Am I wrong? Im really depressed.
Im at a point where im feeling like such a mess and feel like ive let down myself and the people who love me because im constantly depressed and crying! My problem is not with BM. BM had had multiple affairs when SD5 was 2 and had drug issues and pretty much disappeared and had nothing to do with SD and DH again. DH has been looking after SD fulltime for almost 3 full yrs now. I myself have been in SD's life since 2 yrs ago. She calls me Mum and doesnt remember BM except for her name.
My problem is with a completely insensitive DH and a sh**head of a SD. We got married recently but I have already begun to regret my stupidity. I finished uni degree and he's a high school dropout; that doesnt matter but I gave up a prestigious scholarship to be with them when all my family and friends told me its silly and Im only 22.
He is so insensitive I wonder if he actually enjoys tormenting me. Or am I the crazy one? He constantly mentions that SD has her mum's fingers, toes, thighs etc. We traveled together once and I got so pissed off because everytime we made a new friend, he would sit down with them and start telling them about his life story about how his wife cheated on him, how his wife left him, how they planned for their child together... RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I thought that's ridiculous. I would sit there feeling like a complete fool. And the person listening would usually start feeling awkward and look away but DH still doesnt get it. When I confront him abt giving me more respect and not telling everybody his life story all the time and his wife blah blah blah when IM HIS FREAKING WIFE and SITTING NEXT TO HIM, he says Im jealous, tells me to get over it and says he's just a friendly person sharing his life story thats all.
He is completely insensitive and likes to say really hurtful jokes such as "God gave us our sexual organs to reproduce and I've already reproduced with my ex and have a child so Im done with that!" when he knows I would really like to have a child too.
The whole situation is just depressing and bad because its affecting my relationship with SD. I used to really completely LOVE and ADORE her like my own. But after all his insensitive remarks and attacks, Ive become someone I dont really like. I've become really bitter and full of anger and hatred at being stuck with this man. I start to feel really angry with SD for even existing. When I look at her, I see BM and I just feel so angry I wish she didnt exist. For the record, I am often plagued with guilt at having such evil thoughts and I question myself but I cant help it, Im just too upset and hurt all the time with DH's daily attacks.
Im starting to feel like its not worth it. Both of them are not worth what I gave up including a career ahead of me and leaving my family to move overseas. When I get upset with DH's remarks, I start going on abt it at him (even though I know its not the best move) and then SD and DH start teaming up on me and saying "Maybe we should look for a new mummy. This one is not good enough." "Go away, we dont like you here. Get lost!" "When I was with MY daddy, we were very happy!" "I rather be single with my daughter than be with you yelling at me. I'll divorce you for yelling in front of my daughter."
And that especially hurts since I have done my part for both of them. DH doesnt do anything for SD. Im the one who baths her, cooks, cleans, teaches her like my own and this is what I get??? Heaps of attacks, rejection, teaming up against me. I do everything for DH when his ex used to sleep at home and do nothing but have affairs. So I thought he would appreciate me more.
Even DH's aunt told me this is called Emotional Abuse.
I really dont know if DH is just innocently insensitive or he just enjoys tormenting me like that. Or is it just me who's being over sensitive?
I dont know what to do and I despise myself for being so weak. I used to be a really cheerful and positive and happy person; I was always a real goofball making my friends laugh and making people feel comfortable. I had a whole career and future ahead of me but I stubbornly chose to marry this man out of LOVE. Now Im just an emotional wreck and depressed person; I hate it. I cry all the time and I yell all the time when DH & SD attack me with their words which obviously makes everything worst and DH starts saying he'll throw me out of the house or call the police on me. I feel so lost, my family is far away, i have no family or friends AT ALL here except DH's aunt who I cant disturb all the time. We're only married 3 months and its just been a complete downhill.
I really want to disengage maybe thats the better reaction than crying and yelling which makes them call me crazy. Can anyone teach me how to disengage exactly? Any specific steps?
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sounds like he's still hung
sounds like he's still hung up on the ex, and I can see why she cheated on him, he sounds like a real jerk..
It's been my experience that shit like this doesn't get any better, and you are young, I'd hate to see you waste years. I was 23 when I got married, and I regret it..I had a lot of the same treatment you're getting, but I had 2 kids on top of it, one with a serious, chronic health problem that I had to go through all by myself while daddy was throwing a 5th birthday party for SS at a pizza joint...so I feel your pain. I feel like I can give you some valuable advice..get out as soon as you can...let him and BM take care of that little girl, if BM isn't involved, let him deal with her..quit bathing her, quit feeding her, disengage...you don't deserve this treatment, and you are being taken advantage of..you have your entire life ahead of you to find someone with no children, who is willing to start a family with you...aim for that
You don't need the baggage, I know it hurts, your heart loves who it loves, but you need to love yourself more..and get out while you can, that is some bullshit him having that little girl sass you like that, to hell with him, and that brat
good luck
Yeah actually thats a good
Yeah actually thats a good idea. If I find myself happier, thats my answer. Somehow Ive become so insecure though. I keep thinking if I leave, and THEY find that they're happier without me, I cant ever come back again. I keep feeling like maybe im the one who's crazy! But if more than a few people has already told me to leave, I think I should seriously consider that.
Thanks for all your comments!
Thanks for all your comments! Wow thats probably the first time in weeks ive spoken to anyone except DH and SD. Perhaps my hurt and anger is magnified because I feel like I only have the 2 of them and they're constantly hurting me.
I have thought a few times to leave but never found the courage to actually do it. The one time I said it out, DH just said OK ill take you to the airport make sure you pack your bags and dont come back again. Seriously, its making me so angry. WHAT KIND OF A MAN SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT? Im just disappointed that above all, I seem to have lost myself. I need to regain my confidence and stop feeling like the 2 of them are my entire world cuz that will just let me down again and again.
I will take some time to sort my thoughts out and see what I can do (my visa is in process at the moment) but thanks for ur comments & sharing ur experiences, that all made me feel better.
WHAT KIND OF A MAN SAYS
WHAT KIND OF A MAN SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT? - a man that doesn't give a fuck
and why should you? you're very young, I see a lot of me in you, the way I was back then...wash your hands of this mess, and by the way, you are much too young to be a mommy anyway, enjoy your youth, see your family again! be surrounded by loved ones, and enjoy your Christmas!
leave him to the hatred, and misery he has created for himself
I don't think disengaging is
I don't think disengaging is the answer because the real problem is your husband and not the SD. The SD is only acting the way your husband is acting (I will not put DH, because he is far from dear). I will say that I have been in an abusive relationship before and this abuse WILL lead to physical abuse. You need to get the marriage annulled immediately (or as fast as you can)! You are not alone, you have family and friends they are just in a different country. You need to go to them and have them remind you what REAL love is. This is not REAL love. I would hate for you to stay and have your whole life ruined. If my DH spoke to me the way your husband speaks to you and encourages his daughter to speak to you, I would go Lorraina Bobbit on his ass-no lie! He thinks he is some great catch, a real guy's guy, but he sounds like an immasculated fool. His wife cheated on his ass and now he feels immasculated to the point where he has to facilitate this hostile environment towards you to make himself feel better. He knows he can do this and isolate you since all of your family and friends are so far away. This, to me, makes him nothing but a POS to prey on you the way he is.
You are young and at your age I was in a physical abusive relationship with a crackhead who I THOUGHT I was in love with. I was so wrong. Pack up your things and leave. Don;t be scared that he won't take you back, because once you leave my bet is, you won't want to go back.
(((HUGS))) to you and good luck! Keep us updated.
Your DH is emotionally
Your DH is emotionally abusing you and my ex husband did this. I put up with is for a few years then left. You are having these symptoms because of depression and the only way you will feel better is to get out of that marriage. Obviously he is still hung up on his ex and by making those remarks he doesn't see you as a part of the family. I got divorced when I was 22 and never have looked back. My life is a lot better now and I think yours will be too.
Exactly. He doesnt see me as
Exactly. He doesnt see me as part of the family.
There were times when he said really WEIRD things that I just dont understand why they would even come out of his mouth.
Came home one day and 3 of us were sitting around in the living room and he suddenly said to SD "Come here and lay with daddy on the couch, I want to cuddle you."
So he cuddled her on the couch while I sat on the floor like an idiot and then he said to me: "Erm maybe you can just go into the kitchen or go upstairs for a while. I just miss the days when I was a single dad and just with my daughter."
Of course I started crying and going off at him!!!
But he didnt get what I was upset with (the deliberate rejection), he started taunted me WHAT? WHAT? YOU got a problem with me cuddling my daughter? What?
Then he called his uncle and told him I was a crazy woman crying because I wouldnt let him cuddle his daughter. And now his uncle probably thinks i AM crazy. I tried to explain that I wasnt upset with him cuddling his daughter but with what he said to me on purpose but of course by then, I just looked silly trying to explain myself.
Sigh what a stupid situation I have gotten myself into. So much for beliving in LOVE?
Your DH sounds like he has
Your DH sounds like he has some major issues. I really hope you do leave him and live a happier life. He sounds crazy.
Leave. Now. He is an abuser.
Leave. Now. He is an abuser. He sounds like an insecure bastard who has to make you feel like sh** to make himself feel better.
if he is still talking to
if he is still talking to people about his ex-wife and what she did, he is obviously not over it yet, is still angry about it, and is taking out his anger on you. you dont deserve ANY of this, not at all, and its making you miserable. please think about leaving this situation, seriously. i know its tough and it may feel completely overwhelming, but it sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you...without him. with him.....your waiting around for him to get through his issues. you might be waiting forever...and thats not a life. you are stronger than you think you are. it might take some help from family and friends, but you can do it. ((hugs))
You should leave. You gave
You should leave. You gave up a career to be this guy's emotional punching bag and his nanny.
LEAVE.
As you said yourself, you
As you said yourself, you USED to care about SD but your H is making it so you don't as much. That's because he is using HER to team up on YOU to make you feel like crap.
What H who values his wife and marriage does that? Not only is he disregarding your feelings, he seems to be on a crusade to stomp all OVER your feelings.
Why would you want to stay in this type of relationship? Especially being as young as you are. There are lots of other men out there (even withOUT children) who would LOVE to have a great woman like you.
Also, even if he quit his emotional and verbal abuse of you and everything became hunky dory between you three, eventually, you MAY start feeling resentful about his choice to take YOUR choice away of having a child. You will resent him AND your SD more and more. This will cause all sorts of misery for you as well.
If nothing else, please go see a counselor that you trust to talk to truthfully and let them know exactly what is going on. My H tried to say that I needed psychiatric help after I pleaded with him to go to marriage counseling. So, I went myself. And found out that he was a verbally abusive person. And it was NOT my fault.
This is NOT your fault either. However, you do not have to be a victim. You can CHOOSE to be a victim by staying and taking this bull crap from your so-called man.
After reading all your
After reading all your comments, I feel a little more clear-headed. He got me thinking that it was ME who's crazy and oversensitive and jealous and immature and "too young".
I have mentioned before that he's projecting the hurt that his ex did to him. She had 1 child from a prev relationship so he was a stepdad and he said she used to put up photos of the kid and the biological dad. And she probably used the kid to attack him when he was married to her and made him care for the kid as a daddy for 3 years then just send the kid back to the biological father and he never saw him again and felt so used.
I think I just felt really sorry for him and what he went through cuz she did put him through hell and just did drugs and slept around and made him care for her kid and then attack him with it. But then Im at the point where I think I stopped feeling sorry for him and he's got to STOP projecting what she did to him on me.
Can I take this for the next few decades of my life? I used to think I could and things would get better but I guess not now.
Im starting to feel more empowered instead of feeling helpless. Yeah this is shit really. I didnt sign up for this. I signed up to be a mummy to a little girl whose mum abandoned her and had other kids to different people (she's got a 3rd kid now to another man) and to be a good wife to a man who apparently suffered in his first marriage (he was only young then, 20 yrs old while she was 26 yrs old and probably just making use of him). But now this horrible treatment is beyond me and not what i signed up for.
Things have been quite alright these couple of days cuz he's been out at work til late and its only SD and me so its not too bad. Ill monitor the situation and the next time he starts saying his "so called jokes" and tells me im the crazy immature emotional jealous insecure bitch who's getting upset over nothing, Ill just pack my bags and tell him to piss off.
you're so young. get your
you're so young. get your life back. with or without him you have to be you. don't have kids with this a hole! now we see why BM drugged out and left. he probably drove her to it. there are worse things than divorcing someone when you're 22. what if the abuse and depression continues and you lose your whole 20s to a self absorbed A hole?
if it aint workin now it won't work in 5 years. the doo doo will just get deeper.
Yeah I actually have a
Yeah I actually have a suitcase on the side with some things in there ready. Its kind of sad haha but then again, I guess I have to protect myself. Thanks heaps I really appreciate your concern and your encouragement
Thanks for sharing. Yeah isnt
Thanks for sharing. Yeah isnt it sad (probably a bit of self pity here) that somehow the marriage is supposed to be between the husband and wife but its being wrecked cuz of another party (even though it is a child). I always feel a deep sense of betrayal when he says he's going to divorce me cuz im crying and being "crazy" in front of his poor darling daughter. I feel like Him and me should be a team and working this family out! Not that "if she goes, I go" attitude! But obvioiusly life doesnt always work out the way we want. Yeah before I stand up to him, I would want to do it in a calm and organised manner and get everything in my favor first.
Your DH is an ass faced jerk
Your DH is an ass faced jerk and does not deserve you! Dump his sorry self and save yourself before he has you so beat down that you can't!
It occurred to me reading
It occurred to me reading your post and others tonight... We were all so vibrant and happy and positive, forward thinking women before we married the step kids dad.
I miss us.
awe sixteensmom, i miss us
awe sixteensmom, i miss us too. so happy, so unassuming, innocent of the depth of lies and the manipulation and games OH AND THE BULL SHIT! now up to our eyeballs in it.
imamess, you deserve to have it a lot better. don't let him treat you like a child. you are an equal. a lot of my crap ended when I stood up to my dh too. but it takes so much energy to keep up that level of mind strength
Yeah ure right sixteensmom! i
Yeah ure right sixteensmom! i miss my old self too! i think i need to change my username. No more imamess. Time to be victorious! Im so glad im feeling much better; at least im reading all the comments and laughing/smiling. It gives me strength.
Yeps don't even give him a
Yeps don't even give him a chance to discuss the matter cuz he will turn on the charm again when he knows you are leaving. Phone your family and tell them what's going on and that you are coming back home for good! You are only 22 and you do have your whole life ahead of you. This man is a classic abuser. But way too much for you to handle, don't waste another minute trying. Get out, and put him far, far behind you. It won't be easy, but you must do it for your own sanity. Do not give him another chance, because he won't change.
OMG Take his and SD advice
OMG Take his and SD advice and get the hell out, get lost!!! He is an abuser. He is worried about you yelling in front of SD but look what that asshole is teaching her?!! WOW!
As I was reading I became concerned about an unhealthy relationship between he and SD. Poor kid, event though she is abusing you, she is also being abused one way or the other, or both.
GET OUT, GO HOME, GO BACK TO YOUR LIFE. I find that alot of men like that move you across the country, away from your family and friends and then they abuse you.. They know you have no support system, bc they made it that way.