Triggered over Xmas Weekend... Invisible Stepmom
Have been doing fairly well with DH's kids since last time I posted, but I got triggered over the holiday weekend. My prior complaints have been about DH's kids from his crazy ex #2. We are all doing a lot better since a year and a half ago when I last posted here. SD21 actually took a photo of us together and posted it, LOL.
The triggering this weekend happened via DH's daughter from his 1st marriage (SD30). It was very unexpected. She and I get along great, without question, and she has voiced multiple times her happiness about mine and her dad's marriage. There is absolutely no reason for me to question that. So I have been trying to make sense of why I was in none of her holiday pics and why she referenced on Facebook that she had a great time visiting her dad and half-siblings (from crazy ex #2) over the holiday weekend, but did not mention me, though I was there the whole time.
I've really struggled with being an "Invisible Stepmom" where the kids of DH's crazy ex #2 are concerned; however, I did not expect this from SD30. We have been in family photos together before. It just seems so out of left field. SD30 is no fan of her previous stepmom (crazy ex #2).
Apparently "Invisible Stepmom" can happen even when you have a good relationship with a SKid. True, or not?
Maybe you are simply reading
Maybe you are simply reading too much into it, if this is not normal. I would think nothing of it, unless it became a new pattern.
Perhaps the photos with you didn't turn out well, or just by happenstance she didn't get any. It happens.
It's facebook. It's not real. Let it go.
SD had demonstrated to you
SD had demonstrated to you that she likes you in all other ways besides the pictures. I would talk to her about it. Say you know a step mother whose stepkids treat her invisible and leave her out of photos that she takes, how appreciative you are that she doesn't treat you like you are invisible like many stepkids do. If she does it after that, re-examine your relationship with SD.
LOL... what ended up
LOL... what ended up happening (last night) was that I just wrote, "me too? :)" on her public post about it, and my DH pointed it out to her in a separate, private conversation. SD30 contacted me overnight by private message and was very apologetic and kind. This also gave me an opportunity to give her an earful about the lay of the land between myself and crazy ex #2's kids... she hadn't known anything about it and said how sorry she was that I'd had to go through that. I know she was sincere about that... SD30 had had her own troubles with crazy ex #2 when crazy ex was her stepmom.
But still... I was "invisible stepmom" again... with a SKid I actually have a good relationship with. She only took 7 photos during the weekend, and everyone present was in a photo with her except for me. My SD21 (wildchild) actually made a point to take and post a photo of me, when she never would do it in the past.
StepAside, I spent some time
StepAside, I spent some time over the past couple of days carefully thinking about what you said. I understand the broad truth that I will never be as important to any of my SKids as their blood relatives are. I do say that as a truth, not as a pity party. Where I lowered my expectations, some time ago, is about expecting my SKids to love me. I was really self-deceived about that, where the younger three are concerned; I had this idea that they would love me for *not* being their mother; i.e., for not having a mental illness (their mother is diagnosed bipolar I with narcissistic tendencies) and constantly causing drama and dysfunction within the family unit. My SD30 shared her dad with his 2nd wife and the children of that marriage for years now. This is not a brand-new situation for her. And we all honestly did have a good time together this holiday. There was no whisper of discontent from *any* of my SKids while we were all together for the holidays this year, which is actually a first where the younger three are concerned, and that was actually a big victory. My husband and I both said something to my SD30 about the issue and I received a more-than-satisfactory apology and contrition from her. I do not think she did this consciously, but speaking my truth and my husband's assistance brought something from SD30's subconscious, into her conscious thought, and I do not think it will happen (from her) again. Now, the other three, that's still debatable, though. [*laughs ruefully*] I'll deal with that as it comes.
It may well be true that not lowering my expectations will only lead to disappointment. I am resolved to accept the disappointment and use it in the future as an opportunity to be brave and speak my truth. My SKids are all adults--they'll either handle it or they won't, but I'll speak my truth. That is how I choose to resolve my "invisibility." I have already compromised by lowering my expectations about having the love of my SKids--but I won't compromise concerning the simple fact of my existence. There are some things that simply should not be compromised.
"I have already compromised
"I have already compromised by lowering my expectations about having the love of my SKids--but I won't compromise concerning the simple fact of my existence. There are some things that simply should not be compromised."
This should be our mantra. It is said the worst insult you can give to a person is to treat them as if they are invisible. Many cultures and religions consider ostracism as a final separation. In a school setting it is considered as 'bullying'. In most skids situations it is never unintentional or accidental, it is purposeful.
I often wonder what was in DH's mind for so many years - how blind he was to it, or possibly wanted to avoid confrontation at my expense. Maybe he was just hoping that I would continue to try and try. But love is like a bank; only so much can be taken out until you are bankrupt. Luckily for DH he HAS made enough 'love' investments so our marriage has survived but he has had to work hard to get to this point. One thing that has really helped is that our expectations have changed to something a bit more realistic.
I hope you can continue to
I hope you can continue to have a good friendship with your SD30; let this incident go, since SD30 was sincere in her apology. I HAD a very nice relationship with my SD55 for 20+ years.
They moved here, to the same town, 13 years ago. The first year was great; then I started noticing little incidents, such as you have posted. Every time we were around them, SD55 would make more and more nasty remarks, exclude me in this and that (pictures, etc.). I was working full time, DH was retired. I would come home, suggest we go to SD55's for an evening of cards or just to visit; which we usually did on one night during the weekend; they would come to our house for cards and visit often also. DH would decline, saying "I was up to visit with SD55 today, I don't want to go tonight." It was a red flag to me, but I ignored it, because I was busy with our life, working and all. SIL noticed this also. This went on for 10 years and kept getting worse and finally everything fell apart last year. It all caught me by surprise! DH and SD were having a hay day at my expense. I couldn't do anything right and they were very controlling on everything we planned for entertainment. I could write a "big" book on all the planning behind my back; which I wasn't paying attention; because I've always trusted my DH and SD, where I was concerned. Well SD55 wrote me a two page hate email about how I was blah...blah...blah. I was flabbergasted!
Long story short, the past year has been a very long story, including kicking DH out to SD's and then trying to put our marriage back together. I no longer respect DH, trust DH or SD55. I never engage with SD and never will again. DH brought this all about and SD loved it; so now they can go for it. We have lost our marriage and relationship; we live like roommates.
I am retired, independent, and rid of these feelings of caring or worrying about what my grown Skids think of me. I have never had words with my Skids, I have always been civil. I've informed my DH, I'm going forward with my life, retired. Now everyone is being SO....nice. Won't work, I've been thru the wringer.
My heart is broken and I never dreamed DH would turn on me like this. Now I look back and DH and SD did this to BM; gathered this from all the over and over stories of their past. SD has been working DH since she was a very little girl.
I'm posting, just so you don't get sucked up into this sort of events. I hope it stays good for you, because I've given DH 36 years of my total devotion and I still stay (to protect my investments). I am a giving person and trusted too much.
Keep your eyes and ears open. I would stay arms length; you can still be a friend. Be careful!
Oh Sammigirl my heart just
Oh Sammigirl my heart just breaks to read your post. To have that many years invested and the last 12 to change so dramatically. My situation is somewhat similar, I've been with DH for 11 years, married for five. While we were dating SD was so happy for us and I always thought she was my biggest advocate. I even saved cards and notes that she sent me that had the most beautiful words of gratitude for me.
At the time, SD lived several states away and only came to visit a few times a year. Prior to her moving to our area, she made a statement to me that I will never forget. She said that she didn't want her father to have to choose between us when she moved back. I later asked DH what she may have meant by that and he said he had no idea, that I should ask her. Several months later I asked her and wanted to tell her that our relationships were different, at the time, I was the GF and she the daughter. I couldn't get that out because once I asked her the question she started crying hysterically (we were walking along the street at the time). Both her former husband and DH ran to her as though I had just beat her. Everyone looked at me as though I had just committed a crime and never once asked me what happened.
Things have never been the same. When we married she did take part and read a bible passage but got drunk during our reception. Many months after our wedding she did apologize for making the wedding about her and taking it away from us. I thought this might be the turn to back to her old feelings but it was short lived.
She recently had an issue with DH and stopped talking to him for a couple months. During the time they didn't speak, DH was a different man. Yes, it bothered him that they weren't talking but he treated me so lovingly. An event happened and she needed something so she started calling again. She then wanted to have a talk with DH and SS to discuss her feelings. Evidently, I'm responsible for a lot of her issues even though I've only been in 1/4 of her life. She unfriended me from FB because she didn't like seeing posts of DH and I with my BS and DIL, however, she's still FB friends with my DIL and can see posts. But my DH doesn't "get" or understand FB and fell for her response. She also requested lunch and/or dinners without me and the clincher was when she requested that DH do things with the GSKIDS without me.
It's sad to think that SD will never change.
I think the fact that she
I think the fact that she burst into tears was a red flag. I think it is not just skids. A lot of people have this ridiculous notion in their heads of stepmoms making their husbands 'choose' between them and kids. A man's relationship with his children is supposed to be totally different from his relationship with his wife. The two are not the same.
Before I married my DH I had well meaning friends tell me my DH should not have to choose between his son and me. People can be stupid when it comes to blended families.
I've had some well meaning
I've had some well meaning friends and relatives say the same thing. In fact, a therapist said this to me one time and I changed therapists immediately. You are right - it isn't that our DHs are having to choose between us and their kids. A DH should not allow a SM to disrespect his kids and should insist his kids respect his wife. The problems is that many men see their children, whom they have known from babies to adults, as extensions of themselves. They seem to overlook a lot because they are afraid to lose these skids - who are so tied to their identity. SM is a more recent addition to a man's life, not so much history, not as much of a personal investment, more expendable. She sees his children as adults who should ACT like adults. Our view of the skids are just not the same as DH's are.
When DH married his first wife they had no kids so the marriage was his top priority. They made each other first and foremost. When they had SD it was a joint effort, further bonding the marriage. As with a lot of SMs, when I married DH I was expected to adjust to HIS life. SD made HIS life more important than mine. We were never able to form the same type of marriage bond that DH and BM did. And you know what? I bought into this whole scenario because society keeps telling us that 'children come first' - even when they are adults!!! Our bonding of SD was imbalanced. I did not have the same view of SD that DH and BM had. They probably saw there as their 'little girl'. When I met SD I thought she was a beautiful girl, but after we got married I noticed she seemed to pout a lot. I saw her as an overly-indulged, self-centered, disrespectful adult. In retrospect, I can see DH was trying to be her friend rather than a Father.
I continue to visit this site in the hopes that my story will convince another woman who is new to a 'blended' family to do the right things BEFORE or early in a marriage. If I were to do it over again I would have made sure there was an understanding between DH and I: What you wrote is SO important! "A man's relationship with his children is supposed to be totally different from his relationship with his wife. The two are not the same." It's all about respect.
Yep. Any daughter who thinks
Yep. Any daughter who thinks she is competing with step-mommy for daddy's affection on some sort of level playing field, has an Electra complex a mile wide. Funny how everyone seems to understand that a mom and dad's love is different than a dad and daughter's love. But, if you say a stepmom and dad's love is different than a dad and daughter's love, that seems to throw a wrench in it for some people for some reason. I keep wanting to tap people on the shoulders and say, "Hello, my husband and I are husband and wife. We are not husband and foreign object."
It sounds like an honest
It sounds like an honest oversight on your SD's part. My YSD almost always says "I'm at my Dad's" when she is in our house and someone calls her on her cell. And after we spent several days in her home last year on vacation, the only picture she posted on Facebook was of her & DH, and then her fiance posted saying how much he loves them both (her and DH)
I was a little hurt but like you, I know my YSD does care for me and we have a good relationship, and her fiance has made it really clear that he truly likes me a whole lot too. So yes it sucks to be the "invisible stepmom" but if your relationship is otherwise good, trust that she cares about you and forgive these small hurts...