Just married my husband in September, but we've lived together for 2 years and together a total of 3. He has 3 kids 15,13,and 9, and I have one 9 year old. We have custody of all but his oldest who decided life with us was too hard this summer after he was supposed to dig a couple of post holes,that night he ran away to his moms and has lived there now for 4 months.
It has been a struggle adapting to being a mom of 4 from a mom of 1, especially because I unfortunately have pretty much no tolerance or patience (I admit this but am not proud of it) so the adjustment period was like a daily root canal, just never ending frustration and it exposed nerves raw and bleeding. We had real issues with my step son who was 11 at the time. He was the most attached to his mother, so me moving in was really hard on him and he acted like an ass hole a lot, I wasn't necessarily any more mature bc like I said #1 I have no patience #2 I had no idea how to deal. We eventually developed a relationship after spending one on one time together working in the garden 2 summers ago and now we have a pretty great relationship, much more natural and mother-son like.

The kids have to deal with their real moms issues every other weekend when they stay with her. She is poisonous in just about every aspect of their lives. She spends most of their time together on her phone, sleeping or at "work" and when she is spending time with them she is constantly badgering them to run away like their brother did, and come live with her, or talking crap about their dad and me. It is infuriating that she is so immature and selfish. The kids have even told us they don't really like going over there anymore, but feel like they have to so she doesn't get mad at them or have to hurt her feelings. We talked to a lawyer today that said we had to follow the paper work and let them continue spending every other weekend with her. I told my husband I didn't give a shit, that we needed to do what was best for the kids and if she decides to call the police we'd cross that bridge when we got there, I really don't feel like she will put in the effort to do anything about it anyways.

His 9 year old daughter told us a few weeks ago that her and her brother (the 13 y.o) will try to talk to their mom or show her something while shes on her phone and they have to say mom about 10 times before she will look away and pay attention to them and when she finally does shes annoyed at them. That was my breaking point, I told my husband we needed to stop letting them go, but he hesitates. Then we had a parent teacher conference with her teachers today, and they told us that every other week she becomes sad and withdrawn, that she has told them that her mom doesnt really care about them or want them around. They say shes depressed and are setting her up with a counselor. Shes unable to focus on her work and pay attention bc shes depressed and upset about her situation with her mom and I am sure shes upset about mine and her relationship as well. We are just so different her and I. She is very slow, uncommunicative and spacey, so there is a major disconnect between us, and it seems to me to be a serious personality conflict. I HAVE TO BE A BETTER MOM for her. I am failing her bc she just drives me nuts, I am so opposite, I express my feelings all the time, I talk about whats going on and what I think, I use my common sense and I do most things at a pretty fast pace. She literally has NO common sense (and yes I know we are talking about a 9 years old) but even 9 year old's have SOME common sense, she really has close to none. Its like she doesn't think or pay attention, and she is very forgetful, even her teachers have pointed this out. She just looks at you when your talking, explaining or scolding her like a deer in the headlights, the lights are on but NO ONES HOME! I just want to scream "PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS" or "WAKE THE HELL UP' but she just looks at you like your speaking a foreign language. Now I am seriously distressed bc the teachers are saying some of this may be due to depression, and I am over here making it worse!!! FUUUUCK!!!!!!!

I am a terrible person, how can I change? I want to be that hallmark movie stepmom, I want to like her, I care about her and her well being but, like her?? No not really... sometimes, when its just me and her for some reason it seems easier to get along with her, probably bc she doesn't know where she fits into our family unit as a whole. And that's my fault, I have been "freezing her out" not really on purpose but the less I interact with her the less chance I have of being annoyed by her and losing my temper and feeling like a raging volcano inside that can't let explode. I have to change now, I have to fill in this gap her mother (... and I Sad ) have created.I take full responsibility for being the evil stepmom, even tho it hasn't always been this way between us, somehow it became this way, and I want to change, I want to be better. For her and for our relationship.