"I didn't hear what happened"
This morning my BS was being very disrespecful to me. I told him off. He hasn't been doing things he's been asked to do. And, I'm frustrated with him as he's been an real *$$ lately to me. (I'm sure it's because I'm mom and I'm safe to let out his feelings but he could just tell me about it rather than lash out.)
I told DH that BS was being disrespectful. About a minute later BS walked through the room. DH said nothing.
Now, DH does not have to read my mind. We've had a discussion about having each other's backs and enforcing pleasant behavior toward the other parent/adult in the house, calling out the kid. I have done it for him with all of the kids. DH expects me to do it for him.
After BS had walked through (and out the door to school) I said to DH that that would have been an ideal time to say something. DH's response: "I didn't see what happened." My response: "Does it matter?"
Really? I need proof, do we need to convene a jury of my peers to review the situation to determine if DH should or should not have said something? I told him this is why I feel like he is siding with the kids. He questions me all the time and assumes I have the worst intentions or that I am at fault, they are disrespecful or even lie to his face and everything is okay. I asked if his mom had to videotape he and his siblings all day long to show his dad proof if she wanted help with discipline. No. DH at least admitted it should not have mattered that he saw it.
This is ongoing. Always an excuse not to step up. WTF is wrong with them or with me?
P.S. The one person who does call out BS on his crap? My XH. We have been divorced longer than we were married but XH has called BS out immediately if it happens in his presence and XH has talked with BS if I have told him about some bad situation.
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"Now, DH does not have to
"Now, DH does not have to read my mind. We've had a discussion about having each other's backs and enforcing pleasant behavior toward the other parent/adult in the house, calling out the kid. I have done it for him with all of the kids. DH expects me to do it for him."
Actually.. I think you were expecting him to read your mind and connect the dots that what you were venting about to him was something you wanted HIM to address with BS.
(just one clarification.. is BS a child you share between you? or is it your BIO son.. or is it your step son.. and you are using BS in a way we don't normally see here).
Sure... you think the agreement is that you back him up etc.. but he may have just thought you were venting.. and your DH didn't think you meant for him to actually broach it with BS.
In order for your DH to take this up with the boy.. he needs to know specifically WHAT exactly the issue is and then further.. he probably needs to know exactly what YOU want done about it.
Yeah, I'm confused. Why does
Yeah, I'm confused. Why does DH have to call out your son? And how would he know what to call him out on if he didn't see it?
Seems to me that XH (the boy's father, I assume) is actually the correct person to do it.
(I wouldn't call out DH's kids either, for that matter).
Is this BS your husband's
Is this BS your husband's child? That would greatly affect my answer.
Unless I had been standing
Unless I had been standing where I could see/hear the little sh*t disrespecting you at the exact event, I would rather wait to discuss is rude unacceptable behavior until after school.
I'd have more time to sit the kid down and talk. I don't find as the kid is walking out the door for school would give mem time to do more than mutter 'knock it off, you little sh*t'.... and IMO, if I am to call the kid out and let him know this behavior isn't going to fly I want the time to do so appropriately.
However, I might have said, 'hey, me and you have some talking to do after school/work this evening' in a stern enough tone that the kid knew whatever happened this morning hasn't been and won't be forgotten.
But it doesn't sound like your DH intends to say anything at all, ever.
Thanks, and a few answers/comments
BS is my bio son, DHs stepson.
I am expecting him to “read the room” without me having to say something. That’s what we had discussed. I guess I need to state it outright that I expect some support.
However, twoviewpoints is right that he doesn’t intend to address it. Even if he had been there he would not have done anything, if we agree he will say something later he does not. He avoids parenting at all costs.
Oh.. it's your son.. your DH
Oh.. it's your son.. your DH's Stepson. I am 100% on board with your husband's reluctance to jump in when it relates to your son's treatment of you. Look, that's a minefield. you can "say" you want him to back you up.. but really.. if he came down on your kid you would probably be the first to defend your own child. He is taking the path of least resistance here.. and I don't really blame him.
Now.. if he actually witnesses it? Sure.. a "knock it off and listen to your mom" is fine. But, I think you need to parent your own son here... I don't think it's your DH's job to do it for you really. In fact.. he probably doesn't want to for a variety of reasons.. including the fact that most stepkids start really resenting stepparent intervention.. and it really ends up creating hard feelings for the kid. I just don't think your husband feels it's in his best interest to enter into a situation where he doesn't have the dog in the fight.. and where he may feel there is too much vaguness for him to really jump in.. and the risk of jumping in is too high.
Ok...but...
DH expects me to parent with him when it’s his kids. And I’ve said we should parent our own and do it separately. He wants us to be a team and both parent. But only when it suits him. I just can’t win. And I don’t defend BS. If he’s being awful I call him on it. If DH says BS is being awful, I agree or if I didn’t see it I believe DH. If it’s the skids then it’s only okay for me to say something if DH wants me to, but it’s never consistent with shen and how it’s supposed to happen.
Maybe it’s mostly that DHs attitude is to question me and always excuse the kid, any kid, even if he witnessed it and there is incontrovertible evidence a kid did something against the rules/lied.
Well, sounds like then, by
Well, sounds like then, by default, your way will be implemented - you can stop backing him up with his kids, too.
Why does a parent need a stepparent to back them up anyway? As long as you don't undermine him and he doesn't undermine you, that's enough.
By "parent with him" what do
By "parent with him" what do you mean... Does that mean that he expects you to correct his kids "freely" when you are with them.. and not just wait to talk to him later? Does it mean he expects you to help stick to consequences that he gives his kids... like they are in trouble wiht him and grounded.. he expects you to not let them have their WIFI or whatever?
Or.. does he expect that after HE talks with them and gives them a consequence.. he wants you to follow up behind him and give them "another talk"? Because that kind of sounds like what you were asking him to do. Look.. your kid was acting like a turd to you.. it's on YOU in the moment to pull him up short and let him know that's unnaceptable. It's on you to give him some consequences.. like coming straight home from school.. no hanging out with friends.. or cutting off his wifi etc.. It's your DH's job then to back you up when the kid complains to HIM about the situation. "well buddy, if you weren't acting like a horses behind.. maybe your mom wouldn't have to cut off your wifi? hmm?"
I don't think either of you need to rely on the other person to rip the other person's chilldren a new one for stuff that they didn't witness or know the facts about. Unless it impacts that person directly.. like you find your son has been into your husband's liquor cabinet.. then your husband has a dog in THAT fight. ... even if it's you that catches him doing it.
If your husband is making you the only parent who "parents" that isn't necessarily right.. but maybe you are the more "present" parental entity in the home.. so he expects you to hold his kids to standards.. even when he isn't there?
Sounds like it's time to
Sounds like it's time to clarify expectations. It may be unrealistic to expect that he jump in and parent your kid on your behalf. I understand your frustration with him saying he didn't see it- because the implication is that he does not believe you. But maybe what he meant was it would be awkward for him to jump in and be the one to discipline him for something that he wasn't privy to.
Why would your husband
need to tell off your son when you had already told off your son?
The only kids left at home belong to DH and I together and I don't expect him to jump in when I am in the middle of parenting (and I don't jump in on him). In fact, the few times it has happened I was pretty pissed off. Why would I need him to do that? If your husband had jumped in it wouldn't have done anything other than one, escalate the behavior or two, made the kid tune out.
I actually agree with your husband saying he didn't see it. We are fallible, even as parents and sometime overreact or react incorrectly to what we think is disrespect. It is better for the other adult or parent to jump (if necessary) when they see or hear the negative behavior instead of just jumping in because their partner told them to or expected them to.
My SO will back me up if he
My SO will back me up if he sees it. But it's not his job (or even another bio parent's job) to keep on about it after the incident has already passed. If anything it undermines YOUR authority. My SO will discipline my son. And he has once or twice added stuff on when my BS was being particularly disrespectful to me - which happens in transition after he's been with my ex sometimes. So I'm with your DH on this one.
I've even told off my SO for getting on HIS son's case for something I'd already handled. He heard the tail end of it, but basically OSS did something his dad told him not to do earlier - leave expensive tech on the ground - I saw it, he was being thoughtless rather than disobedient. I told him off and told him to pick it up. He did.