a while I thought it was that he was just plain unattracted to me. Sad Men, sex, and marriage is not easy!