Nacho ?
Is it possible to nacho parent - if you play a big role in their life ? Do you think it then means you don't love and care for them or it's just a way of coping ?
And last one ... is it hard to retrain your brain to step back ?
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It is possible. It's
It is possible. It's difficult but doable.
My stepdaughter lived with us full time. Mom was off in laa laa land. I completely disengaged for almost a year, then got sucked back in. Learned my lesson. She was 17 at that time. My boys with DH were 12 and 9 and my disengagement was a way of protecting them from their step sister's illness.
Interesting concept
I googled this term, didnt exactly undetstand it. Its like disengagement but seems to have a more positive connotation. Im 75 so my active step-parenting days are over but as I think back, I think DH and the SKs would have preferred for me to nacho. I cared too much, tried to discipline, tried to improve things, like their behavior and outlook. If I had it to do over, I'd be seriously thinking about doing this.
I had to google it as well.
I had to google it as well. While it does seem a bit "culturally insensitive" - it is basically the steptalk mantra, "not my circus, not my monkeys." "Nacho Kids, Nacho Problem" is translated to “not your kids, not your problem." I agree, it is basically the same thing as disengagement.
OP - yes it can work. If you read around this site you will find that disengagement has saved more than one marriage. No, it does not mean that you don't love or care for them - it just means that you are going to quit taking responsibility for them unless you want to. Everyone does it differently.
How do you start to nacho
How do you start to nacho when you feel so responsible for them . For example - the kids are with us half the time but only because I take them to school . Get them up , ready , all that stuff . My partner starts work earlier than I do . I struggle with my head .... why am I doing so much , but then feel like I need to nacho ? I feel like I'm losing some sort of battle which is silly ...!
Baby steps with the Nacho-ing
Baby steps with the Nacho-ing.
Tell your partner that there is too much stress in the morning and he either needs to be the one to get them up and going and dressed, etc. If the kids have to wake up earlier because of it, so be it. He needs to take the burden off of you.
Do you think that relates
Do you think that relates when he needs to leave home by 5.30am? This is where my headnoise comes in . I don't think that's fair to the kids to be up so early . But I'm resentful because their mum insisted on us having them half the time , knowing full well my partner couldn't do it .
How old are the kids? Like
How old are the kids? Like the above user posted - baby steps. Have them start using an alarm to wake. Get themselves ready for school - easy breakfast like cereal or Eggos, pick out their own clothes (or have DH help the night before), get their backpack ready (or have DH help the night before). If they take the bus - there are more than 1, they can walk out to the bus stop together and they can sit in the kitchen watching the clock for the right time like every other kid had to.
Im not sure if this is true "nacho parent" since you're still putting in most the work to teach them how to be self sufficient in the morning but at least the end result is what you want.
I agree it isn't the "fair"
I agree it isn't the "fair" thing for the kids but it isn't "fair" to you that you didn't birth them or choose to bring them in the world- and you are the one stuck dealing with them.
Not sure how old the kids are but like the other poster said- Have DH get clothes together for the morning. Have him teach them to use a toaster if they don't know how. Make it so all you really have to do is say "Get in the car". HE needs to teach them.
I have been a working parent since my kids were toddlers. I am in the construction industry and have to be in office for my employees at 6:30am. My kids have always been up a 5-5:30 until they were old enough to stay home. By 1st grade they were using an alarm to get up and knew their routine. Sure, I would have to reminding them about lunch boxes or shoes, but we had a routine. Your steps can be taught a routine as well. Your SO needs to be the one to teach it though.
Your DH has a responsibility to raise his kids
Part of that responsibility is not to have a job that requires him to leave at 5:30 AM. He needs a job that gives him time to get his kids out before he starts work. And to be home at a decent time , with weekends off, That his problem. Not yours
So, just inherently "nacho
So, just inherently "nacho'ed" (hadn't heard that term, but I looked it up). My DH was the parent, plain and simple. I was his wife, I helped here and there, but I was not another parent to SS. He liked me, we got along well, but - not a parent. If I watched him and DH told him to do chores/homework/whatever, and he didn't do it, like a babysitter, I reported back to DH and he handed out the consequences.
In your case it is NOT YOUR JOB to get them up in the morning. If DH wants 50/50 custody, he can either get them up and ready when he leaves, or he can make a plan to help the mornings go more smoothly and not leave it all up to you. That means planning ahead, getting them ready, giving out consequences or getting a new job that allows him to be home longer in the morning.
And for your part, if they don't go to school, well, not your problem either. DH or BM can leave work to pick them up and take them to school.
Yes, how old are the skids?
Yes, how old are the skids? YSD was waking up with an alarm clock by the 4th grade.
I learned early on it was not my responsibliity to wake them and get them ready for school due to the backlash from them. i walked away from a lot of meltdowns due to early wake times. Not my issue their school was so far away.
It's a matter of learning your boundaries and when and how to say no, I will not parent that problem or give support if it's not appreciated or my needs are not listened to. Start saying no and learning by increments.
They are 11, 8 and 6. I try
They are 11, 8 and 6. I try to bite my tongue when it comes to discipline sometimes , but it usually just slips out .
then I worry am I being too hard , so I think I need to try step back . It's just irritating to watch some things and not say anything !
The 11 and 8 yo could wake up
The 11 and 8 yo could wake up with an alarm clock.
I let YSD pick out her own clock so she had 'ownership' of it. (DH paid for it BTW) She learned to set it and use it. The 6 yo may be a little young.
Stepping back gets easier the more you do it.