It’s not the same thing!
One of the things that bothers me about SS10 (really more DH) is food and drink. SS would take good or drink up to his room and then leave the container or cup or whatever there instead of returning it when through. I try to keep my mouth shut on most things but this was one I felt the need to speak up. I don't mind stuff in his room IF he's responsible. He's demonstrated he's not. If he spills something, he leaves it. He had never brought something back to the kitchen unless told to. I have a fear of that leading to bugs or to the dogs getting something that could make them sick.
DH agreed to cut it out. Then I find out that sometimes he's still letting him do it. He tells him "Hastings isn't here so it's ok for you to do it this time." His dad used to do that for him with his mom.
I was pissed. Apparently he didn't see:
1) This is different. I'm not SS's mom. If he sees me as a tyrant, there's no latent love to carry things through. He can just blame/hate me.
2) DH has always resented his mom for being strict. Yet he complains I'm not close enough to SS. Well, if you're going behind my back and throwing me under the bus to SS what do you expect? Remember how you felt/feel about your mom? Well, you're setting SS to feel that way towards me.
3) If you don't agree with me, fine. But be honest with me.
Anyway, we're moving and DH finally seems to be realizing SS just isn't responsible enough for certain privileges. He's already talking about a no food or drink upstairs rule. This after SS spilled a glass of lemonade in his room at our temp rental home, DH heard it and instructed him how to clean it up, and it was still there an hour later.
So, maybe he finally gets why I suggested the rule? He went on a rant this weekend about how spoiled and entitled SS is and that he's sick of it.
Doesn't change the fact that he really seems to not understand that he's undermining me with SS and then blaming me for it.
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Comments
Personally, I'd check SS's
Personally, I'd check SS's room every day and make DH clean anything I find, or bring any dishes back to the kitchen.
I've done that. Then DH gets
I've done that. Then DH gets irritated with me for being constantly critical.
Maybe it's time you pointed
Maybe it's time you pointed out that he's a slob and is encouraging his son to be one too - is he proud of that?
Maybe it's time you pointed
Maybe it's time you pointed out that he's a slob and is encouraging his son to be one too - is he proud of that?
That's the thing -- DH is a
That's the thing -- DH is a neat freak. SS's carelessness and messiness drives him nuts. He just does little about it.
That's the point, to annoy
That's the point, to annoy him. So he will put pressure on SS to clean up after himself.
You know this is a DH problem
First he doesn't have your back, or DH and SS are disrespecting you. " she's not here so it's ok ". Your DH is trying to be friends with his DS. This is what a " friend " does. Teachers back it turned so everything is ok.
Your DH is a bad parent, he not teaching his DH how to act in life, I,E. It's ok as long as it's not seen. He will pull this in school, at future work , and will pay the price for that down the road.
You must put your foot down, have that talk with DH. Demanding that he respect you and your rules. Or disengagement is in order. You still have rules, but do nothing for SS. Have a cleaning company come in on your DH $ to clean up after SS. Once a week. And request from SS. Your answer is ask your father, your bio parents will handle that. No clean clothes, call your father. Your sick , call your father. It's birthday,Christmas, let DH handle it. No free babysitter, DH has to make arrangements for child care, to and from school, sports, drotors,
Agreed. That's what bugs me.
Agreed. That's what bugs me. This is setting SS up for trouble later. DH talks all the time about how he hates lying and he wants SS to come to him about things. Well, SS lies repeatedly and covers stuff up. Yet DH doesn't address it in any meaningful way. I've already started backing off on things. But when it involves pontential damage to life, limb or property...
At least DH takes care of most things. I cook for all three of us because I enjoy cooking and we do have meals together. But school, sports, etc., are all DH's domain.
Oh, so your DH is sick of the
Oh, so your DH is sick of the little monster HE created? Call the waaaaaaaah-mbulance!
I agree with tog that your DH needs to be SS's personal housemaid and clean up after him. That's what worked with my DH. It took a lot of tongue-biting on my part and serious willpower to NOT clean up some craptastic messes, but it finally paid off. DH reached his breaking point and the Disney Dad died.
I would personally let him
I would personally let him take stuff to his room.. but put it on your DH to deal with it.
If your DH isn't on board with the rule.. which he clearly isn't... let him deal with it 100%.
Agreed. DH thinks it's okay?
Agreed. DH thinks it's okay? Fine. He can clean up all the messes.
I'd ream him a new one for making me the meanie so he can look like nice dad, though.
Oh, I told him why that was
Oh, I told him why that was the wrong approach and just how unfair and damaging that was. Did he get it? No clue.
Yeah, you have to get loud
Yeah, you have to get loud and angry about it.
It is so wrong for him to
It is so wrong for him to undermine you like that! You aren't some tyrant- no food in bedrooms is a VERY COMMON rule in most people's houses. At least people who don't want bugs.
I am sure that he saw it for a moment and then the next time he sees SS it will all be out the window because actual parenting takes work. It is a little sad that BM has to be the strict one, and it was that way when they were together even. Our kids aren't our friends- we have a job to raise decent humans that are going to go out in the world one day.
I may not have been clear on
I may not have been clear on that - BM isn't the strict one. If anything, she's more lenient and coddles him like crazy. It's DH's mom who's strict and who DH resented for it.
But I agree. It's not a big ask. And I very much believe parents shouldn't be friends with kids. There's a balance. My parents were strict about some things. But they also knew when to relax and have fun with us. My sisters and I could go to them about anything but we always knew where the respect line was. I don't think DH gets that. Probably because his parents weren't good at balance either.
This is so terrible bit
This is so terrible bit pretty typical. It can feel almost like a dare to see if you'll say anything. This happens to me sometimes and my SO doesn't seem to understand that the more minor the issue he undermines me about the more it sets a general tone that I'm not important. So I say please don't eat potato chips for lunch and he immediately says you can have ten potato chips but then you have to eat a pear. If you're going to contradict me make it about something important like ear piercing or watching an R rated movie or something! I also have 2 bio children with him and it's remarkably easier for him to get behind my decisions for them - everything's great! I'm such a great mom! Our sons are so lucky! Five minutes screen time? Great. Bed at 8pm? Great. But you want MY kid to be done with his computer game now? Hmm I think I'll give him ten more minutes. *fool*
I do feel like it unfairly makes us seem petty and pedantic about things like eating in bedrooms but stick to your guns. Eating in his bedroom is not a need, you're not punishing him, you're not being mean.
"Being mean" - not at all!
"Being mean" - not at all! But I know how kids think. To SS, anyone who won't let him do something (or makes him do something he doesn't want to) is mean. A lot of kids think that way. I get it. But DH reinforces that thinking by doing what he's been doing.
So, he wants the rule - he
So, he wants the rule - he just what's it to be YOUR rule, so he can be the nice guy.
Pretty much. He can be tough
Pretty much. He can be tough with him. I've seen it. But I've also seen him deflect stuff to me. I'm not SS's mom. Any rules need to come from DH alone.
Is it a hill to die on?
My BF and I have been together almost 4 years. I truly like his 2 boys. They're really good kids. I get on with them really well. However, they're both teenagers and not great a picking up after themselves. I mention it to BF and he does ask them to pick up, however, they're not always great at doing it. This is my only complaint. I don't hound BF or the kids over it. Sometimes I just pick up the stuff myself, sometimes I let it sit there until BF picks it up. I've decided that is not a hill to die on considering they're truly really good kids.
Edit to add: My BF is extremely supportive of me, and because of this, the kids are very well behaved (as far as teens go).
Messes aren't a hill to die
Messes aren't a hill to die on, really. I don't care if his room is messy. I don't mind if he has an accident. I do care if food or drink gets spilled and not picked up (bugs, stains on the floor). Or if snacks are left out for the dogs to get as it could make them sick. Once he just left an open jar of peanut butter (brand new) in his room and one of our dogs got into it.
My main issue is the disrespect from DH, the agreeing with me, then conspiring with SS and basically signaling to him that rules come from me and therefore I'm the wicked stepmom.
That's great that your situation is better! Cooperation and respect really are key.
Well, then close SS's door
Well, then close SS's door and let things fester in there. When DH finally notices, he can clean it up.
Unless your dogs can open doors.
DH needs to support you more.
I think you nailed it when you said "my main issue is the disrespect from DH".
If you felt supported by your DH ALL THE TIME then it would be easier to deal with these messy teens.
My first foray into Stepmotherhood was a bit of a mess. This time around, its completely different, and what's different is NOT the kid behaviour, its the DH behaviour.
BF's teens are both boys. They are smelly, greasy, farty, nerdy and messy...but they're also, funny, smart and generally kind.
If my relationship with my BF wasn't solid, I'm positive I wouldn't enjoy the kids as much. I also take a very very hands off approach with them. I don't "try" to be anything to them. The result is that they often seek me out just to talk to me or just sit in the same room with me while I work or when I'm watching some show they don't really like. Just last night the older, very introverted one, sought me out, on the pretext of "bugging me" but we ended up having a real talk. I asked him who his best friend was, and he said "My Mom". He asked "isn't that strange?" I said, "Only if you plan to take her to prom." Then we laughed. I told him that i thought it was good that he had a parent that he could fully trust and respect, then told him stories about my own mom and how her and I were not close.
My BF is an amazing Dad and struggles to get close to the older teen. I haven't told BF what the SS17 said because I don't want to hurt BF. And honestly, I think its okay that the older boy is closer to his mom than his dad.
Summary:
Don't try to be anything to them and let your DH do the parenting.
Pick your battles.
Try to work with your DH to better your relationship as a couple. More date nights maybe? The better your relationship with him, the better it will be with the kids.
That's good advice. I've been
That's good advice. I've been very conscious of keeping within the proper boundaries. SS and i usually get along just fine. When DH isn't around, we sometimes have fun discussions. I've gotten to where I only speak up if it's something that could lead to damage of any kind. Anyway, I've tried to share how I feel and see things. Sometimes he seems to understand. Sometimes not. It's a work in progress.
With the older one..
The older teen only really talks to me in a normal way when DH is not around. Otherwise he's super goofy (and a bit annoying).
Remind yourself that you're doing great, because you are.
Plant some ants in his room
Plant some ants in his room and when he freaks out, tell him it's his fault for having food everywhere. I don't think they can replicate in the house so you shouldn't get an infestation.
Yeah, i know. That would be insane. It's still funny to think about though.
I eventually ran out of
I eventually ran out of dishes. I didn't have plates, bowls, silverware, or anything to drink out of. I looked upstairs and SS had piles of dishes and cups everywhere. I made DH look at it. I made a big deal about how I took a long time picking out those dishes and finally having enough money to buy them. (We don't have much money.) I got DH to agree that no dishes are to go to any bedroom. So far SS has been following it.