I am currently in a verbally abusive relationship. I think a lot of knowing whether or not something is abuse is how it makes you feel in your gut. Are you being respected? Also, if certain things only happen in extreme instances, it may not be an abusive relationship.

I realized that I was in a verbally abusive relationship after going to a therapist when my H denied having any problems and said I must be the problem. (typical deflection and not taking responsibility for his own actions).

Although he has never been physically abusive, I worry that he could be. I also know of an incident between him and BM where the police were called but BM never pressed charges. He does a lot of the little signs that things might progress (breaking and throwing things & physically restraining me from leaving when we are fighting).

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Abusers tend to latch on to who they think is an easy victim.

Oh, even with everything I have told you about MY situation, I do not think that just because someone has a violent episode in their past, that they will be repeat offenders with someone else. I have a friend who is one of the most easy going guys that I know who had to be pulled off his girlfriend at a party. They broke up and he got together with another of my friends.

That was 18 years ago and they've been happily married for 16 of those years. No abuse.

I hope that helps!

My FDH had some issues too with his ex. But she was abusive as well. I think he mostly just defended himself and tried to restrain her. I actually knew him and her through other acquaintances and witnessed 1st hand what she was capable of. He still has a quick temper, but I have no doubt that he'd ever try that with me. I am such a passive person...it kind of freaks him out how I don't ever freak out. lol He doesn't really yell, except at FSD, but with me, it's usually pretty calm. His ex was a piece of work though. She actually attacked him (while he was sleeping, mind you) and then called the cops when he pushed her off of him. She got herself arrested that night. lol She was the first to throw a punch, but the first to start crying about getting hurt too. I'm a big believer that if you can dish it out, you better be able to take it. I don't care if you are male or female, you don't hit your partner.

My ex-BF was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He was also addicted to cocaine and a compulsive liar. I was really young and believed all of his lies, so I didn't know he was using for quite some time into the relationship.

It started out by alienating me from my friends and family, then it progressed to I could never do better than him and I was worthless, ugly, etc., etc. He began to throw things at me and threatening me. Then the physical abuse started. He would beat the crap outta me. I would fight back, but of course he was much bigger than me and usually high so he had a lot more strength than I did at 105 lbs. Me being young (18) and stupid and not ever seeing drugs before, he would slip me a drug for a "headache" and I would be kind of out of it and he would take advantage of me even though I was telling him no.

I finally got out of the relationship, but he continued to stalk me until he got put in prison for God knows what.

All that being said, I think you are being smart looking out for yourself. I agree with Sky, ALWAYS listen to your gut.

My ex-husband was verbally and mentally abusive towards me. It started gradually and got steadily worse over a few years. He lost his job and his dad in the same year and became depressed, then started taking it out on me. I thought that he would get better with time and medication but instead he gave up and didn't even try to help himself, blaming me for everything, trying to control and isolate me and making me feel like the ugliest, most useless woman on earth. I got severe depression and was ill both mentally and physically for a long time. I put up with it for 17 years before leaving him.
Looking back, there were warning signs which I should have noticed - the way he treated his mother should have set alarm bells ringing but I was young and naive. He also proved himself to be very immature - it wasn't obvious at first because his friends still acted around like young guys sometimes do, but they all started to grow up while he was the one left behind, still acting like a stupid kid.
I think you are right to be concerned about your partner's past behaviour, specially if he has a short temper. He has been honest with you though, and he has tried to help himself with therapy, which shows he is aware of his problem and wants to control it. Has he said anything about the circumstances surrounding the incident with his ex? Physical violence against a partner is never acceptable, but were there other factors like alcohol or drugs involved, as these are things that could be avoided in future to reduce the risk of it happening again?
I would keep a close eye on things and go with your gut feeling. Don't allow him to dismiss anything that bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable, and don't accept blame for things you know are not your fault. There are some good websites about abuse - one I've found useful is the Abuse Support board at ivillage.co.uk (sorry, don't know how to post a link), but if you scroll down far enough you'll find a list of useful links to articles about abuse and how to spot the warning signs.
Hope this helps a bit.

Well, knowing what a pain in the ass BM was, I'm sure his anger got the best of him and hopefully he learned from it.

I was abused by my former husband of 15 years, but not physically. He would isolate me from my family/friends, withhold affection/attention if/until, he wouldn't let me have money to spend, refused to allow me to work or go to college, let me know I never did anything right and treated me with general disrespect. He got psycho when I went to dinner with a friend and tried to search a movie theater with a flashlight to find me.

I think after 8 years, the hitting, pushing, abusing physically would have started. I've been pushed down and hit in the past and it didn't take very long for that behavior to come out.

One thing I learned is that letting them know..you are gone if it happens...is a good thing, like you have done. Also, it is never good to start a physical fight with a man by slapping, hitting, pushing him or throwing things at him. This encourages them to fight back and pushes the woman into jeopardy because we are not as strong as they are. A lot of women physically abuse and then expect the man to take it. Some men don't take it well.

Anyway, those are my thoughts tonight

My DH can be abusive. I am a very non-confrontational person. When I grew up, my parents never yelled, and I learned early on that saying an apology even if I felt I didn't do anything wrong helped keep the peace and so we didn't have many ugly situations at home. DH comes from the opposite background. He and BM were both rather violent. DH is the guy that will scream and yell at another driver on the road if he gets cut off. BM broke a window in my Inlaws house during a fight years ago. DH broke many doors throughout his relationship with BM.

With me, DH has in the past thrown things (never at me). He is also very jealous and I had to give up all my old male friends that I had prior to meeting him. I still play tennis with only men, but for some reason that never bothered DH. Anyway, last year this all came to a head. We went to a party, and he got mad at me for leaving him alone. We got into a huge fight, and when we got home, he took my Blackberry (physically wrestled it from me) and smashed it, then took my bedside lamp and smashed it into the bedroom door, then took his fist and continued to destroy the door. I called 911 on his cell phone because I was scared he would destroy the rest of the house. He was charged with a couple of misdemeanors, and I thought our marriage was over. At the police station, the psychologist and police officer both called me an abused woman. They encouraged me to filed a restraining order but I didn't.

In the end, we went to counseling (to help reduce his charges) but it really helped us as a couple. DH hasn't thrown anything since. We both realize our backgrounds and personalities are different, so we try to keep that in mind when we get upset with each other. We're now expecting our first child together, and I'm hopeful that DH will control himself as I refuse to raise my child in a violent home.