I think you should sit down with him (without any children present so you can focus on each other without distractions) and express to him very clearly exactly how you feel about this. It might help for you to write it down in a letter form because then you can revise it before giving it to him and for some reason it seems like some people absorb information visually better than aurally. In the past when I was going through issues like this with my husband, we would sit down and he would get defensive and not really listen to me. I ended up writing him letters and they had a huge impact. If you think he won't do well talking in person, a letter might be a better way to go.

Your role in his life and his kids life is vague and it seems like you are expected to be a babysitter when he needs one and step back when he says so and that is just not fair to you. You are being taken for granted and unappreciated for what you do contribute (which is a lot!).

I would tell him exactly how you feel and tell him how it hurts you and makes you feel unappreciated and used. As hard as it is, it is not your job to parent his child and the only obligation you have to anyone is to your daughter and it sounds like you are a fabulous, caring, involved mother and your daughter is lucky to have you! I have a skid with Aspergers and it can be a major challenge, but rewarding too.

Since he has made it very clear that he does not want you to be a mother figure to his child, I would step back and take absolutely no responsibility in that area. Are you his girlfriend or babysitter? Is he paying you for the time you put into taking care of his child? I feel sorry for his kid, but you aren't helping anyone, especially the dad if you enable him to take people for granted and use them, which I think he is doing with you. Your obligation is to your daughter. If he is a shoddy parent to his kid, that sucks but it's not your job to fix it. If you aren't a step-parent figure to his child and you aren't a paid babysitter you have absolutely no obligation to provide any kind of childcare and you should NOT feel guilty or allow him to try to guilt trip you or make you feel like the bad guy. It is HIS job to provide child care for his kid, not yours.

To be honest, it sounds like he wants the goods for free without any payback. You are cooking and sacrificing your valuable time to take care of him and his child yet you are receiving all the respect and gratitude of an unpaid migrant worker. Don't be a pushover!!! If he wants to eat a yummy home cooked meal, he should cook it himself! My H usually cooks because he loves to and is better at it than I am, but we split the household chores and always verbally tell each other how much we appreciate the effort. I am married to my husband and a step-mother to my skids and my husband still tells me constantly how grateful and appreciative he is for how much time, effort and love I put into his kids and taking care of him. When I clean, he thanks me and compliments my effort. When he cooks, I thank him and praise his food (which is kickass by the way). We always praise and appreciate each other and I think every single person in a relationship deserves to be treated this way.

The problem is that you have to set clear boundaries with him and stick to them. It is just not your job to provide free childcare for him and be used like an unpaid maid and cook. This seems like a very unfair relationship and my advice is to sit down with him and tell him what your boundaries are. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He gets a girlfriend who cooks for him and his kid, takes care of his kid when he's out of town, yet he denies you the respect of appreciating your role in his child's life and acknowledging you for it???!!! This is just not fair. If he won't talk about it with you then you have a very serious problem. Tell him what you expect from him and what he can reasonably expect from you and make sure your rules are fair and even to both of you. No matter how guilty you feel (or he tries to make you feel) stick to your boundaries because you owe yourself that respect and to model self respect to your daughter. Refuse to be used and unappreciated. If he gets childcare elsewhere, great! It's not your problem. You aren't helping him by enabling him to use and disrespect you. When you let someone treat you like that, you let them treat someone badly and that doesn't make them a better person or help them in any way.

I would just tell him what you expect and hammer out specific roles and demand the respect and appreciation that you deserve. If he isn't willing to show you respect and appreciate you then it's time to seriously re-assess your relationship.

Good luck with this and I hope it works out!!!

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

i agree...he is showing you zero respect. it almost comes across as disdain...like i dont want or need your help, but if you are dumb enough to give it i will take it. and the fact it sounds like he wants nothing to do with your daughter.

how is that in any way the foundation of a marriage? where is the concept of partnership?

i would SERIOUSLY think about not marrying someone like that...