When your SO gripes about his kid
DH projects a lot. He's hyper-sensitive about SS10 in a lot of ways. Not unusual. But he also, when upset, will blame me for things, accuse me of not liking SS, etc.
Well, I think a lot of that is projection and guilt.
More and more lately, DH gripes about SS. He's always done it some. DH isn't a "kid person" and, if he had to do it over, would have stayed child-free. I like and understand kids more than he does, but I'm not a big kid fan myself. A little goes a long way.
Anyway, lately, he's more and more vocal about SS driving him nuts. The crying. The baby talk. The lying. The destructiveness (he broke his laundry basket somehow yesterday -- he tends to be rough and/or careless with belongings). The fact that he's incredibly spoiled and entitled. A lot of that cones from BM and her family but, honestly, DH doesn't help. No, he doesn't buy him stuff, and he's tougher with rules than she is, but he still lets stuff slide and doesn't address problems very effectively, mainly because he doesn't want to deal with SS's reaction (crying and glaribg with sullen silence).
I don't know or why he thinks I'd have a great relationship with SS when he complains about him to me so much -- or why I (someone who didn't create or raise him) would be fond of him when his own dad isn't.
I don't want to give the wrong impression. I've never seen any sign that DH lets it show to SS. Now, he does get on to SS when he does something like blow off schoolwork or break something after being warned to be careful. He's pretty mild about that but any correction brings a major angry, put-upon reaction from SS anyway. SS's behavior towards his dad hasn't really changed as far as I can see. He may pick up on something, though, because kids are perceptive.
He talks more often about giving BM primary custody since she seems to want to spoil and coddle SS like crazy and SS increasingly prefers her house since it's more fun. I just keep my mouth shut. I'm sure he's just blowing off steam. But, really, it's not helping.
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Comments
Giving BM primary custody
Sounds like giving BM primary custody would be a win-win for everybody.
Probably so. But, like I said
Probably so. But, like I said, I keep my mouth shut or give non-committed responses. I do NOT want to say anything that could come back to haunt me or could paint me with the Wicked Stepmother brush. What he and BM want to do with or about SS is up to them.
I do NOT want to say anything
Too late! You became the wicked SM the minute you entered into a relationship with a man with a child.
Sounds like your DH needs to
Sounds like your DH needs to stop griping and actually start parenting his kid (guess we know where skid got the whininess from). 10 yr old boys are innately wild and destructive. I have boys and the amount of stuff they broke is mind-boggling. I learned to boy proof the house but also buy sturdy things that had less of a chance of being destroyed. It also seems like your ss needs to be exercised. Just like a dog needs to be walked kids (especially boys) need something to channel their energy. What is your DH doing to help wear down ss? From experience, I promise that ss will be less whiny and destructive if he's exhausted LOL!
I agree on the griping
I agree on the griping/parenting. If he'd address some of these things instead of complaining it might be a different story. He'll complain about SS lying to him, but there are no consequences when it happens. Ugh.
SS is a crier and a stomper but I've never heard him whine. But, yeah, he's a boy. He's going to be careless and destructive and hyper. He does have a trampoline and a basketball goal and he uses both. Also plays baseball. So, he gets exercise. As for breaking stuff, DH asked what I would do to teach him to be more careful and responsible. I said I'd put consequences in there. Break something? Better open your piggy bank. Why should he care if he breaks something? He never gets in trouble and Mommy or Daddy always just buys a new one. Why would he feel any differently?
Being a good parent
Is a lot of work and effort. Having to be hands on with everything. To say something and mean it. Even if it effects your life. As SO wants to go to a fair. SS does something an DS said no fair. He DH may have to miss going to the fair that he wants to go yo yo make a point.
It seams like your DH is lazy he rather complain then working on parenting, and when all else fails , it's your fault.
unlesd DH gets off his rear and does something, it's only going to get worst
I'm going to get another
I'm going to get another earful tonight I think. SS had field day at school (only time he's actually been in this year since he's virtual). DH texted to tell me he picked him up, asked him how it was and SS's first words were "so, what, we're just going home?" Apparently he had it in his head he'd like to go to the batting cages. But instead of asking politely he was a snot. DH told him, "yep! We're just going straight home." At least he didn't play along. (SS loves to play the "I'll drop hints and watch the grownups scramble to figure out what I want to please me" game.)
. My SO will always gripe
. My SO will always gripe about his kids. But God forbid I say anything in response. I don't like his kids.
I almost feel like it's a trap to get me to say something so SO can vent his frustration with his kids on me.
At first I thought not responding other than short answers was the best way to handle it. But that would also cause SO to respond poorly.
Now I have learned to turn it back on him. Such as:
How are you planning on addressing that issue?
What do you think you should do about that?
If that's what you feel is best.
As if right now SO has stopped talking to me about anything that has to do with SKs at all. Because he isn't getting what he wants out of trying to illicit drama.
Seems fairly common
Your annoyance is justified and I understand why you would be irked by this behavior. I like what you said about why would you like SS when even his FATHER doesn't like him! That boggles my mind as well because my BF complains about his kid all the time, going so far as to say that he wants to sign over custody to the mother...and while that would be the answer to my prayers, he's just talkin smack. I wish he would...if he did I might actually marry him but then I think "what kinda man would desert his own kid?" Truth be told BF is just the sperm donor. BM's clock was ticking at 35 and she left 6 months after the brat was born. Anyway, it helps to hear that I'm not alone in this crap...thanks for sharing.