I really really do hate holidays. I hate the disruption of my routine, I hate the pressure of gift-giving, I hate the skids being around and out of school for long periods of time.

My bios are gone this whole week, and I am missing them. My skids have been here the whole week, out of school. My DF (less and less D every day) has been working the whole week, so guess who has to deal with the kids? They do not "need" babysitting, but they are ALWAYS HERE. I like the youngest, and took her out a couple of days to do activities, but the other ones are just HERE doing nothing, making a mess, and playing video games while I clean around them. If I ask them to clean I am the mean stepmom.

My DF and I just had another fight about SS. Yesterday I had had enough, and finally told him to shower and change his clothes. He had not showered or changed since last weekend. He stayed up ALL night playing video games, waking me up yelling at the monitor at 4AM. My DF took the other skids to the mall today and I was so excited to get a couple of hours actually alone in my house! But SS is "too tired" to go, so he is here. I told DF that I need a couple of hours break - the kid has not even stepped foot out of the house for a solid week. DF says that SS just rubs me the wrong way, and that I am too uptight, and I need to just stay out of SS's way.

I told DF that SS kept me up all night last night playing video games in the next room (DF slept through it) and DF says, well, you kept me up the other night. I had food poisoning and threw up in the night. Food poisoning is not the same as playing video games all night!

ALL of this, even SS, ALL of this would be ok if DF were kind to me. But he stopped being kind to me in June. It was like a switch went off. We've been together for 3.5 years, and he was so good to me, and loved me, and we were happy together, and then last spring we fought over SS, and then one day DF just turned off. I can't do this anymore. I am so miserable. I don't want to be with someone who ignores me all the time. He acts like it's a chore to do anything for me. He hasn't gotten me anything for Christmas, and is annoyed that he has to go out shopping for me today.

I have presents for all his kids. The youngest and I went out shopping the other day, and we had fun. I take her to an activity that we both enjoy, and I teach her about it, and I care about her. I like his oldest - she is a selfish lazy teen, but not awful. She will be fine later, she is just a teenager now. Sometimes we have good conversations.

I hate SS. I honestly believe he may become a school shooter at some point. No one wants him around. DF doesn't want him around. He doesn't want to take him out or spend time with him, but when I ask for a break, he gets angry. I am supposed to be more kind to his kid than he is.

I miss my bios. I hate holidays. I hate feeling so alone. I hate that I need to break up this life. I'm not good with transition or change and it will be so hard on my kids and me to adjust to another new life.