Do you think your DH was not ready to be remarried?
DH was divorced nine years go and I was divorced thirteen years ago, and we met nine months after his divorce and he had already gone through one relationship in those months. We've been married for seven years. So I had almost five years (and no serious relationships) before I met DH and he had nine months before he met me and had had a serious relationship fast that imploded.
Based on how things have gone, my opinion is that DH was not divorced and alone long enough to really be ready to get serious and get married again. He hadn't been on his own and worked out a divorced relationship with BM so I "get to" be a part of this weird purgatory of their lack of gaining independence from each other. Not at all that they have loving feelings for each other, that they haven't had any time to just be divorced (BM started a relationship right away, too).
Anyone else feel this way?
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Unfortunately, (and honestly)
Unfortunately, (and honestly) we were both not ready to be married - especially not to each other. It resulted in our divorce and I think we were both at fault. The length of time was not a factor, but the post seperation learning from original spouse was. DH was divorced for around 3 years and I had been on my own for 5 years - although both of us had relationships (of various forms) before we met.
exDH was not ready to parent responsibily. Anyone who married him would have to take on the burden of a Dad who didn't know how to properly raise responsible independent kids. He was a single dad with primary custody of 2 young teenagers and IMO was overwhelmed and out of his depth. He had no romantic feelings or longings to get back with BM - they were and are still truly over. Problem is exDH still hasn't properly learned how to deal with his adult DS(22) now.
I had my own issue and to be fair to exDH, I didn't realise what they were until we were in process of getting divorced. I ended up mourning my divorce and the death of my first husband at the same time... I spent most of last year getting closure on both losses. It was not an easy process or year. Added to this, during our relationship and marriage I had no experience in dealing with stepkids and the chaos the dynamic brought to my marriage and life.
Obviously my exDH and I were not a recipe for a successful marriage and the result proves it. However, at least I can take the learnings, growth and progress/closure with my own issues away from the experience. I cannot claim the same for my X who is still sadly repeating the same mistakes.
(At least we are cordial and friendly - when required - to each other. We aren't cross friends or nasty to each other as happens in some divorces. It helps because I am the primary caregiver to his adult son(18) who is a full time student and we need to contact each other from time to time. This is the only difference he has with his first divorce as he and his first ex wife are always rather contentious.)
I don't think that post-seperation time is an overriding factor - the ability to learn from a marriage or relationship that went bust, and honestly see your own (and partner's) mistakes and contributions to the failure is.
Could not agree more.
Could not agree more. The simple passage of time means nothing. What matters is the willingness to actually examine your part in the demise of the marriage and deciding not to make the same mistakes. Too many people decide that the end of a marriage is the other person's fault and that is that. They cheated, they were violent, they had an addiction. OK. Definite justification for divorce. But you were the perfect spouse at all times and have nothing to learn from the experience? No flaws at all that you have to own? Until that is processed, I don't think someone is ready for marriage.
That said, my own DH was definitely not. He talked a good game. And I wanted it to be true so I believed it even with red flags. That is on me.
QUITE POSSIBLY?
They had been apart 5 years, but didn't quite learn how to separate if you will. She controlled everything, and he has no family alive so he depended on her to do everything with their child. He spent holidays with them for him to see his son, and remained close with her family since he had none of his own. His adult daughter saw all this (with her half brother and his mom) and now that he's finally ready to move on and have his own life again, they are all in an uproar and trying to stop that from happening. So I get to also be party to this and am actually being blamed for part of it. I guess if i could go back in time and manipulate it, I would have him had better boundaries and lived a more 'divorced' life before we got serious. But I was already in it before I saw it for what it was. Now are are doing counseling to help with all this.