If your wife does not change her ways she is going to be a lonely old woman one of these days because no one is going to put up with that. When a person refuses counseling its usually because they don't want the counselor to tell them what they are doing wrong. At least you put forth the effort to save the marriage by offering counseling. Most people would have already been gone because of the manipulation and the filth.

d

A lot of us on this board deal with that kind of behavior day after day after day........and somehow, it always IS the SP's fault. It's never the custodial parent's fault and God forbid the child should have responsibility for his/her actions. It sucks, it blows, it's depressing, defeating, maddening, and annoying. If you really want your marriage to work, I have a few helpful hints that helped me somewhat, but they weren't major life changing things! But it did help in the areas where my life was affected.

Put a huge sign on the back of the BR door. List the steps for proper hygiene: 1. Wash your hands. 2. Brush your teeth. 3. Shower daily. 4. All waste goes in the garbage can. 5. Flush the toilet and put the seat down. 6. Wipe out the sink. 7. Pull the shower curtain closed. And so on. I had to do it in my house because of DH's son. I could care less if it bothers DH or his son. If doing those things isn't such a big deal in the first place, then I wouldn't have had to put up signs. *If* he had been raised properly, then his son would've known that doing those things is essential for proper health and the basics of cleaning up after yourself. You didn't raise your SD, she wasn't raised the same way that you were, maybe your wife wasn't either, but those things are basic to rearing a child and being a decent human being.

Next, put a huge reminder sign on the fridge and on the back of her door. If you expect certain things (chores, homework) to be done on Monday, list them. And then do it for the whole week. Start with homework. Come up with some sort of consequence for noncompliance.

Just to get you thinking about consequences, does your SD have a TV in her room? A game system? Computer? Do you pay the electricity? If so, yank out one item per offense. Those are nonessential items for survival and you are well within your rights to limit the amount of kilowatt hours that are being used in your home when other IMPORTANT tasks aren't being done. Does she have a cell phone and it's in your name? Same principal! No sense in her talking on your time and dime when she isn't helping you out.

I've done these things in my house and I've announced the changes to DH and his son. I never asked for their permission. It does cause problems at times but my mother always tells me if someone is going to be miserable, it might as well be DH and/or his son because they're the ones who are causing the misery. As a matter of fact, since it isn't such a big deal that DH's son help out with chores or cleaning up after himself, I've gotten a cleaning service for our house. If DH doesn't see the big deal in his son helping out, then I'm sure he won't mind paying the weekly cleaning fee.

I do wish you luck and hope that your situation works out for your best interests. These women have pulled me out of major ragers with their wise words and witty sayings, so I hope you find some advice here that will help and lift your spirits!

The divorce rate is very high in the United States. The divorce rate for second marriages isn't 50% the numbers I see are something like 65% for second and 75% for third marriages. If you throw a child with behavioral issues into a relationship the odds just increase for a divorce.

It sounds like your stepdaughter has some of the ordinary issues of being a "tweener," but there could be other issues there.

Sadly, you are the step father and that means your wife (and her ex husband)are responsible for the medical care and or the decisions about psychological care. If you push for treatment your wife may resent you even more. If you "disengage" you may resent that because to you it may be "your step daughter" winning.

Whether its two bio parents or a bio parent and a step parent, both of them have to "be on the same page" as far as discipline and goals. Thats one of the hardest things to do in life.

I wish that I could offer a lot of encouragement, but its going to be a long road. Both you and your wife have to decide whether you want this relationship to work. Only the two of you can do that.

Kevin

I like Tookie2's advise...and I like her mom. It's true, there's no point in being the one that's miserable. It's your home, too.

The posted rules become the object of discipline, not you. Write them down with the rules, e.g., Clean your room, if you don't then no TV for --- days. If DW wants to argue about it, then just point to the rules and let her argue with a piece of paper. Don't debate it and don't give in. Compromise can come later once DW and SD demonstrate full understanding of your motivation to rear a healthy, self-respecting young woman.

Also, if you want to get counseling, set the appointment and go. Let DW know when it is and tell her you need her to join you. If she doesn't, then go anyway and get some support for yourself and some tools on how to manage this situation for your own peace of mind...and in essence give you permission to disengage if nothing else.

There are plenty of us that have received huge benefits from counseling, despite if the mate goes or not. For me, I made the appointment and told my DH when and where it was. He showed up b/c deep down he knew we needed the help and just needed to see how serious I was about it. Not sure your DW will respond the same way, but it's worth a try.

as well. I have begged my DH to put his son in counseling but he refuses. I have begged my DH to join me at my "life coaching" sessions. He won't go and that's because he refuses to hear from a neutral party that what I am saying is actually true and rational. Which is probably what your wife fears as well; that someone might tell her that her parenting skills are subpar and her daughter needs to be disciplined.

On a personal note, I finally gave up trying to get DH to go to counseling with me. At my last appt., DH called about a minute before we were to go in to tell me he was too hungry to sit through the appt. Mind you, he had known for 2 or 3 weeks about it and had plenty of notice to eat; it wasn't like I sprang it on him last minute. My life coach now understands fully what I'm going through (not that he didn't before that happened) but he's adamant that my DH will never change what he can't/won't acknowledge: His son is a problem in our marriage and his parenting skills suck. I'd bet you'd hear close to the same thing if you were to find a therapist, and I guarantee your wife will not want to hear it.

Kevin makes great points about her parents as well as disengaging. I've tried it numerous times but it does allow the other parent and child to "win" so to speak. In the end, it always backfired on me.

I also rely on dr.phil.com for advice in my situation. I don't read his boards but follow his links to Life Strategies. They're helpful in my situation. They may help you, too.

While it's totally disgusting that she doesn't keep herself clean, she might be going through a phase. My little cousin & I went through a phase at that exact age where we were REBELLING against doing girly things just because we were girls. We were both tomboys & wanted to be who we wanted to be according to ourselves, not everyone else. I am thinking she might be going through this phase. (BTW - I made terrible grades too at that time.) If so, good news! It will pass. If you would not give her something to rebel against, she'll probably grow up all at once (probably in the summer) & by the time she's 14 she'll be a normal teenage girl who makes decent grades, keeps herself clean & dresses nicely.

I hope this is the case. If she doesn't change by the time she's 14 then there is something definitely wrong.

Hipi

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.