No you are not overreacting. I would not stand for it. He would not be going to the bar unless I was going with him. Why does he need to go out so much without his GF anyway? Doesnt he have any guy friends he can go hangout with? Why does he have to be at this bar where this women and barflies are? It sounds like he has an issue and is projecting it on you.

Trust your instincts...you have them for a reason. A classic male manuver is to turn events onto the women and throw out the ole "You dont trust me" card. Dont buy into it. There is no reason for him to be drinking and hanging out with another women when he has a wonderful GF at home he could be spending his time with. PERIOD!

Hell no....he is having an affair. May not be physical, but it is definitely an emotional affair. He stops now or you move on....really easy. I would have a hard time trusting him...

Helena, maybe a different perspective. The way I see it yes you could be overracting DEPENDING on his level of commitment to you and the relationship. THat said, do you guys live together? If so that commitment should already be there and stuff like this give you every reason to be upset and worried IMO.

Look-in the beginning before we both were committed there are things we did w/others. I opted for various casual flings-he opted for his one "friend" where it was very much an emotional affair-I moved on to full commitment to him before he did and was able to let that friendship go-I didn't push him for it-he met her around the time we met, he was exploring his options and maturity wise in me I rather he do that since he's young and make HIS own decision to be with me or not. Not because I demanded anything from him. It was uncomfortable, it caused some arguments and he knew how I felt about, but I never forbade him...he eventually once he was ready to fully commit to me had no more contact w/her...(by the way she had a boyfriend also)

My bf likes to go to our local watering hole bar sometimes also-most times I go with him, othertimes he'll go with a buddy, on RARE ocassion alone. We both know all the bartenders and most of the patrons there. They all love us to death-and I know especially the older lady patrons and bartenders make sure he behaves in otherwords he has no reason to get innapropiate because he knows it get to me, he could chose another bar but doesn't-he's a creature of habit. I know he talks to guys/girls there, jsut his friendly nature, I"m fine with that, I go out w/my guy friends for drinks sometimes also where it's just me and them.

We both have strict boundaries w/others though..your bf seems to be lacking them...this is a NEW female interest/friend. I'm ALWAYS cautious of those. Friends you had prior to meeting your SO is fine to keep, but new ones...bad sign.

He's telling you for a reason-he may say you're overracting but he's gauging your response to see if it is indeed out of line. Watch carefully but don't control.

Overall though it seems to me your bf really isn't too interested in time with you too much-THAT's the big problem. My bf will prefer to spend the majority of his time w/me every day....I have to encourage or flat out tell him to take a night off so I can have some me time as well as him. You're trying to push him towards you, and he pushes further away-the rubber band theory

Jsmom is right. Most guys don't see an emotional affair as a big deal. But, most affairs start out as just talking.

I'll tell a quick story. There was a guy who used to do volunteer work with his wife and they were very active in the community. His wife started getting really busy with work and other things going on. He wanted to keep doing the volunteer work so he kept going. There was another women there who he made friends with and would see whenever he did volunteer work. After awhile, he realized that he was telling this friend thoughts, ideas, and things about his life before he had shared them with his wife. So, he stopped associating with this women because he recognized that he was standing at a line he didn't want to cross.

My bf also couldn't understand how a person would know when they had crossed that line emotionally with another women who was just a "friend". So, i told him this. If you feel any guilt or feel like it's wrong in any way. Then, you are having an emotional affair. If you wouldn't want me to hear those conversations, see those txt's or emails, then you are having an emotional affair.

It sounds like your bf was feeling guilty. So, maybe he sees her as just a friend but he knows he's doing something he shouldn't or he wouldn't have said something to you. Hopefully it's still at the innocent stage, but he feels like something isn't right based on his behavior. And, your instincts are telling you the same.

And, of course if anything ever happened he would say that SHE came on to him and he was drunk. Convenient excuse.

You're walking a fine line of trying to trust him (don't want to treat him like he's doing something wrong or he'll feel justifed by saying he was being treated like that anyways might as well do it), but also having to follow your instincts. Maybe you could have a talk, and tell him that you do trust him but you feel like he is putting himself in a risky situation and that it would really mean a lot to you if he stopped. (or at least go to a different bar?)

If they are txting though.. they've crossed the line already between being friends at the bar and something else. Why does she have his number to begin with? She just broke up, she's looking to fill that void with some other male attention. Your bf should not be that guy. He's asking for trouble imo.

Ugh. Honey, he is cheating, or is seriously considering it. My ex was a bar fly. And like you, when I was younger, I fell for the whole, “we are just friends” sh!t. I am sorry, but odds are, he is a cheater.
I guess since I am 40ish years old, I see things so much clearly now. You just got a large dose of manipulation from your BF.
I never understood married people who choose to hang out at bars. I am so glad my DH now is NOT like that. He has gone to one bar, to have drinks with friends, in the last 5ish years. And he was gone for an hour. He actually loves hanging out with me. He does not NEED guy time. We got married because we want to be with each other. Not everyone else.
Just be careful girl!! I would almost guarantee that the first time he cheats on you, he will blame it on the alcohol.

We can't help but interact with other people on a daily basis. This isn't typical interaction. Obviously they have swapped phone numbers. They have more than a bartender/customer relationship. Not cool.

My DH & I went through the whole guys hanging out at the bar thing. I knew the bartenders there & they knew both of us as we were regulars for a long time. I got tired of it & quit going. He didn't. He started staying out later & later & he started "forgetting his phone in the truck" or "didn't hear it ring". Okay. I started calling the bar & asking for him. He got pissed. I didn't care.

We had a really hard time getting through that whole thing, but it doesn't happen anymore. He wouldn't put up with me sitting in some hole-in-the-wall bar having a drink & shooting pool with the girls not answering my phone while he sat at home. He said it's different for guys. I say it isn't.

People often make poor choices under the influence of alcohol when there's no one there to be accountable to. Why even put that opportunity there?

It has been my experience that men and women are rarely "friends". One may think so, but the other wants something. I am suspicious of female BFFs for men. If she just broke up with her boyfriend, is she using him for a sympathetic shoulder? I would not be ok with that. What is he getting from the "friendship"? His ego stroked? Is he using her for a sounding board when you and he have a small rift?

He may seriously think he's doing the right thing by telling you and think you are overreacting, but I'd watch out for that bartender. Not acceptable. If she's really his friend, then she needs to be your friend too and hang out with the couple, not just the man, IMHO. Would he like it if roles were reversed and you were the one hanging with some bartender and being FB buddies and spending a bunch of time together? I'd bet the farm he wouldn't.

Every guy I thought was just my friend- "oh, no! We've been friends forever!, Really!" And I believed it!! Turned out later- sometimes years later- that they had been wanting to make their move for a long time. Mostly guys that I would never see that way, but that doesn't change how they felt. :sick:

Nothing good will come of this.

Nope, like the others said, you are NOT over-reacting! This was how my DH hooked up with his coworker!

First they were just friends. He talked about her all the time and I laughingly called her his work-wife. He originally said she's not very pretty and totally not someone he would ever be interested in. Then the things he told me were more intimate and made me question if they were appropriate. Like she asked him why he was getting married again (this was right around when we got married). Then she told him things like she only ever slept with her husband. And she always bought him things, like she would bring candy and things for him at least once a week. And then I heard that her marriage was probably ending. DH said all those things are innocent and that they were just friends, and then the next thing I know he's f***ing her in a hotel while I'm home by myself.

I don't know your BF so of course he could be a nice guy, unlike my DH. Go with your gut instinct. I wish this had all happened before we got married because I would never have married him. My BS is the only good thing to have come from meeting DH. I will be forever happy with my child, but feel unlucky with all the crap I've had/still have to deal with to get him. Makes me wonder what I did wrong in my past life to get dealt this crap now.

I honestly believe men and women can be friends, as I have several very close male friends that I text with, go have beers with, etc...and my boyfriend knows them all well and has no issues with this. He also has some long time female friends that he spends time with without me and I don't have one single concern about it. He also knew from the beginning that I'm friends with a few of my ex boyfriends and that's all good too.

The reason THIS situation is suspicious, is that they JUST started texting...it's not like they've been long time friends who have texted all along. She JUST broke up with her boyfriend too. Also, if it wasn't a big deal, he wouldn't have started with the whole, "I have something to tell you" routine that took him 15 minutes to spit out. It reeks of "something fishy".

He very well may have NO intention of messing around, and hasn't really done anything wrong yet...but the very fact that he came to you about it the way he did, is because he knows it's something he shouldn't be doing. It's obvious she's making a move...probably very slowly, but making a move all the same.

I don't blame you for asking him not to text with her. You can't physically stop him from going to the bar, and it seems to be his social hang-out spot, which I understand. But if I were you I would be going down there and hanging out with him a lot more. Just pop on in for some surprise visits to make your presence known both to her and him.

I think this is one of the hardest things. For the guy, he's kind of damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. He told you so you wouldn't be mad, but yet you're mad.

Of course, I see your side, too. And the more you "nag" the more he will lie or be resentful that you do'nt want him to go out and "have fun". I think you need to talk to him and tell him that although you aren't worried about HIM and his INTENTIONS, you are worried about the other woman and HER intentions and we all know that when drink is involved the lines between right and wrong get blurry. I think you need to emphasize that you do trust that he wouldn't attempt to do anything, but being that you don't trust HER, he really should respect that.

If you were texting and messaging and talking to a guy that he doesn't trust, it would be the same issue. Out of respect for your partner you would need to take a step away from that person. And if you weren't WILLING to take that step away from the person causing your relationship issues, then there is DEFINITELY something wrong with the picture. Same goes for him and this barfly.

Do you trust/get along with the friends he hangs out with while she's around? And do you ever go with him or do you always stay home?

There is a reason why he told you this and its probably to soften the blow when someone else tells you more. He told you 50% of the real story so be prepared for the fallout. Innocent people don’t have anything to be defensive about.

I think if he really thought it was ok to be talking to her, it wouldn't have taken him so long to come out with it. That's the part that would make me re-think the whole situation.

AND, this is the same guy that got mad and walked away when you told him you didn't want to change your name. Sounds to me like he just wants what he wants. And he'll probably get it.

You are not overreacting AT ALL! How often does he go to the bar? And always without you? Hell no. Would he care if you were texting another man?! Who knows if something is going on or not. It's hard to say. I caught DH lying straight to my face before by checking our cell phone records and calling a number. It was nothing serious. But I knew to look because we went over our minutes and I knew I didn't do it. He said he didn't do it either. So I checked and sure enough he did. Was talking to someone he used to work with. The girl really was just a friend. They were friends before he and I even met. But he thought I would get mad if he was talking to another woman. I was more mad that he lied and caused our bill to be higher knowing we didn't have the minutes! So whether it is serious or not a man will still lie. But in your case I would tell him he doesn't need to go to the bar and allow this woman to flirt with him. He should be home with you. He can drink at home. It's cheaper anyway.

The short answer, yes. Be mad. He's pushing things here and that little flirtation is dangerous territory. There are certain people I avoid because I know the temptation is there for me. I am not inviting more problems.

My dh goes to the bar about once a week and I know he flirts with other women. I'm okay with this because I know he always comes home to me. However he is not texting or talking on the phone to any of them. Thats taking it to far. Drop into the bar unexspected and if they act funny you'll know something is up. Alway follow your gut. 9 times out of 10 your gut instinct is always right.

hmmmmmmm....not good. This is what I'm thinking what his motivation is in telling you about the texting and the girl at the bar.

If he'd handled the issue with the bartender, he wouldn't have had to tell you. Like this....."Hey, I feel for your situation, but don't text me because that will cause me a lot of unwanted trouble!". Of course, she's got his number to text (hmmmm) and appears to feel comfortable with texting him. How she get that number?

I hope he doesn't pull the crud used on me. WHen information was given to me, then I begin to question. Then, with the questioning, he "might as well do it since I'm thinking he is". Great huh....he's getting the green light that he might as well be involved with the girl because I already think he's doing it and he's going to get blamed, he might as well be doing all that to earn the accusations. It's all a set up.

I don't know if this is your situation.....but if nothing was going on, he wouldn't be "protecting" himself telling you what has been going on.

On the other hand, he might be setting this all up for a fight so he can walk out the house and down to the bar so he can see cutie pie that understands poor accused and picked on boyfriend.

If you want to make sure bartender knows you're in the picture, accompany or meet him at the bar. Don't be rude to her (you don't know what he's telling her encouraging something between the two of them). See how he treats you in front of her and the others. If he flip or rude, you've got a guy that's been talking smack about you behind your back.

If he wanted this relationship to work between the two of you, he'd...1. stop going to the ball altogher...2. always take you or have you meet him.

I feel for you, from reading your blogs, this isn't looking good and I do believe you're being set up. Sorry, just been there, and it was hell.

But remember....be decent to her, it's amazing who steps in and lets you know what's going on. The more together and classier you are, the better the situation will be for you.

Good luck, love.

She was a self-loathing slut that got off on having another woman's man be attracted to her.
------------------------------------------
There are so many women out there like this. The woman that my ex-husband cheated with was one of these. She always had men who I knew were married at her home and the "hell no, you are breaking off all contact with this slut" moment came when my ex and I went to her home and she was butt naked on a blanket with 2 married men. Of course I got the, "you just don't trust me" speech.
You know, I look back to those days and I was so young and naive and very insecure, that my ex gave me an ultimatum that if I "kept chains" on him, then he would just leave me. Stupid me...and my low self esteem by that point...responded with pleading to him not to leave and told myself to "just trust him" even though my heart told me better. I would even make little excuses of why I didn't think it would ever really happen. Things like, I am more attractive, better body, he and I were having a family together, etc, etc. I have to laugh at my past thinking now that I'm older.
Found out 4 months after the death of our son that the reason my ex couldn't be reached the night my son died was he was at this sluts house. The only way I found out was my other son who was 4 y/o at the time had witnessed most of this and his words were, "I hate you for making Gina be our mommy when you and baby brother were in the hospital". This was not typical behavior for my son and after asking what he meant, his reply was (4 year old mind remember) daddy peed in Gina's privates.
When I confronted my ex I got the, "well you never trusted me anyway and the only reason I did it was because you kept saying I was going to do it".
Sorry for going on and on, but I'm hoping that my mistakes can help someone else out there.
I did leave my ex but went back after he showed me signs of changing and "just wanted me to be able to trust him again". That only lasted a short while and I eventually left him for good!
To make an already long story a little shorter, it was my ex who was the insecure one and he was the one who was devastated by our break-up.

Yeah...lots of red flags all over this.

Guess you just have to tell boyfriend that of course you trust him and that you hate him having to deal with this. So you'll just accompany him from now on when he goes to the bar so everyone will know that you two are a strong solid couple.