You are here

snowflakes, spending and learning to say "no"

Just54321's picture

Submitted by Just54321 on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 11:26am

I know all the SM's on here have used the phrase "Special Snowflake" for so long it had got me thinking did that woman who recently wrote the "Snowflake Generation" article originate on Steptalk?? It was so spot on!!

I am the SM who's BM died on Mothers day and now SD15 and SS16 are moving away from home state to ours this summer permanently. Since everything went down skids now come to us every weekend and DH is just starting to get the taste and scope of what its going to be like to have a teen SD.

They are awful creatures!! I was no angel when I was a teen and remember it well. I keep telling DH it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. The biggest issue is BM never said NO. To anything. You want fast food for dinner? Sure lets hit the drive thru! What is that you say? You need ANOTHER eye shadow? Sure...lets go to CVS....what? you ordered pizza and are taking the whole box up to your bedroom where it will sit for 6 weeks. No Problem!!

DH is floored by the frequency SD asks for money for nonsense. Of course we are happy to supply her with everything she needs, we just dont think at 15 you need to run off and get your hair and nails done all the time. Nor do you need yet another bottle of face moisturizer. And oh yeah...that last 2 inches of shampoo you're too lazy to figure out how to get out of the bottle and just want to toss for a new one? lemme show you what happens if you turn the bottle UPSIDE down!! I know, magic!!

So ladies...how do we bring said child back down to earth? She's pretty much too young to get a job in our area and we have told her when she moves here there will be plenty of chores to do if she wants to earn money to buy crap....but its the total sense of entitlement we don't know how to address. Both skids truly think they can just ask for money whenever for whatever they want. They have never had to earn ANYTHING. DH and I bring lunch to work, use coupons, save for big purchases. Living within our means is standard in our home and yes, after a few years with us we hope they start to live that way too but I dont even know where we start. Do we just say no? Do we have a talk with them and explain that we don't spend on non necessities every other day?

Comments

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 12:50pm

I think you get your standard response ready, something like, "Nope, in this house we earn our money." Or, "Nope, in this house food doesn't leave the kitchen or dining room."

And you don't expect the asking to stop.

Success isn't about them stopping asking for all this BS. Success is you guys saying NO every time.

Just54321's picture

Submitted by Just54321 on Mon, 06/20/2016 - 11:14am

Clever- Money isn't the issue. DH and I both have good incomes, and yes there is no more CS to the tune of 1500 back in our pockets and yes we have filed for SS benefits for the skids...But why would we want to perpetuate the idea that everything should be handed to them? We want the kids to learn to earn things and value something because they worked for it.
Trust me, when they are old enough they will have money coming to them from the death of BM and this is our ONLY shot at instilling some fiscal responsibility into them in the hopes that they dont just piss it away.

Teas83's picture

Submitted by Teas83 on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 4:12pm

Hey, I was raised this way and I'm not 35 yet. Smile I guess my parents were part of a dying generation. I know a lot of my friends weren't raised as strictly as I was.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 3:05pm

Sit down and have a family meeting. Schedule them regularly and everyone brings up the topics that they want to talk about.

Teenagers usually feel like no one listens to them or takes them seriously. So if you include them in the decision making it's easier for them to follow the rules. You still make the rules, but they understand why there are rules and why it's important to have them.

I think this will be important for the family in more than a financial sense. There are going to be a lot of hurtles to get over in this first year.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 7:01pm

I first saw the term snowflake at least 15 years ago - most likely on the Disboards (a Disney forum).

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Fri, 06/17/2016 - 10:24pm

I suspect as BM was so ill for so long this became their way of being 'happy'. And now they equate 'happy' with spending money. Is it right? No. But it is understandable and really quite sad.

Schedule a monthly meeting. Lay out how much things cost and where the money goes. Explain how you are saving for later. I wouldn't say 'old age' because only a month ago they lost their mother. Recognise their loss but structure it in a way that is productive. Maybe they want to plant a tree in her memory. Maybe they will work to sponsor a cage at a local animal shelter. Direct them to do something memorable and honorable in her name rather than spend spend spend because mom did it.

SD wants makeup? Suggest you get her one of those monthly makeup sample boxes and in return she is responsible for a, b & c.

Did BM have life insurance? Are they under some idea they will get any money for their own use?

I would tread carefully though. And maybe make the date memorable for them rather than Mothers Day which changes dattes every year.