I would say the people on here telling you to back off from your bf are highly experienced in this sort of thing and it may be wise to take their advice based off your blogs...his ex sounds insane and violent which is something that isn't going to change with time or medication

If you can't be convinced to leave the situation alone, take it really slow and don't make any promises to him.

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

that is exactly how it all started with me...trust me...yur BF has a crazy BM that you will be dealing with constantly if you choose to be in a relationship with him. This is a woman who has controlled yur BF up to this point and will continue to try and control him for as long as she can. I commend u for not meeting his kids yet, as that, IMO, is the right way to handle it. I would say,,,perhaps date yur BF for as long as possible without contact with the kids or BM...decide if this is the man u want to be with and if HE is worth all the BS u are going to have to endure.....MAKE SURE HE IS STRONG AND CAN STAND UP TO HER!!.....because trust me, u are going to have to go thru alot of crap with a crazy BM.....I decided my DH was worth it and am now a full time 24/7 SM.....we have our ups and downs but are making it work for the most part....I think the advice u can get from this site is invaluable because u will get perspectives from all different angles of step life....I wish u well!!!

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

We are advising you that because we know what you are in for. If I had known before we were married, I would have high tailed it out of here. But I am married to him now and we are christians and I took a vow before God and every to love him until death do us part and by golly, I'm going to do it. My husband is a wonderfull man and everything would be perfect too if he didn't have a crazy ex hell bent on ruining his life and if he wasn't so weak that he let her do it. He lost a wonderful girl before he met me. I say that because after I heard what she put up with, I couldn't believe she stuck around as long as she did.

My husband is changing and things are getting better because I demanded he make changes. Since I was stuck here and he is stuck here, I screamed a lot until he fixed things. I'm exhausted but hope I will look back on all this and laugh.

If you are determined to stay, go get counseling, read the book Step Monster and make sure he is willing to change the mess he is living in. Set up goals/boundaries and see if he is willing to change things. Like "tell him to tell BM to go to hell" is she calls and tells him who he can date. Who is she to tell him what to do. He needs to tell her that she does not run his house and make sure the skid knows that too.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

on the top shelf in a box bolted shut. NOW BREATH(e) and THINK.

Now start reading and start thinking about the posts on this site and do not think for one minute that you and he are "special" cases.

If you do decide to stay with this man, I would take a different approach than some... but this is what worked for me and DH over here.

I met DH and dated him for a while. At first, he told his daughter that we were friends and the 3 of us did things together. Then, after she got used to that (she was 8 at the time) he told her we were dating.. then dating seriously... then we moved in together.

I met SD and got to know her pretty quickly after DH and I started dating. Also, when we moved in together, I fought for the right with DH to be able to pick up SD from school. It was because of that time in the car, driving home after school on the days we had her (at the time it was 50 / 50 - so either I or DH picked her up Mondays, Wednesdays, and every other Fridays) - that developed our relationship.

I know that the relationship between you and your DH is priority and you may feel that you can just make it based on the love between the 2 of you alone. But I'm sorry to say, that is NOT the truth. There are plenty of women on here that absolutely love and adore their men, but unfortunately have not had the opportunity to develop the relationship with the kids as well.

In my opinion, you marry the man, you marry his kid, and like it or not, to some extent we end up with BM as "extended" family. This is my opinion and others can disagree, but I feel like it's the way you are going to survive, if the children are small. BM will be in your life for a lonnggg time.

So, there's a few things you need to do - again - this is all my opinion.

1. Put boyfriend first, of course and develop and nurture that relationship.

2. Set your boundaries now with him regarding BM. If she says or does something you don't like - don't suck it up.. let it out NOW and see how he responds. Now is the time to fight about these things!!!

3. Get to know the kids. Let them get to know you. Find out if you can live with them because that could just end up happening. And even if it doesn't you don't want to have to dread every other weekend or whatever day of the week just because they are coming over. That is an extremely difficult way to live and could do you more harm than good.

I know you love this man... BUT... let's put it another way. If you met a guy that you really liked and maybe even felt that you loved , but found out he was a recovering alcoholic, or drug addict, or on-line addiciton, ... whatever the case may be, you would not only take it slow, but you would find out how much this addiction rules his life, how much it will affect you, and if you can live with it or not. Harsh analogy, I know, but exes and children can have the same emotional and physical effects in a relationship as an addiction.

Like DPW says, you could end up "stuck"... so make sure you know EXACTLY what you are stuck with before you commit fully. I truly believe that you love your boyfriend and want to stay with him and feel that you can overcome this. And you can... but ONLY if you go in with open eyes. Don't close your eyes to the reality that is facing you.

" If you met a guy that you really liked and maybe even felt that you loved , but found out he was a recovering alcoholic, or drug addict, or on-line addiciton, ... whatever the case may be, you would not only take it slow, but you would find out how much this addiction rules his life, how much it will affect you, and if you can live with it or not. Harsh analogy, I know, but exes and children can have the same emotional and physical effects in a relationship as an addiction."

This is SO freakin perfect I just can't even tell you how on the button it is! Wow. Well done doll!

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

The biggest thing I can say is that it sounds like you're hoping she'll change. But, just as you're developing a relationship with bf and have to accept him for who he is in your relationship without the expectation of changing any annoying habits he may have, you will have to, at some point, accept that BM probably isn't going to change. And, like it or not, in entering a relationship with a man with kids and an ex, you enter into some type of relationship with the kids and some type with the ex. I hope she does change for her kids sake and yours, but chances are it's not going to happen. And, if you can't accept that, you are in for a rocky road, my dear. I learned the hard way.

To every thing there is a season.

i think you will do great. keep being patient with the situation. i was reading above and someone mentioned that she had control over him for so long, and she has lost that control, so it drives her crazy. she is still obviously attached to him and wants him back. we always want something we cant have. and to think he is happy with another woman...ooo nooo... she will do her best to make your life hell, in hopes that you will run away, because she doesnt want you and him together. if you care about him hang in there. my fh is my best friend, and despite his kids and ex wife-ness, he is the best thing that is still happening to me