Memories
We raised 5 kids in our blended family. I'm still not over the trauma. We went thru everything imaginable and we are lucky everyone is alive and doing their thing. Many of those events are seared in my mind.
OSS58 was here this weekend to help clean up after storm damage. He came inside afterwards. At one point, he said something about us all living here. Then he said, " I don't remember much about it." WHAT??? He was here about half the time from age 9 to 13 when he moved in full-time. He left at 18.
After I got over the shock, I thought, maybe that's a positive sign. There are things I dont remember, either. I'm not sure how the other 4 recall things.
So, all you step-parents out there, I know you agonize over events and your decisions. I know we did. I sometimes thought the divorces and traumatic blended family experience would scar them forever. Maybe for some kids, the memories mellow out over time and it's just a period in their lives that isn't as prominent as their later memories.
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The formative years are
The formative years are important but they fade. I found I appreciate my parents more over time. My husband wants less and less to do with his. One little thing when they're little doesn't determine the trajectory of your relationship, it's all the little things over time.
I don't expect us to hear from SD much at all when she's an adult. I hope I can raise our DDs so they are able to launch but want to see us a few times a year and speak to us frequently.
Contact frequency
Our 5 are all different. SD59 is in almost daily contact with DH, often for money but the rest of the time just to vent because nobody else will talk to her. OSS calls occasionally, perhaps once a month or every 2 months but shows up when we need help. DS lives out of town. He emails me at least weekly and occasionally calls DH. DD lives in town. We email occasionally. Shes an introvert, like me, we both understand each other. YSS lives out of town. He calls DH once every couple weeks.
I've definately had times
I've definately had times where I feel that I've scewed up completely and been worried that I have caused irrepairable damage. A couple months back, I felt so bad that one night I contemplated moving out and living separately from my husband and SD so that I woundn't screw her up any more. I was looking up rents and planning budgets. The next day I could see more clearly that we could get through this but those late night fears are real. To be honest now the details of the argument are sketchy to me already...it was probably something to do with homework.
Your words are a good reminder that we have good times too and my SD won't be a teen forever.
Thanks for sharing your hard won wisdom JRI.
Morning after
You are right. How often I think, think, think, worry, worry, worry about something then later can't recall the details. Last week, I had 3 pressing situations. I was so stressed out, I made a 3-column list, writing down steps about each. Flash forward and now I can remember what 2 of the situations were, can't even recall the other. Now, on to the next emergency! Lol.
Trauma, even minor, and time
Trauma, even minor, and time will do a lot to suppress memory. Not step-related but I just had a high school reunion over the weekend. I honestly can't remember if I bullied people, if I was bullied, conversations I had with folks, what I thought about them, etc. Sure, certain things still stick out, but not all. The first two years of high school, I went to a fundie-lite church that messed up my brain box quite a bit. The last year, I was dating my XH and fell into his bad habits. The likelihood that I was an a-hole is high (I've retained some of those memories), but years being told by the church I wasn't good enough followed by years of my XH telling me I wasn't good enough have really squashed a lot of what I remember (and when I do remember and the feelings bubble to the surface, I have anxiety attacks - FUN!).
ANYWAY, I say this to say that young brains will do a lot to shield from drama in memories. However, I bet if your OSS were faced with a similar situation as that, his body will react before OSS even knows why he's reacting. The body is amazing at protecting us long-term, but it can only do so much. And sometimes, when you're trying to grow and be a better person, there is a hindrance there because you can't fully access what made you feel/be awful to begin with.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry, Lt, that you went thru all that. The upside is the wise, mature person you are now.
I guess my post sounds way
I guess my post sounds way more "woe is me" than I intended. What I was trying to say is that doesn't take much for young brains to forget things that happen that adult brains will latch on to because adult brains have trained themselves to deal with certain things better. Plus, young brains may not even realize something was as awful or bad as it was realize was until later (if they even remember) because they don't have the life experience yet to tell them that it's abnormal, especially if it's things that weren't overtly traumatizing like being physically abused.
There are things my parents remember about how they each treated us as kids and how wrong it was that the other behaved that way that I just don't remember. I am sure there are things DH and I remember/know about ET as a parent that we think will impact the boys forever that they'll forget. Whether it's their brain protecting them or them just not having enough context to think to store something into long-term memory, I don't know. But the recollection of something as a COD versus as a SP is wildly different.
Fading memories
The more time that passes after disengagement the more peace I feel and the less I ruminate on the lack of relationship with Bratty. Blogging it out did help organize the thoughts and now that they are I expect they'll fade away over the next few years. I'll need to remember why I need strong boundaries with Bratty though so things don't fall back to where they were.
From my own childhood I know the memories do fade. I would expect in 10 years Bratty won't even remember why we don't get along. Who knows by then maybe I can tolerate her more.
You are right
You're right, Caninelover, the blogging has helped me put it all to rest, too.
kid time vs Adult Time
Perhaps part of the kid resilience is that they forget things they dont like.
I know that SD15 and SD22 would always confound me with their "clean slate syndrome" whereby things of a completely high drama nature would happen, then be forgetten and everyone acts like it didnt happen the next day. Like when Toxic Troll slapped and choked Feral Forger. Or when Feral Forger screamed names and eff yous at me...
Sd15 Backstabber/Munchkin cannot recall what happened to Feral Forgers hand. Cannot recall if its her thumb or hand, and cannot remember if its broken or sprained or for how long, I bring up things in the past and she has no recollection of them.
But she certainly gets triggered by things!!!
Uh huh
I go thru that with SD59, no memory of times she has hurt people but high sensitivity and total recall of times she felt she was wronged.
We had an interesting event with her today. Her car insurance has been charged to me monthly with her reimbursing me ( mostly, unless she " forgets" or miscounts). In June, I was charged for exactly 4 months. I called her, suggested she call the insurance co to find out what happened. She hates that stuff, I know, but so do we all. Well, since June, we have heard every excuse and explanation possible. The one good thing was that she now has it charged to her account instead of mine but how about that 4 month chunk Ive paid for? More explanations and excuses. In keeping with the Steptalk credo of disengagement, I said, we will go to their office and sit down and explain so they can correct their " mistake". That trip was scheduled for today at 10.
DH got a call from her about 9, no need to go, she's got it all ironed out. She came over, handed me most of the $ and suddenly had remembered that she put her daughter on it about that time. Uh huh. I know shes a liar and thief so nothing surprises me. I'm just glad I stayed disengaged and didn't get into an upset with DH over it. When it came time to be confronted with the facts at the insurance company, she fessed up. "Memory problems".
Oh yes - the selective memory
Oh yes - the selective memory. I've also noticed how, when skids act up or do something wrong and refuse to apologise for it - they hope that in time, we will forget. Sometimes we do, depending on the act - if it was done on purpose and hurtful, then no, we don't forget - forgive maybe, but not forget. Meditation has helped and also learning to "let go" however, sometimes the hurt cuts deep.
At least you can see their true colors and stay on your guard. God, I still can't believe your SD59 still harrasses your DH - will she ever grow up (that would be a NO). She sounds like a bloody nightmare.
Ms.Nightmare
You're right, she is a nightmare and believe it or not, I'm soft pedaling it on Steptalk.
That forgiveness thing - I think the bio parent forgives much more easily. I know my DH is disappointed that I can't forgive and forget everything.