Say something or continue to let it go?
DH has two ex wives. OG and he have been divorced 30+ years yet routinely she brings him up to their eldest daughter in some negative form. DH never thinks about this woman at all. The kids are in their 30's now and he hasn't been obligated to deal with her (minus the SK wedding last year) in literal decade+.
Sometimes he and I literally laugh out loud with each other at the sheer ridiculous notion she STILL has opinions she voices to the kid about him.
ignoring doesn't make it go away - should he "lower the boom" and make some grand communication as an attempt to nip this in the bud finally or continue to stone wall and ignore her incessant bs?
Sometimes I want him to engage other times I think it's up to the kid to tell mom to knock it off.
- ICanMakeIt's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How does he hear?
How does he hear this stuff? Does his daughter pass the comments to him? I'd give it all as little attention as possible. BM can voice her own opinion but your SD doesn't have to pass it along.
My exception to the non-response policy would be if the comments were untruthful. In that case, I'd either correct her or say, "That's not what happened". Or, as the royal family says, '"Memories vary".
Yes the daughter in
Yes the daughter in conversation repeats what the mother says. Also I love that line....memories may vary"! Excellent! Thank you for that !
Discretion being the better
Discretion being the better part of valor, saying nothing would likely be the wise course.
However, not being as wise as I probably should be, if I were DH I would bare BM's ass in a joint communication to her and the kids they share.
"ExHagWife/Crone (BM), in the 30 years since our divorce was final I would have hoped that you would be long past worrying about undermining me with my kids and be far more focused on yourself rather than fixated on me. Kids, my appologies for your mother's continued attempts to interfere in our relationship. Love, Dad."
I adore that so much!
If ever the time comes - that's verbatim what he should communicate ! Thank you !!
They need to keep up the PAS Campaign
Our else the pathetic HCGUBM will lose all purpose in life. Do the skidults believe her still?
In my case, all three skidults have permanent stockholm syndrome.
Classic!
Step Stockholm Synrome. Someone needs to propose this as a new syndrome of the month for Psych pros to get published on and "treat".
She has 100% successfully
She has 100% successfully alienated/estranged the younger of the two. Her memories ARE literally FALSE memories as if my DH, in her words, "abandoned" the child. Despite the fact that even her older sister has tried correcting her. He has photos of her and him in high school at school events, taking her and friends for dinner/ ice cream, etc. I mean the logic is missing compeletely and she is 100% like an amnesia patient. It's weird AF.
I don't know.. some people
I don't know.. some people carry grudges for a long time.. my dad's brother's wife is in her 90's.. and still would claim that her husband was a complete cad for dumping her after she helped him build a career and raised his children.. and that he ran off with wealth and hid it from her.
I guess it depends on the circumstances of that relationship.. why things went south. I guess it could be either that your SO hurt her deeply by leaving.. or she wants to make it be his fault.. so she doesn't bear any guilt for the split.. and so her kids will align with her.
I don't think you say anything to the EX directly ..
What you do is point out how sad it is that their mother has been unable to move on and is clinging to some narrative that was never really true.. and isn't true just because she repeats it so often. Gosh.. I actually feel sorry for your mom that she can't move on.
Sounds like SD is just
Sounds like SD is just baiting to see if her dad will bite. Honestly nothing he says will appease her or BM.
Maybe he should try “Your mom said that, well bless her heart.” And move on.
^^^ This!
^^^ This!
Ex wife is probably bored and looking to bait him into pissing match with her.
Unless she is lying / destroying character in a public way or in a way that's affecting income etc then I'd continue to ignore
Adult kids (if they're mentally able and emotionally intelligent) are fully aware of parents who attempt to verbally annihilate the other parent for no apparent reason and it usually backfires.
SD sees there is
"HAPPY FANILYS" out there. Her GFs family all have holidays meals. GF family take them on a free vacation. And SD wants this type of thing. Not what she is getting. No one wants to take SK on vacation.
Im in camp shutthatchitdown
Who knows the WHYs of things - habit? insecurities? Sd likes the toxic energy?
Doesnt matter, thats energy that should be spent elsewhere. Hows about DH tells SD something like "for goodness sakes its been 3 decades. I dont really need to hear this cripe anymore, so whats new with you dear?" Just shut her down each and everytime. And you dont need to hear that either.
Why really does not matter. What does.
Why can be a rat hole that will eat people alive and waste countless years of one's happiness and peace.
The variables of why are nearly infinate. What is distinct, measurable, and can be addressed.
A number of long term and past STalkers have invested extensively in understanding why their Skids, their SOs, and their SO's Xs do what they do.
I care about what they do. I really couldn't care less about why they do it. They behave decently and respectfully, or... bring the pain. Why they do what they do or why they feel what the feel makes zero diffierence IMHO.
Here are the standards and boundaries. Deliver to the standards of behavior and standards of performance, or live the consequences. Don't waste my time with why you do what you do or why you feeeeeeelllllll.
Be decent. Or be miserable. Your choice. I will deliver either an increasing state of abject misery or..... a pleasant level of exhistance. Your choice Skid, X, etc.... Your why is up to you. Your what.... will not be allowed to adversly impact me, my marriage, etc.. Do not make the mistake of testing the standards.
That is the framework those in blended family marriages need to build and defend.
IMHO.
Some people can just never
Some people can just never let it go. FIL divorced my DHs Mom 35 years ago. He STILL finds a way to bring her up in conversation to ME, when visits. "Can you believe that ______ one time did this." or "Did you know when DH was ____ years old, BM did _______." It's sad really. He's in poor health, on depression/anxiety meds, overweight, etc and FIL can't just focus on himself. Always bringing up grudges when it's just not necessary.
Sounds like the OG wife is just the same. She won't ever change. The only thing that can change is SDs reponse, and/or your DH telling SD to not even bring it up anymore.
Eh, BM over here does the
Eh, BM over here does the same thing with my SD32. My DH couldn't care less and doesn't give it any thought. SD knows what her mother is.
should he "lower the boom" and make some grand communication as an attempt to nip this in the bud
I mean, what would he do to "lower the boom"? Whatever is it, that won't nip it in the bud, it will just let her think that she, and what she says, are still relevant. It would probably give her the utmost satisfaction to know that he is thinking about her and is bothered by what she says/thinks about him.
He can just tell his daughter that he really doesn't care what BM thinks and doesn't want to hear about it.
Ignore!
Enjoy your life....clearly after all this time they are still misrable. Plan a trip, a date and live! Laugh and love!