my mom doesn't treat my stepson the way she treats my son.
My son is 12 and my stepson is 5. My stepson has lived with his dad and I since he was just 1yr old. The mother lives in another state. We have been living with my mom on and off for the last 4 years and we're living with her now so the kids see her everyday. My mom has always been known as extremely nice, caring and giving but I have been noticing that she doesn't treat my stepson as good as she does my son. She is nice to him and when my son isn't around, she will take my stepson to the store with her and stuff but when my son is around its a different story. When the kids fight, she almost always blames my stepson. She cooks my son breakfast every morning before school but when my stepson wakes up she doesn't even ask if he is hungry. The other day my son's bike tire busted and she took both kids to the store. She bought my son a new tire AND some other stuff he didn't need for his bike and my stepson didn't get anything. I keep telling my husband that I'm going to talk to her about it, but I feel like I don't know how to. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad even though she should. I love my stepson as if he were mine and my husband is starting to dispise my mother. I am really shocked that she is acting like this.
Any advice on how to approach the subject with my mom?
Also, my husband is actually my boyfriend but we have been together for 12 years and broke up for 3 years from 2001-2004 (his son was born in 2004)but we remained close friends even when we were broken up. My mom has always liked him and he raised my 12 yr old with me from the time my son was still in diapers. We just haven't gottin around to marriage
He treated my son as if he was his own and I can't figure out why she doesn't treat his son fairly.
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Thats a tough one. I
Thats a tough one. I couldn't imagine having to deal with that. My mom is a very emotional person. I would suggest try writing a letter, and rewriting untill you feel comfortable with how you're going to say what you need to, because you really need to.
Is your son her first and/or
Is your son her first and/or only grandchild? If she is being nice to the boy and not making him feel uncomfortable, then I wouldn't really say anything to her. She is opening her home to your family. You say she treats the child well, maybe that is all she can give.
I say this because I have a grandson. There is nothing on this earth more important to me than his wellbeing. I can't imagine feeling that way about someone else's child. I can't even give that to my husband's kids. I treat them well, that's all folks.
As cheesy as it sounds,
As cheesy as it sounds, maybe try the "When you.... I feel...." statements. Try not to use absolute words, like always and never. That can help keep her from feeling defensive. To me, it's a little concerning about the whole breakfast thing. It's not real hard to cook for two kids if you're cooking for one. There's not really any extra effort in that one.
To every thing there is a season.
Ok, I know this sucks,
Ok, I know this sucks, but....I can somewhat kinda understand her. While it would be totally awesome if everyone could just jump on board and treat everyone the same whether bio or step...it's difficult. As hard as I may try, I don't feel the same about my stepson as I do about my biological son. These feelings seem to just naturally flow for B.S. I think it sounds like your mom is at least trying, while not perfect. I mean, she takes SS places, and that should be acknowledged on some level. It's not like she is refusing to acknowledge his existence or some craziness like that.
I guess all I am saying is that I know how hard it is to try and *make* myself feel love for SS, and I got to PICK my DH. Grandma didn't have a say in any of this, didn't ask for any of this, and it may just be hard for her. Definitely talk to her about it VERY NICELY, but don't jump down her throat PLEASE. If you do, the awkwardness will GROW. Trust this!! Is it possible that she feels guilty about her lesser feelings for your SS? I know I do, but no matter what I do, I can't FORCE myself to LOVE SS the way some people think I should. I can be nice to him. I can do things for him. And I think that's about all anyone can ask of me.
How about when she does
How about when she does something like buy one stuff and not the other, just flat out say "please dont buy one something and not the other, I dont want anyone's feelings hurt" as soon as they get home and you see it...if you notice she doesnt ask SS if he is hungry, ask her "Did you ask SS if he wanted any?"...just start subtly calling her out on it WHEN she's actually doing it. She can't "not realize it" or flat out deny it if you bring it up when she's doing it. Plus, you won't come off like you're sitting her down for a lecture if you bring it up when she is currently doing it.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
With bio/steps it is hard.
With bio/steps it is hard. BUT I treat the kids the same, and I think everyone should.
I realize that maybe she doesn't have a lot of money so she spoils the grandson instead of BF son. It is possible for her to feel favortism towards the grandson. It is possible that she doesn't realize she is doing it. Bring it to her attention but try and get her honest feelings on the subject.