I'm not family
Not that it's unexpected but what SS11's therapist told DH, SS doesn't see me as family. Or DS9mos or DD3. They are halfsibs. We're not his family but his BM's boyfriend is family.
The breakdown is:
BM - family
BM's boyfriend - family
Invisible Woman - not family
DD3, DS9mos - not family
DH - not sure
Apparently he hasn't decided about DH and that's definitely BM's work.
This news isn't unexpected. I don't necessarily see SS as family either and I'm struggling to deal with my feelings about him especially since his behavior has been driving me crazy.
I'm getting the blame from DH since I've been disengaging and not wanting to get involved in the drama with SS. But I have been trying so hard and have been rejected too many times. Why treat someone like family who ignores you and doesn't want anything to do with you? I'm sick of trying to get him to participate in family activities when all he does is ruin it for everyone. I've gone so out of my way to do things and we're still not family.
I feel like this is an unreasonable expectation. I'm not going to ever feel the same way towards SS as I do DD and DS. I hope he'll eventually feel more comfortable here and will at least stop treating me like I'm invisible but this family expectation is too much even if he is going to be living here fulltime.
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Thank you. I'm worried about
Thank you.
I'm worried about how SS can continue to live with us and not feel like family, and if that can work long term without being a constant source of stress and conflict.
Thanks, StepAide. I don’t
Thanks, StepAide.
I don’t exactly feel like I’m extraneous. I’m so lucky that DH and I have a great relationship and when it’s me and him and our kids, everything is fine. Add SS into the mix and everything is disrupted. That’s the problem.
He’s like a foreign invader to our home. He’s exactly like a mini-BM and I can’t stand her or anything about her. His therapist was discussing ways to help SS feel like he belongs here and it’s so difficult when he’s so firmly planted into BM’s culture and everything he likes is so associated with her and makes it so clear she’s his family and DH and I are not.
I got together with DH when
I got together with DH when SS was 7 - he's now 27!! At the ripe old age of 17, SS drew out a family tree during one of his visits to our home, and included BM, DH, SD, and he included my joint bios with DH, but not me. Thereby, making it very clear that I was not a part of his family. There was no reason for him to have drawn the family tree, but his sole purpose was to leave it lying in the kitchen in a spot I would definitely find it and to let me know my place in his life (or lack of place in his life). That's fine - I never pushed to have a place in his life! SS's family tree also showed our BKs to be an addendum to HIS family headed up by BM and DH rather than being the centre of OUR family with DH and Dory.
As you have seen, your efforts to make him feel a part of your family and to encourage him to engage activities have been fruitless. The only sensible thing left for you to do is disengage. He hasn't accepted you, and he may never.
"Why treat someone like
"Why treat someone like family who ignores you and doesn't want anything to do with you? I'm sick of trying to get him to participate in family activities when all he does is ruin it for everyone. I've gone so out of my way to do things and we're still not family.
I feel like this is an unreasonable expectation."
Invisible- you are right!! It is an unreasonable expectation.
Is this an expectation you have had of yourself, or is it one that someone else has attempted to impose on you? If you've had the expectation of yourself, it's time to free yourself of that! It's not a realistic expectation.
If someone else is attempting to impose it on you, it's time for you to decide what you are willing and able to do, and clearly communicate that, and follow through.
The good news is your DH love yous, he comitted to you, and you, he, and your kids ARE a family.
Unfortunately, the SS will be a guest in your home on a regular basis.
Do you and your DH agree on what his behavior should be as your guest and how he should be treated as a guest?
IMO, an 11 year old is old
IMO, an 11 year old is old enough to handle a conversation like this, with you and DH together and showing a united front, but DH doing all the talking:
Son, I understand that you don't see invisible, or DD's as part of your family, and you're not really sure about me. I want you to know it's OK, we understand. This must be really difficult for you.
I want you to know, you don't have to think of them as family.... it's OK if you just think of us as friends of your family that you visit with sometimes, until you are ready for something different.
So, we're not going to pressure you to be part of our family. That's too much for you right now. You will be considered a guest in our home. And in order for everyone to be safe and enjoy themselves, I have set some expectations for how our family treats guests, and how guests are expected to behave.
Then start with where he will sleep, that your home does not have a maid service.
Then explain to him how he is to be on his best behavior when he is a guest in someone's home.
I would imagine that skids
I would imagine that skids often don't view steps as "their family" much in the same way that SM's don't consider skids "their family."
Whatever you do, take care of
Whatever you do, take care of yourself, your marriage, and your kids!!
Don't let a stepchild's emotional issues cause strife in your life.