Attitude, Candy and Giving Up
SS13 came back to our house on Wednesday for a partial week (sometimes DH and BM split a week when adjustments need to be made -- in this case, so the schedule works for BM to have him for spring break). Only four days, but, boy, the attitude...
DH told SS he's no longer allowed to have dogs in his room because he keeps taking candy and chocolate in there. DH said "You realize if the dogs got chocolate it could make them sick?" SS looked at him like he was a moron and sort of scoffed. Annoyed, DH asked him "How would you feel if you took food in there and they got it and got really sick?" He just shrugged and gave him this "so what?" look. This did nothing to make either one of us less pissed.
DH asked SS if this was a problem at BM's. "No. Because I can do what I want there." Lovely. We knew that already, but to hear him say it...
So, tonight, DH took him to baseball practice. SS moved up to a new league as he aged out of the old one. One of the coaches corrected SS on something and told him what he needed to do and SS did his thing where he clenches his jaw and stares. He does that whenever he's corrected or told how to do anything. I told DH that attitude isn't going to serve him well in baseball or anything else. If he can't accept criticism, tips or instructions, he's going to miss out. Also, he's getting to the level in baseball where they're going to be tougher on him and not coddle him or worry about his feelings.
Anyway, there's a scrimmage game tomorrow and DH mentioned to SS that we might go to watch. He sort of sneered, "why? We may not even do it."
So, now DH says we won't go. Keeps saying he's at the point he just wants to give SS to BM and pay support instead of dealing with him. He's just blowing off steam. But I admit, I'm trying, but I like this kid less and less.
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If SS continues to bring
If SS continues to bring candy into his room despite being told not to multiple times and that it can hurt the dog, there need to be consequences. And if SS doesn't want you guys to go to his games, don't go unless you really want to and find it enjoyable. I have personally never felt the need to martyr myself to my kids' activity schedules. If they want me to attend something and i can, i go. If it's something i want to see, whether or not they want me there, i go. But if i didn't want to go and they didn't want me there, i never felt an obligation to go just because it's what parents do.
Right now, the consequence is
Right now, the consequence is he's not allowed to have our dogs in his room. Little dog isn't interested, but our new, big guy likes to go in with him sometimes and SS seemed happy with it. Big dog is the first dog we've had that gives SS the time of day.
DH also told him and BM no electronics next time he comes -- just his phone, which he can have for the school bus ride.
It won't make a difference. No consequence or punishment DH has tried works. Not even fining him. SS knows in a few days he'll be back at Disney BM. DH said she gets bothered or upset, but tells DH "I can't do anything about it, so I just let it go." Basically, he lies, misbehaves, goofs off and she doesn't bother trying to correct the behavior. Which makes it that much harder for us.
Regardless, I told DH dog safety and the threat of pests are my lines in the sand and I will not allow us to follow BM's example.
Nothing works because of the
Nothing works because of the whole failure to effectively apply consequences thing.
Stand his ass in a corner with his nose holding the walls together for hours on end from the moment he arrives. No personal interaction, no watching TV or doing things with the rest of the family. He sits down for meals with everyone, gets 15mins to eat, then he cleans his dishes and back to the corner.
Lather.... rinse... repeat.
Since candy in his room is a thing, take his bed, take the door off of his room. If he can't respect the rules regarding candy in his bedroom, make his room decidedly unpleasant and uncomfortable.
Spineless parenting and kid coddling bullshit never works.
When there are established and enforced standards of behavior and standards of performance, this kind of crap does not happen. Prioritizing kid fee fees over kid behavior and expected performance creates basement dwelling kidult leeches that never go away.
We would have been hauling buckets of gravel back and forth across the yard every weekend if we had failed to deliver to the standards expected. Fill two buckets off of a pile, carry them across the yard, dump them on the new pile. Once the first pile was moved to the new pile, do it again back in the other direction. No pay. It was not a job, it was a mindless physical consequence for choosing to violate the rules.
Getting paid, happened when I was digging a basement under the house by hand in my early to mid teens. $10 per cubic yard of dirt. It came out of the crawlspace and went into the vegetable garden. Which I tilled and prepped for mom every growing season. That was a chore, not a paid job. That basement job bought me two nice bicycles. I had the coolest bicycles in the neighborhood. Kids used to give me shit for being spoiled until I showed them how I was able to buy the bikes. Invariably kids would want to help dig the basement. That never lasted more than a single day. I got paid $10/yd^3. I paid my helpers $8/yd^33. I figured as the job broker, I should get $2/yd^3.
“Keeps saying he's at the
“Keeps saying he's at the point he just wants to give SS to BM and pay support instead of dealing with him. “
I have felt this way about every single one of my kids and Spawn when they were this age. Early teenagers are assholes, it doesn’t matter what you do they suck. Honestly, I expected it with Spawn, but what a slap in the face it was when my BS and BD did it around the same ages. Eventually they do grow out of most of the assholeness, but in some cases this is who they will be.
This describes SS11 perfectly
This describes SS11 perfectly. He has a massive attitude problem. He is an overall jerk. Got worse over the years. He also does the glare stare with the jaw pout whenever he gets criticised or doesn't get a goal or wins or makes a mistake. Terrible trait! He is pretty quiet at ours and keeps himself in check most of the time though.. only because he knows he won't get away with it with us. At Toxic BM's he is a complete ass to everyone there and gets no correction what so ever. She just ignores him so she doesn't have to deal with it so naturally he gets away with it.
It is very frustrating! Hard for you to get along with that's for sure.
My SILs eldest was one of
My SILs eldest was one of these glare stare, cry when he does't get his way, loses, etc... kids.
He is now in his mid to late teens and is a pretty good young man. I still can't stand his little sister.
He wanted oh so much to be my DW's favorite and mine. The problem, we didn't allow him to cheat. We play games by the rules. My SIL would try to comfort him with "They don't play the way we do sweetyyyyyyyy!". DW and I would call that shit out in real time. "We play by the rules. Here is the rule book." and we would read the rules outloud to him/them. He would argue. We would make him read the rules outloud for everyone. Which would piss SIL off to no end and put our nephew into even deeper depths of pout glare stare pissed off that he lost appoplexy. So, our nephew and his baby sister would retreat to their tent on camping trips and sulk. When it was time to go do stuff, we just got in our car with whoever wanted to ride with us and left. SIL would call all pissed off that we forget them. Not because she did not have her own car, but because she did not want to burn her own gas. If she and her spawn rode with us, she would also try to play the "I don't have any money for tickets, lunch, icecream for me and the kids." DW and I would reply. That is too bad. Why don't you and your kids wait over there until the rest of us are done."
Miraculously .... whe would find money for lunch, tickets, icecream, etc.... Then they would all pollute the activity with their stare glare pouting bullshit. DW and I made sure to engage actively with everyone else so the glare stare SIL squad would not ruin our time or anyone elses.
Same script visit, after visit, after visit.