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Which would you do?

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:00am

1. I asked DH several times over the last month about OSS graduation. All I know is that it is on 6/1. DH is a huge non-planner and just assumed people have wide open schedules. I told him I’d stop asking and he’d have to let me know so I could plan and I have things to do. 

2. DS (my bio) is also a senior and just became an alternate to the state tournament. Means there’s a good chance he won’t compete. It’s the only time he’s ever gotten (or will get) that far. It’s a two day affair and overlaps OSSs graduation day. 

 

Which would you go to?

If I don’t go to OSS graduation and DS doesn’t run, then it may look like “I don’t like a skid” (tm) and I used DSs slim chance of competing as an excuse. And there isn’t a graduation party so there’s no extra chance at an OSS event  

If I go to OSS graduation and DS does run, XH will be there but I’ll miss my kid competing at a state level the only time I’d ever get to see it. 

So far I don’t know enough about either to see if I can make it to both. If it comes to choosing, what would you do? (I know where I’m leaning, I’m curious what others think.)

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:16am

I don't see any reason why you should sit in a hot crowd to watch a boring graduation for a stepkid, rather than go to your own kid's possibly important event. Yes, graduation itself is important, but the ceremony isn't. (IMO)  Maybe you can go to your son's meet and then go out to dinner or whatever with OSS.

If you guys had two sons together and one had a meet while the other had graduation you'd have to split up.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:26am

My parents think it’s a big deal so I invited them to DSs graduation from HS since they live close. When I was in college I was done with my exams at least a week before the actual ceremony. I wanted to get going, I could have gotten an extra week in working at a camp.  Nope, the parents had to come to see the ceremony (“cause we paid for it”—-no you didn’t, I had scholarships and loans).

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:18am

I would go see my kid!  For SS the two most important people to him will be there (his parents) everybody else is icning on the cake.

edited to add if DH were in the same position...ahem which he is, he would tell you flat out he want's to go see his son...therefore you should be extended the same courtesy.

 

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:32am

And I can ask DH how he thinks OSS would feel if DH skipped graduation to go see DS. That that’s how DS would feel if I skipped his event to go see OSS. (It usually takes a clear “shoe on the other foot” example to get him to start having empathy instead of just expecting it from others.)

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:28am

Go to your son's event.  Bio kid trumps stepkid.

I would give SS a card, and maybe even have a small BBQ the next day or following weekend.  But there's no way I would pick him over my son.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:37am

is that we’ve known about OSS graduation longer than DSs participation. I am free of that on a technicality: I only know the date and nothing else and had been asking but no one has told me anything so this came up BEFORE I had any firm plan for OSS graduation.

Ill hopefully get the state tourney schedule soon and maybe it’ll be separate enough that this isn’t an issue. 

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 12:27pm

Your husband will come up with plenty of valid points.  None of them should prevent you from doing what your truly want to do.   Your point is also valid.  MOMMA WANTS TO BE THERE TO SUPPORT AND CHEER ON HER SON! Smile

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 1:02pm

That doesn't matter one bit.  The one you know about first does NOT always trump other events.  Your kid comes before the stepkid, period.  I would not even discuss this with DH - there's no decision to be made.  You are going to your son's event.  If he wants to discuss it, point out to him that you are not pressuring him to go to your son's event, so he should extend you the same courtesy.

Chmmy's picture

Submitted by Chmmy on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:49am

Bio. Hands down.

I regret anything ever taking precedence over bios from work to other obligations. I didnt have skids at the time but I have let things take precedence over skids and regret it now.

Bio will always be bio. Will skid always be your skid? With divorce so prevalent in these blended families what a waste of an opportunity to do anything with bio to see a skid graduate. Bio will appreciate you & dad being there. My kids always appreciated their dad being around, him & i getting along and my family still inviting him to every holiday and event we had.

Sounds like DH isnt being cooperative about letting you know whats up. You can acknowledge skid another way. Maybe a family dinner with bio saying you regret having to miss graduation.

 

Chmmy's picture

Submitted by Chmmy on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 11:54am

PS...graduation is like a participation trophy. I mean almost anyone can graduate. Making it to state is an accomplishment!!

My son got a masters degree in engineering and chose to go to a disc golf tournament rather than his own graduation lol

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 12:32pm

Your DS will always be your DS for every.  If you divorced DH you will never see SS again.  Even if you stay married, your relationship with SS can go bad,   Blood always wins out.  If DH can not see this, you have a bigger problem then you think.  You Must, MUST go to your sons event. It’s a once in a life time thing and you DO NOT want to miss it

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 12:54pm

Seems easy to me . . . go to your kid's event.  What message does it send to your own child if you choose your stepchild's graduation over his state meet?  It doesn't matter if he runs or not - he's there, and that in itself is an accomplishment.  Be there to watch his excitement at being there.  For most kids, high school graduation is not an accomplishment.  It's expected.  Going to a state meet is an accomplishment.  Celebrate it!

FWIW, I didn't go to my own high school graduation.  I could not have cared less.  My sister missed her graduation to go to a relative's wedding.  I don't think she gave it a second thought.  

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 1:28pm

OMG - not sure why anyone ever wants to go to graduation ceremonies.  Maybe it's because my high school had over 700 and my colleges many times more.  Hours and hours of utter boredom.  I only went as a graduate when it was mandatory.  

A friend told me she wanted to come to my MBA graduation.  I laughed and said "Sure - but I'm not going."

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 3:33pm

This is a no-brainer - you go to cheer your son!  There should be no doubt in your mind. Youir bio son comes first every, single time.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 4:55pm

1. The second I found out DS would be at the tournament I decided I would go. 

2. DS would very much notice that I did not come and would very much notice if I opted to go to OSSs instead. He does want his parents at things. He says so. He notices. And this is a big thing. 

3. I am not afraid of DH,  but I am thoroughly tired of having to defend myself and my decisions. I am tired of the double standards. But I don’t sit quietly and take it. It’s getting old though.

4. I don’t think OSS will care, or he will understand, unless DH makes it into something and skews it that I don’t care. 

5. OSS not having a party is his decision, not a lack of planning by DH. Though DH is the one sensitive to DS having a bigger social life (and a big group grad party).

6. OSS is going to college. He will launch. I’m not worried about that. They all will. 

7. *I* care about going to see my kid and at the end of the day would not be happy that I missed being there.

 

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Sat, 05/25/2019 - 8:50pm

"Field hockey, and tennis  competitions as  possible. Extended family members attend as well. We make certain that the kids feel saturated and surrounded by love and support"  

LOL I figured you were that kind of parent.   I don't believe in that crap.  Kids then can't even play a simple game or pratice w/out the whole posse their adulating them at every breath they draw and 'you're so magnificent' .  My SD was made this way.  Always demanding whole posses of people adulating and cheering and me me me...

Now she's graduating and I was going to go to it...until she put guilt trips and demands that DH and ALL of us and MIL, etc go to the party lunch her mom was holding...when we've always done seperate events as the relationship was misery for all of us for years.  SD knows this....once those demands came and the multiple texts from BM I said  eff this- now I"m not going to the ceremony either-and especially the lunch.  The lunch we had planned for the following weekend w/us is cxld too.  She needs mounds of people around her every move and breath adulating...not this gal...and we actually get along now.