Having trouble figuring it out
SD62 has 2 adult daughters, C and M, and both have 2 kids. Each has reached out individually and want to meet up this summer. M and I talked a few months ago about taking her kids to a children's museum. Last night, C suggested coming over one day, bringing lunch and us sitting on the porch drinking wine and eating lunch.
I'm flattered and grateful that they want to see us. I know they like to see DH who was a witty, fun grandpa to them. C seems to remember the cooky baking sessions and would like for her sons to enjoy it, too.
I can't figure out why I'm reluctant to see them and interact much with their kids. I'm sure part of it relates to my feelings about SD62. Both girls are realistic about SD so it's not like they are being coercive or defensive about her.
I feel guilty. Part of it is I already feel maxed out with mom101 in a nursing home, DH sliding faster into dementia, plus his 2 cancer diagnoses, not to mention my own health issues.
I'm hoping my attitude clears and I can schedule time with both. It is to everyone's advantage for me to keep up my healthy adult-to-adult relationships with them. The time will come when SD62's situation blows up.
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I feel that same way about
I feel that same way about most people these days, even my own more distant relatives. It's like they are fine and all... we get along... I like (and in some cases love) them and want to stay in touch ... but I just don't have the desire to actually visit with them.
I just want quiet, peaceful days with my small circle.
Yes
That is exactly how I feel. Thanks, I'm glad I'm not the only one.
No, Hon, you are absolutely
No, Hon, you are absolutely not the only one. I'll be 80 this year and have reached the point where I dread company. My daughter, SIL and grandson were here last weekend for a lavish brunch and I must confess that by the time they left, after about 8 hours, my husband and I were both exhausted.
These days, I much prefer to communicate with my friends and relatives via email.
It must be normal
It must be normal at our age. My parents and grandparents must have felt the same. Who knew.
Im 20 behind you. However, I
Im 20 behind you. However, I enjoy visitors. Though I am a fan of outsourcing anything and everything possible. Any lavish brunching in my world will be catered or at an appropriate business establishment.
I basically don't like people enough to make a mess, create culinary magic, serve it, then clean it up.
I wish my mom (your peer. She will be 80 this year) would adopt the Rags (her eldest son's model). Rags1 (dad) has been trying to get her on board for decades. But noooooo. Culinary magic, quilting masterpieces, and full frontal spoil the hell out of everyone is mom's love language. Fortunately, we have convinced her to tolerate the outsourcing of her digging in the dirt (gardening) addiction. Dad engages a special needs young man to do all of mom's beds, pots, and related projects. Of course mom is usually out rolling in the dirt playing in teh leaves, plants, seeds with him. But mostly she directs the execution of her vision. Dad has done the yard, etc.. with his cell phone since they built their home 25yrs ago. That irks mom to no end, but... dad hates yard work. They win the HOA yard of the month/year periodically and dad just gloats while mom is chasing him around with a garden trowel since he does no yard work at all. Dad's lawn service does a great job.
It may be because you are
It may be because you are wondering what they actually want. If this is out of character, there's a reason.
Don't think they want anything
The only thing they seem to want is attention to their kids. I get it. Gotta work up some energy and enthusiasm
JRI,
JRI,
The residual issues can stick to the progeny of the toxic and make those interfaces less than appealing. Even when the next gen is not particularly unappealing.
Deep breaths, work the situation to your comfort level.
Be kind to yourself.
I'm working on it
I wonder if this would be happening if BM were alive. There's a shortage of grandmas in both their situations.
What are the grandbabies getting out of the situation?
What do you have to offer them?
What I have to offer
C's 10 and 8 yo boys: interaction with DH. On a good day, he's hilarious, unforgettable. Perhaps a trip to the Children's Museum. She seems to just want to hang out, says we are not getting any younger. Misses her grandma, BM, probably wants a grandma's sttention to her kids.
M:s 3 yo and 1 yo: trip to children's museum. DH is at odds with her over assistance to SD62 so maybe it would be a time to communicate.
Follow your gut, JRI
Trust your gut instinct; it will never lead you astray. Your intuition is a powerful guide that always has your best interests at heart. Listen to it, and you'll find it steering you in the right direction, even when logic or others might suggest otherwise. Your inner voice is your most reliable ally in navigating life's complexities and making decisions that align with your true self. Embrace it with confidence and let it guide you confidently forward.
Thanks
Wise words.
I Completely Understand
They are "attached" to a person who caused you much pain and grief in life. Even before my disengagement, I really didn't care to be around anyone associated with DHs kids. Not that they were bad people...it was just that "attachment."
Take care of you. That's about all I have, JRI. I wish I had more...you are such a asset to the board and my own life...I wish you nothing but peace. hugs.
You're right
The girls are fine, it's their attachment to SD62.
I don't know if it's age. I
I don't know if it's age. I think it may be stress. You have a lot on your plate. You're looking after your husband who has dementia and other health issues. Your mom is 101 and even living in a nursing home you are still looking after her well-being. You have your own health problems and your SD sounds exhausting. You may be disengaged as much as you can be from her, but she still impacts your life. Your feelings may have nothing to do with M and C or their kids. I get it.
I'm 48 and am dreading a family get together coming up myself. Kinda want to hide from people. I think in my case it's a combination of stress about things going on here at home and don't really want to be around some of them.
Yes to the stress
I never understood before but the caretaker role is more than appts, making sure he takes his prescriptions and making sure he eats regularly and healthily. It's the house, I'm now responsible for every single thing. Over our life together, DH86 definitely did his share. He even learned, as a "50s dad" how to do laundry tho we had many pink loads when he didn't sort the reds out. Lol. Now all laundry, cleaning, everything is on me to do or have someone do. All he does now is take the trash cans out and bring them in weekly. He does go grocery shopping with me but doesn't do much though he helps carry bags out
All the finances, including SD62's subsidy, are on me plus all Mom's finances. Mom's isn't just writing checks, it's making serious decisions (with the finance guy) so that her money outlasts her, or at least til she passes. And there are the twice daily calls, the twice weekly visits and her shopping (mostly wine). Lol
Sorry to whine on at length but it's a lot.
Lol. The pink loads. I solved that problem.
I have no whites. My DW insists on sneaking in a couple of white undershirts and an occassional pair of white boxer/briefs for me. Those are the last things in the skvvy drawer and is my "do your damned laundry" call to action.
Everything else goes into unsorted loads. Very view things go on a drying rack. Everything else goes in the drier.
Color fast and color safe bleach,free and clear detergent pods and free and clear softener. End of laundry for a month or so. Fold, and put them in the proper drawers..... eventually.
My DW will call out for jeans when she is doing hers. I stow away on her jean loads.
Everything else, work clothes, etc... goes to the cleaners for laundering, starch, press, and dry cleaning where applicable.
Guys are easy. I've worn the same things for countless decades. My only occassional trend buy is shoes. Most recengly, blue suede dress shoes.
We trade off based on work load regarding house stuff, cooking, etc.. .though I do most of the cooking and kitchen cleaning. She has always done the bills. I have tried, she grows fangs when I encroach on her bill stuff. She reviews it all with me, but... I am only allowed to pay my Rx and Doc bills via credit card. She does all of the rest of the bill paying. We tag team or colab on the house cleaning. I clean my bathroom, she cleans hers. We trade off on killing the dust bunnies/grow balls and the vacuuming.
I do not want to be a burden to her when I am in my mid 80s and she is in her early 70s. But, more likely than not, that will happen at some point.
Unless I can find an extremely interesting way to go out leaving her an AARP cougar.
Giving DH credit
DH did his part. He had never done a load of laundry when we got together but with 5 kids and a low metabolism wife, he did it. He also took all 5 kids out of the house at least one full day every single weekend in the years before the SKs moved in. He worked a high stress job and, in 40 years, was only absent one day because he was in the hospital with a kidney stone. Every week, he handed me the paycheck and never asked one question. Whenever something broke in the house, it was either fixed or replaced THAT DAY. I, and the kids once they turned 16, always had a functioning car sitting in the driveway.
So, you can see why I'm having some stress. Lol.
I can see why you are having
I can see why you are having some stress.
Be good to yourself in all of this.
I get it. Having visitors,
I get it. Having visitors, even friendly ones, is more work for you. Just "hanging out" still means having snacks and drinks and scheduling time.
Wouldn't it be great if they brought all the food? Cooked a meal and put up leftovers? Handled some of the chores you'd be willing to offload? Took DH out so you could have some time to yourself?
You know the situation with my worthless skids. If they ever visit again I think I'll have to say hello then leave town. No way do I spend energy on them
I think it's lovely that
I think it's lovely that these adult women remember you fondly and want to be part of your life but I am also very aware of how difficult it is to deal with aging loved ones and a family memeber with dementia.. it can be all consuming and sometimes you just don't feel you have enough "you" to go around.. and the emotional weight can make things overwhelming.. or at least just keep your head down.. and you can't lift it up to look around or you would go crazy lol.
I much prefer the idea that C had of her bringing lunch and wine for a visit on the porch.. that sounds a lot less work TBH.. an outing with kids can be stressful.. and probably requires more organization with your DH's issues.
I can also get that you want to do it.. but that it seems daunting.
I would suggest maybe trying to preplan this so that it is the least amount of stress.
Accept the offer of the delivered lunch... and suggest to the other daughter that she do something similar.. that it's just hard for you to make plans to go out for an afternoon.. don't do it at the same time.. but over the summer.. you hopefully could find a day for each of them.
As far as the cookies go.. instead of the "baking cookies"... how about just decorating some sugar cookies.. prebought or prebaked.. you buy a small selection of icings and sprinkles and the kids can decorate a dozen to take home.. a little less daunting than a whole baking session. I don't know if your DH would be up for participating with the grandkids in something like this.. might be a fun memory.
if you don't want to do these things.. I'm sure you can also find ways to be busy and unavailable.. while still maintaining contact by phone/email/facebook etc... and that's an ok choice too.
Free meal.
You know SK have to visit. Just drink a lot.
LOL
I'm laughing, Harry, you're right!
Empathy Burnout?
You might be burned out, and young kids are WORK!
Definitely
Definitely burned out from kids.
Is there any way some of
Is there any way some of these kids/grandkids could help you? Maybe the yard? Some of the housework? Or, would they be able to help hire someone, say a yard guy 2 times per month in the summer, or a house cleaner every month? Just to take care of the basic stuff?
Family help
OSS is handling all the yardwork and my little emergencies, changing a ceiling lightbulb, moving a piece of furniture, etc. DH86 and I agree we need household help. My idea: professional cleaning lady. His idea: SD62 so that he can direct more $ to her. I don't want her cuz 1) unreliable, 2) theft, 3 ) I'm not giving her one more cent than we already dole out for her housing.
I've had cleaning ladies in the past and I can deal with the occasional sick day or reschedule. I want somebody on a regular schedule with a list of xyz they do each time for a specific amount of $. We've tried with SD62 before; one good day then we don't hear from her and can't contact her for weeks, then next time, she looks like she's about to collapse as she walks in. In short, DH86 and I don't agree on how to achieve what we both want.
4. To clean it, she has to come to and enter your home.
She should have zero access to your home. period. dot.
I kind of get this family
I kind of get this family frustration.
My inlaws have 2 sons and 5 grandchildren that are all adults and all but one live in the area and are married. My FIL is in his late 80's and his ability to do things like mow his lawn etc.. are gone. My MIL is in ok health.. but she can't handle all of it.. so I strongly suggested to my YSD that she should try to get the grandkids involved to help them.
All of these grandkids were partially raised by my inlaws. To this day.. my MIL provides free babysitting.. she also has the kids and their children over for meals that she prepares and pays for a few times a week. One grandson's wife goes to their house daily to eat lunch (on their dime)... as does my YSD. Yet.. all these kids have managed to do so far is one fall clean up day.. now my YSD helps them from time to time with things.. and her cousin helps a little with things like ordering for them from amazon.. but mostly these adults are in "granny will provide mode.".
The only person who ends up doing things for them is my husband.. and he just doesn't always have time to do things on their timetable.. (mil is very difficult to get along with for my DH..lol).
Finally.. we found someone to handle all their yardwork.. and we strong armed his brother to split the cost 3 ways.. us, brother and my inlaws.
Last week, we were asked to get the cover off their pool so they could open it for the summer.. a hot and gross algae filled job. My Mil is talking about how she wants to get it done because my OSD's boys come over and they need to be able to use it.
I pointed out that my very healthy and strong OSD of 30 years of age and her lineman husband could have been there helping with this project since it would benefit her.. oh.. MIL gets all huffy like I suggested drowning bunnies. all defensive.. that well.. it's because her boys are so active.. that's why we need the pool open. (kids are semi feral.. lol).
It's like we get asked.. while MIL micromanages and irritates my DH.. and we get zero benefit.. the grandkids get fed and pool days and all sorts of things with zero expectations.. ugh.
I also vote no point in asking family to do these things.. they will not be reliable.. you need help.. not a project.
Sounds familiat
Of the 4 kids who live in town, all of them will help if we ask. But OSS is the only one helping on a regular basis.
How do you keep a straight face
While MIL is asking for these things to benefit not you?