i have never posted on any blog before, so am a absolute NEWBIE to all this.
my quick intro, i have been with my S/O for a little more than 2.5yrs. i have a SD14 and SD18 (who is not S/O's bio child, so to me she's a "twice-removed SD"?)
anyway, he raised her from baby and they have always been dad and daugther to each other.
the S/O and i started living together a little over 1 yr ago, and the children came along to be with us Full time. they used to be with BM, but she couldn't "handle" them any more - after seriously damaging them metally, emotionally and physically, she handed them over to us and pretty much said "i can't deal with this anymore" packed her bags and left. she now spends her time working minimum wage jobs and boyfriend hopping. oh but with the minimum wage she CAN afford to go for drinks with friends, and to all sorts of social events.

i am not a bio parent. so the only exposure i have ever had to children have been these teen girls.
their BM is never around. if she takes them for a weekend once every 2 months, it's a lot. she has visited thou, the last 2 times she came to see her kids, and spent the whole day in MY house visiting HER kids, while i felt all weird and uncomfortable because this woman just seems to have invited herself to spend the day in my home, without asking or even Mentioning it to me or my S/O. she makes her plans with the kids, and if they remember they kind of pass on the info to us.
so when she was there last "visiting" i sat fuming the whole day, because my S/O wasn't home that Saturday - he was out working (we each have our own business, that happen to work hand in hand with each other). so he left home that morning at about 8, she arrived at this time, then she stayed till 4pm! having coffees, and drinking juices and making lunches with the kids. again - in MY house and my home. they were in the dining room the whole time, talking / laughing and having a generally good time, but when i walk in, or walk past, the conversations stops, and they do not start talking again until i have vacated the area.
oh, did i mention she pays nothing, not a penny towards either of the kids? not towards medical insurance , or school or food or even rent.
nope, thats all on S/O and me to do. but she will say "i have no money so i can't take you girls anywhere, but i can come and visit for the day" and the kids say "ok mom, come" no one asks me or their dad if this is ok?, are there any plans for this day?, or do we even mind the BM coming for the WHOLE day?
so when i told my S/O how these day long visits make me feel really uncomfortable and i am hating the BM more and more, because she seems to just ASSUME that it's ok to come and do AS she likes - whenever she likes, my S/O said "but what do you want me to do about it? if i tell her she can't come here, you will have an even harder time with the kids, because BM will tell them that I said she isn't welcome" then he tells me "i can't tell the kids that their mom isn't welcome here, this is their house too, and it's not fair on them that she isn't welcome"
um HELLO?? pardon MY ignorence, but is this our home, or does it belong to You and your ex? does she pay the bills, and look after your kids, and drive them around, and feed them and ensure that they always have everything they need??
is she the one that has stopped going for the little things that make her happy? beacuse i used to, (before we started living together) have my nails done and go for waxings and laser treatments, and facials. these days, i shave my legs (something i haven't done for the last 10 years) in order to save money as we have a pretty tight budget, i don't get facials, or laser treatment. i use box hair dye, i don't go to the salon.

so what i'm saying i guess, is that being in my 30's i feel like i am going backwards in my life. these kids will leave in the next 5 yrs or so (i hope) but am i not just such a horrid and ugly person for wanting them to just go back to their BM and live there?
they keep saying they are SO unhappy living with us, and how life is so s**t and how they never have any NICE stuff (because NICE things cost money and i don't have any left after medical insurance, school fees, house payments, etc etc)
i have been wondering lately if this is going to break my relationship with my S/O.
we aren't married, and we don't ever want to get married but we want to be partners in life, business, everything.
so thecnically, it's not that i would have to ask for a divorce if i want to leave (thank God for small miracles) but it would be messy because our business are very enmeshed and one feeds the other, and having to split that up - it would need lawyers to get involved so it would actually be LIKE a form of a divorce.

he wants no more children, and i did want some of my own a few years back, but now, i cannot imagine being a mom and running a business single handedly, and looking after a baby (and being the "evil" SM as i have been branded) - there just isn't enough time, or energy in this world for that. also, i don't like the idea of getting pregnant now that i am over the 30 mark. i just always thought if i had my own kids, it would be between like 23-29, i feel like that ship has sailed and that my life took a differrent route - which is ok by me.
but now, when i look at what has been produced in SD15, i wonder - heck, have another one of THOSE!?! do i look like a person who loves to be punished! Heck no, i'm not doing that to myself, or my poor folks who would end up having something like THAT as a grandchild. i am not that cruel.

also, if we ever did have a child together, SD14 and SD18 would become seriously unbarable.

so i look at what my life has become. and i read what people have written on this site, and i have a bit of peace that i am not the only one. but it doesn't stop my blood boiling when i come home from work and the house is a disaster because SD14 is on school break, and has made a mess and her father doesn't even bother to tell her to sort it out - but cleans up after her!
so my plan going forward is this...
i will disengage form S/O's offspring, they don't want me in their life, they do not show any kind of respect or tolerance towards me, even thou they know that their father wouldn't be able to look after them and support them if i wasn't helping him financially - that's Fine, i am not wasting my breath anymore.

my S/O is a wonderful man, who has been given a very s**t situation to deal with. the BM basically messed them up (in all the usual, as well as most horrible ways) they are so damaged, and it's very likely too late for us to try to change anything. they do not understand or respect boundaries, they do not care, all they are doing is biding their time until BM can get her s**t together to take them back, but she is not showing any signs of wanting this. she is loving having her freedom, being able to do what she wants with whom she wants (and there are many different "whom's" that the kids have told us about!)

so, if i am to carry on living in this house, with these kids, and continue a relationship with my S/O, then i see only one current option. go and get professional help for myself. i have found a therapist, and i will go there and hopefully, either walk out calmer, or with ideas on how to make this whole thing work. because i do want it to work, but i cannot be hated 24/7, i cannot Always be the bad guy. And i am getting very tired of hating what my life has become. i want to stop feeling like i just want to run far far far far away