A Wild Ride Indeed
The saga that began with me entering into a relationship with a man who has a horrific ex, a custody battle which went in his favor, and learning his daughter was subjected to horrific emotional/psychological abuse by that woman......all may be coming to a very interesting end....which means it will be the beginning of something new and challenging indeed.
BM has been put into hospice care, and will likely pass (hopefully) soon. It is quite challenging for me - she is likely the only person in my entire life that I will ever cheer for their demise. I have surprised myself at the delight my body feels knowing she will die alone and that she is suffering at her own doing. And at the same time, I also recognize that it is also the mother of a 14 year old girl, who despite the abuse, still loves her very much. It makes me sad on so many levels - I cannot imagine losing my mom so young and at the same time I know deep down that this child is better off with her permanently gone. It will be easier to rationalize why mom is missing important milestones in her life because she is physically no longer here instead of the anxiety and worry and wonder of why she chooses not to be there. The peace my partner and his daughter will have with her gone is so close I can taste it.
I know that her passing will bring on new challenges for sure. I do not, and have no plans to blend our families until his daughter is off to college. I still have my own space and escape. His daughter is a lot. She doesn't act out or disrespectful to me at all...as a matter of fact, I am on of her favorite people....but I know I am about to be leaned on heavily for that maternal void....and I am stressing. My parenting is very different from my partners.....and his daughter is still unlearning all the things her mother programed her to believe. Sometimes those triggers get the better of me (I am working on it). She is very much like her mother in some ways...and I have zero space in my life for that toxic nonsense.
My partner, bless him, is driving the two hours round trip to make sure his daughter gets to see her mom every other day (so far). Before she went into hospice, BM had only seen her three times in the past year. BM (who is mostly unresponsive) doesn't deserve these visits, but I understand their importance. It is incredibly amazing to me that the only one who cares about seeing her in her final days is the person she has absolutely hurt the most.
Its been one hell of a ride....thanks for letting me vent!!
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Comments
Wow
What a situation! I'm glad you are aware of the many nuances. Your SO's efforts reminded me of my best friend who died as a young mother. Her DH and MIL ended up raising her two daughters and as she got sicker, MIL was around more. MIL made sure there were many pictures of my friend and the girls together. My friend realized what she was doing and had mixed feelings, probably didn't like to face the realities.
Anyway, best of luck. You sound like a wise lady.
A tuff place to be.
In many ways a deceased BioParent is harder to deal with than even a toxic live one regarding being a SParent.
Not that it was toxic. My DW was raised by her mom and StepDad. Her BioDad, MIL's first DH, was killed in an automobile accident a coupld of days prior to my MIL finding out she was pregnant with my DW. Deceased BioDad has always been this mythical presence and fairy tale for my DW. She and my FIL, no deceased, were extremely close. So much so that even my MIL recognizes that my DW was FIL's person. FIl was at the hospital when DW was born. MIL and FIL married when DW was 2mos old. MIL and FIL were raised together and their respective families were close friends.
Your challenge and SD-14's will be notably more difficult than my DW's and my FIL's challenges were. Your SD's noxious BM has already polluted your SD with BM's shit parenting, etc... There will be a loyalty bind for SD that in all likelihood will never go away.
Hopefully, that will not be the case.
Your stance of not blending for now is a wise one IMHO. Let SD reach the age of majority and step off into early adulthood. That way, there is no need for high drama presence in your blended family at all. Hopefully your FDH has clarity that he cannot tolerate any guilty DD deceased mommy baggage in his future marriage.
SD experiencing toxic mommy's crap may be a good thing in the long run. Though toxic mommy circling the drain has to be painful for SD-14 regardless of the toxicity.
Take care of you.
Your SD needs professional counseling
Counseling is always good in the death of a parent, it's gives them a place to work out there feelings . There sense of failure in the mothers death. Please get her into some long term care after her death