I feel I am being taken advantage of
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He has four children from his previous marriage and they live in the same town as us. All three adults have jobs. My husband commutes and has only one day off a week. I work a split shift. During our first year of marriage, Every morning before I went to work, I would drive across town to the ex's house to pick up the kids and take them to school. At noon when my morning shif ended I would return to the ex's house to meet the bus from hte preschool with the youngest child. The child stayed with me until 3:45 and I would return across town to drop her offf, barely giving me time to return to work to finish my day. I became pregnant in October and continued the routine of driving/working/driving.. etc until the school year ended. This school year the youngest is in all day kindergarten, but the mother has changed her schedule and now I am expected to pick up the 2 youngest at 6:30 every morning, drive them across town to our house and then across town again when their school starts. I also give a ride to the oldest once or twice a week to band practice. Other than transportation, I never see these kids. Except wjhen they are sick because I am the one who takes time off work when they do not go to school. By the way, I also have my own 2 month old son who cries regularly when I am driving so often. To make matters worse, my husband is leaving the country soon for immigration issues. He plans to continue to pay her child support, but I will be on my own with expenses. I can live with the money part, but he also expects me to continue the daily transportation thing. I spend a lot of money on gasoline and time driving when technically my own job is within walking distance. I have tried to discuss this with him several times and we end up arguing. He says he already agreed to take care of the kids during the days and their mother the nights and it is his responsibility. I want to tell him that I do not feel that it is my responsibility because theat woman is not MY ex. I know he does not want to discuss it with her and he would rather just leave things as they are. When he leaves the country she will still be getting a monthy payment, and I feel theat it would be appropriate to ask her to find a babysitter. Should I approach her or is there some other way in which I could resolve this with my husband?
Put your foot down, these
Put your foot down, these are not your kids, she is not your ex. Your Dh and the BM are taking advantage. Just say no. they are NOT your responsibility.
yes
yes
Exactly this ^^^^^ The key
Exactly this ^^^^^
The key wording is "HE has agreed to take care of the children...". This does NOT by proxy mean you. Right now you are *discussing* and *asking* DH's permission to absolve you of HIS responsibility for HIS children however did he give you the same consideration when "HE agreed" to YOU playing taxi's?!!! Doubtful and even if he had, things change and you have the right to say no more.
STOP negotiating with DH because you are giving him the idea this topic is up for discussion and he can tell you what to do. Simply TELL him you are NOT going to do this.
Right now his concern is for his EX WIFE and his old agreement with her, however where the hell is the concern for you given you have recently given birth and are struggling with a newborn and on top he will be leaving you on your own to deal with that, manage your job, your bills, your home and then he expects you to continue doing ridiculous travelling to help out the ex?!! :jawdrop: Selfish B!
Love, you ARE being taken advantage of and you are allowing it, you are enabling it. Do not allow him to manipulate, guilt you or make you afraid of repercussions!
I fear if I dont do this, she
I fear if I dont do this, she will just leave the 6 and 7 year home alone to not have to pay a sitter. DH's reply is that I am not helping HER, but I am helping the kids. I also fear that if I don't continue, she will jsut leave the 5 and 7 year old home alone as an alternative. I feel so bad for the 15 year old who gets many parental responsibilities.
Yeah, but This is NOT your
Yeah, but This is NOT your problem! These are HIS kids and HIS responsibility!!!
Technically he could drive
Technically he could drive the kids in hte mornings right now because he works nights. However, when he gets home at 4 a.m. I feel bad expecting him to get up at 6 for taxi duty when 6 a.m. is only 2 hours before work for me. We have had this argument. It just rips my heart out to hear MY baby cry because either Daddy didn't wake up while I was driivng or because he is in the back seat and I am too busy driving to give him the care he needs.
Next focus, how do I discuss
Next focus, how do I discuss this with my husband without ending up in a big argument? I would rather not speak to her if I do not have to. She never speaks to me, won't even look me in hte eye. SHe communicatess to me through her poor 15 year old who has to send me texts at his mother's command. What do I say?
I really don't think you
I really don't think you should be communicating with BM at all. Especially if you don't want to and if she won't even speak directly to you. Your DH needs to step up and take over ALL of the responsibility that he's piled in your lap. Of course he'll be upset once you tell him you're not going to do it anymore. He and BM have it great right now. They don't have to do anything not even take time off of work to take care of THEIR kids when they're sick! So yeah, they'll pitch one but what you have to KNOW is that this situation is not right. If BM has anything to say about you not driving her kids around, she can tell DH. Not you and not her 15 year old. You're not the personal assistant of either one of them and you need to start prioritizing yourself and your baby. Especially if he's leaving you two here without any financial support, yet taking care of his other four children. You're being WAY too caring for a man who obviously doesn't think he needs to take care of ANY of the children he's made.
Your comment does not help.
Your comment does not help.
"He says he already agreed to
"He says he already agreed to take care of the kids during the days and their mother the nights and it is his responsibility."
He is absolutely correct when he says this, and that's why HE should be taking care of the kids because it is HIS responsibility. Or HE needs to find another solution.
If he really appreciated your effort and was prepared to compromise, and you didn't mind doing it, then that would be one thing, but he clearly now EXPECTS you to act as his surrogate in fulfilling his responsibilities, even with a newborn baby in tow. The parents needs to make other arrangements and stop using you as a free childminder and taxi. If your FH has to leave the country he needs to be contributing to your and your baby's support as well as supporting his ex.
You said it yourself, you
You said it yourself, you don't even see these kids unles DH and BM need u to drive them places...so you are nothing more then their Driver! Yes! DH and BM are USING you! Put a Stop to it! Your baby deserves more then to be stuck in the car for so much every day! These two people decided to have kids and now they want You to drive them around! I don't think so! Tell your DH you are Done w this! You've done it long enough! If BM leaves kids alone there are services who will handle that....Holy shit! Some ppl have some Nerve! Just start putting yourself and YOUR baby 1st! Its about time!
He says he's going to pay her
He says he's going to pay her while he's away.... but what if he doesn't? He's paying for four kids, but not taking care of them. He's not waking up to take care of the fifth child while you take care of the first four. What if... he doesn't pay or can't get back for months or years? He's got enough money to pay child support while he's out of the country and he couldn't pay for a private bus service to get the kids to school in the morning for the last two years? You need to be ready to take care of your own child. You can't be spending your paycheck on gas while he's gone. Protect yourself because the mother of those four children isn't going to be there for you while your husband is gone.
I agree with the others, if she leaves the kids home alone, call the cops.