Reality Check?
Okay, DH's relationship with BM has seemed reasonable, good, even. Good enough it made me a little uncomfortable, actually, but better that than outright hostility, I figured.
BM had her mother call DH's mother, accusing DH of "refusing to support his child."
He pays child support. He pays his half of "mutually agreed upon activities" for his daughter.
"Mutually agreed upon" has always, in the past, meant "BM decided." DH is now saying some choices or compromises need to be made, as his business has been slow, and he cannot afford to just fork over $$ for everything.
BM has had access to our home--she regularly comes inside (often without knocking) when she is picking up SD. She also gave SD10 a cell phone, so SD could call BM while she's with us. SD had an anxiety disorder, feared that someone would break into BM's home and kill her BM while she was with her father/us (issue started well before I moved in.)
Anxiety issues continue, but now, SD's fear is that she "won't be able to fall asleep." The anxiety is no longer tied to her mother. Of course, she still has the phone, and calls her mother often 4 times/day when she's with us.
My thinking is that BM, through both walking in, and the almost continual contact with SD during DH's time with her means that BM is WAY too "involved" in our household. That she sees/knows about everything new that gets purchased, just knows WAY too many details about our lives. And is ASSUMING that DH is spending tons of $$ on his new wife.
Actually, no...most of these things are things *I* am paying for. I choose to spend my money on things for myself, or for our home. I certainly do NOT feel any obligation to spend them on, say, horseback riding lessons for SD. If DH can't afford to pay for them, so be it. I'm not going to pay for them. I'm not going to kick in extra on the mortgage so he can pay for them.
So, firstly, I'm insisting that we change the locks, NOT have a key available for BM (Thanks, Rags, for giving me the gumption to insist on this!) I have asked that BM NOT be allowed in my home, that she wait outside or in her car for SD, if SD isn't ready. DH has agreed to these requests.
I have also asked DH to set some kind of limits on how often SD calls BM when she's with us/him. Calling to check in with her mom at bedtime--no problem! But as it sits now, if we go somewhere, the INSTANT we get back home, she races to the bathroom to call her mom. (Why not her bedroom? I have NO idea...) Finish a meal....off to the bathroom to call her mom. I just think...they can't have THAT much to talk about, so it's going to be the day-to-day "stuff" that gets discussed....and why I think BM just knows WAY too much about what goes on at our house.
So...am I being reasonable? Am I over-reacting? Any down-sides you can think of to any of these changes? Note that I want to limit SD's calls/texts to BM, NOT to eliminate them...
- j-dog's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Her bringing in the "big
Her bringing in the "big guns" -- ha ha mother-to-mother BS to twist DH's arm? How immature and manipulative. That tells you all you need to know about BM. Keep us posted on her reaction when she can't just pop in anymore. Gawd how rude and intrusive!
"BM has had access to our
"BM has had access to our home--she regularly comes inside (often without knocking) when she is picking up SD."
SERIOUSLY??? That would NEVERY fly at my house.....for either side!!! They ring the bell and wait on the porch....every once in a while they will come into the entry way if the kids are wanting to show them something and I don't want to stand with the door open but that's it!
I wouldn't like my own family just walking into my house....sure as HECK not going to let an ex do it!
DH's mother routinely
DH's mother routinely "forgot" my name for the first year we were dating. The first time we went out to dinner, every word out of her mouth was about how wonderful BM is.
I'm NOT holding my breath...but I admit I AM somewhat hoping that my MIL will see BM's true colors now, at least a little bit. Although, MIL refused to go into any detail when she told DH that BM's mom had called her, because she "didn't want to get in the middle." That, sadly, sounds to me like she's just as inclined to take BM's side, than her own son.
What's crappier, though. BM's brother, like BM, works for his (their) parents. He works for very little money (and his parents pay all his expenses) so that.....he can screw over his XW and child on CS!
Real winner of a family, eh?
Boundaries. Get you some.
Boundaries. Get you some. It's a healthy thing for all involved. Especially SD.
I would flip out if BM ever
I would flip out if BM ever just walked right into our home! I think you're on the right track with discussing the things that need to be changed with DH and I'm really glad for you that he agrees with you! There is absolutely no reason BM needs to come inside your house, much less have a KEY.
However, I do think it gets a little touchy if you start telling SD that she can't talk to her mom as often as she does...YES it's very unnecessary and I would feel exactly the same as you do about it. I just don't know how you can insist that they don't speak as much because I think that would start a lot of drama, and if SD really did want to talk to her mom then she really shouldn't be restricted from doing so. Maybe DH can talk to SD about that he'd rather spend time more with her on the nights you have her, than have her run to the bathroom (haha-so strange) to talk on the phone so many times a day, and that she could try just talking to BM once a night? If I were you, I'd stay completely out of that conversation though.
When she got the phone, in
When she got the phone, in the midst of the anxiety about BM's safety issues, per the counselor she was seeing, there were strict limitations on how often she could call her Mom, specific boundaries set on that.
Since she got over the fear issues with that, she's just gradually started calling more and more and more.
So, yeah, it is going to be touchy, and I have NO intention of being involved in the conversation. What I've done, is suggested to DH that maybe there should be some limitations/boundaries there. I've explained what I see happening, and why I think it's a good idea. I've told him that it's up to HIM to think it through and establish what HE thinks is appropriate. That the ONLY stipulation on that that I WILL INSIST ON, is that HE decide, and tell SD how it's going to be, as opposed to AKING HER and letting HER call the shots. If he decides she can call once a day, that's fine with me. If he decides she can call six times a day, that's fine with me. If he decides she can call 3 times a day, and she demands 4 and he caves...I'm NOT okay with that.
It's a tough one, I know. It's just...I know there can't be THAT much to discuss, these are 15 minute talks, not a quick check-in with Mom for her. So I just get creeped out with what I know is a situation where BM gets a detailed picture of everything new in the house, where we go, where or what we eat, what j-dog bought, what j-dog has....
Ummm yeah that would go over
Ummm yeah that would go over like a fart in church at our place!
DH used to go see SD when she was a baby at BM's house. When she got older, they met in a public place i.e. grocery store parking lot, walmart parking lot, post office, etc for the drop off or pick up. I think that BM came her once to drop off SD but that was a last minute visit and she stayed in the car while DH got her out. If that sorry excuse for a human being ever tried to set foot inside, well, it just wouldn't be good lol. But we have a mutual distaste for each other so that would never happen....
I deff don't think you are being unreasonable. Like another poster commented, I as well don't even like it when relatives stop over without knocking. It's just a common courtesy.
I also get why you are irritated by BM getting a play by play of everything going on in your home. By doing that, she is free to make rediculous assumptions and start problems over nothing. Stick to your guns and good luck!
BM's in the house are no
BM's in the house are no good. I always tried to send ss out when we saw her pull up. I thought it was also the courteous thing to do to have him ready when she arrives. I got in trouble for 'putting him out like a dog" so pickups and dropoffs have reverted back to our local convenience store. They were there for many years due to bm's habit of saying stupid stuff to me when she picked ss up. But things got better and we allowed her to pick back up at the home. Obviously a mistake. She did walk into my home once which I had a huge problem with. I was downstairs along with my other kids, and dh ran a block away to pick up my bs from a friend's. SS was upstairs and when she came to the door he opened it up and she stepped inside. I came upstairs a few seconds later in my t-shirt and undies-having just woke up (didnt even know ss was there-thought he had gone with dh)and much to my surprise she's standing there looking at me.
I dont even get why someone would want to come into somebody's house uninvited. In your situation-yes definitely stop letting her into the house. Limit sd's cell phone usage. Period. She's 10, right? She doesn't need to be on the phone that much when she is supposed to be spending time with family. I limit my kids use of phones, texting. I would just have your dh tell bm that he thinks she is on the phone entirely too much and is going to take the phone and put it up while she is there-with the exception of a nightly call or whatever you can agree on. If she doesn't like-she doesn't have to send it at all.
BM never came into our home.
BM never came into our home. I didn't even like her being at my door! I would definately put a stop to that.
We had to put up with the phone issue too. Skids lived out of state so on summer visitation they were to have 2 calls per week with BM. After the calls, the skids went from laughing and happy to upset, crying and defiant. When the cellphones came into play, the older stepdaughter was absolutely ridiculous on calling BM and likewise for BM calling her(younger SD rarely spoke to her on the phone)
IMO,it is really a bad idea for the Sks to have that much contact with the BM on what should be the BD's time with his kids. Too much influence by the BM trying to micromanage the other parent's time.
If you have 50/50 or EOW Custody, there is no reason for contact with the other parent unless it is an emergency.
Custodial BM lives in the
Custodial BM lives in the next town over, so very close by. DH has SD EOWe, and Mondays--picks her up from school, drops her off at school Tuesday morning.
Things are complicated in DH's mind (confused), by the fact that he and I live in what was his and BM's home pre-divorce (house was in his name only, and he kept house after divorce.) Since she lived in that house for 4 or so years, it's not going to be automatically uncomfortable to her to walk through that door. Nor does DH particularly notice when she does, unless I say something ("Why did BM just walk in here this morning when she picked up SD??!!!" "Oh, did she....I guess you're right, she was in the kitchen, wasn't she....")
I totally think that SD's limited time with DH should be time with HIM. Not time spent in the bathroom talking to her mother. And that's just how I feel FOR THEM, completely aside from my personally feeling creepy about BM hearing about every little thing that goes on in our home.