Applying Principles learned in Fascinating Womanhood to my situation with Stepdaughter
I read the book Fascinating Womanhood a few years ago and put a lot of it in practice with my previous marriage. Things greatly improved, but my ex had some mental issues so our marriage ended anyway. I really did change, though, since a lot of the principles in the book I brought with me when I met my new husband... I rarely ever nag, I appreciate him for who he is, I openly respect and admire him, I mostly follow his lead in our marriage, etc. I think this is why he ended up marrying me when he was such a slippery, sought-after, mega-confirmed bachelor. Shock waves went through our small town when he got married lol.
Anyway, since I've been having problems with my stepdaughter and resenting her so much for the problems she and BM have caused, I feel like I've stopped doing a lot of the things I had learned through Fascinating Womanhood. So I am re-reading it.
The book was written in 1963 and obviously has nothing to say about stepchildren, but still I am wondering...
What if I were to figure out how to put into action those principles I have learned to help me deal with the problems I have with my stepdaughter? Would he then care more about how I felt and take stronger action against her manipulative behavior?
A few days ago, BM wrote some really nasty stuff about me on Facebook. Instead of responding on my own Facebook like I normally would, I just handed my phone to my husband and let him read what she and some others had written. He was furious and posted a very pointed message of his own for her to read. I didn't have to do a thing.
It seems the more I complain about my SD12, the more he feels the need to protect her. What if he could be made to realize I am actually the one who is being terrorized? Would that change his behavior toward her?
So I am working on shining up my halo and keeping a smile on my face. I have a new blog where I can vent (http://alittlestepmamadrama.blogspot.com/) and I have sisters and female friends who will listen to me. So I am determined to keep a positive attitude toward SD12 where my husband is concerned. We will see how things turn out.
Has anyone else tried anything like this?
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Comments
I'll admit that I haven't
I'll admit that I haven't read it. I did read "Stepmonster," though.
I don't know if you should do what the book you suggested recommends. If she were an adult it'd be different. But she's not. She's a child. You should read "Stepmonster" and do what the author recommends.
And if you want sd to change her behavior, you should start with your dh. How he handles her directly relates to how she behaves. Instead of resenting her, a child, so much, put some of that heat on him, an adult. Maybe when he feels some of the heat he'll start changing how he handles her. Starting with her dislike of you. He needs to buy her a diary and tell her what it's for. He needs to get her counseling. You say in your blog that originally, he wouldn't tolerate any disrespectful comments from her about you. That's fine, but nobody should harbor such strong feelings of resentment until they explode. He needs to help her learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.
Anon, that's just the thing.
Anon, that's just the thing. He will NOT deal with her behavior as long as he feels like he has to protect her from me (or anybody else). He is blind to her misbehavior or simply ignores it, but he does not deal with it. I feel like I need to lessen those protective feelings so he can see the misbehavior.
I have read "Stepmonster" and found it to be very helpful, but it did not help my marriage. I think going back to the way we were in the beginning will help my marriage. I'm not sure why helping my marriage would be different if she was an adult? I think strengthening my marriage will be good for all of us, regardless of her age.
From what I understand from researching the subject, there is little a stepmother can do to stop her stepkids from resenting her. Most of the factors that cause the resentment are beyond our control. I refuse to be a punching bag for a 12 year old girl. I will not be her target or victim. And I will not sit back and let her destroy my marriage.
So I guess I'm not understanding the problem you have with this.
I don't have a problem with
I don't have a problem with this, but I do think your husband is more the problem than she is.
"I feel like I need to lessen those protective feelings so he can see the misbehavior."
He should be able to see it on his own. If he can't, or won't, then that's a huge problem.
I have also read "The
I have also read "The Surrendered Wife" and many others like it:-) As you mentioned, I need to review and re-align my attitude. I have kind of been going back to those principles the past couple of days and I can already see a dramatic difference in the level of closeness in my marriage.
We had a little problem earlier with SD12. She had called my DD20 and asked to go to our house to visit HER (hubby and I are out of town for Thanksgiving but DD stayed home and is cooking for her boyfriend, brothers, and their families.) My daughter told her she is too busy cooking today and getting ready for Thanksgiving. This is DD's first Thanksgiving dinner so she is stressing it. So she told SD12 she couldn't come over.
SD12 then called my husband and asked HIM if she could go over there...grrrr. She has a problem with trying to "go over my head" so now I guess she's trying to do the same to my daughter.
Instead of becoming upset or bitching about it, I very mildly told my husband that my daughter had already talked to SD12 about this and told her no and why. I told him my daughter was actually worried he would be upset with her but she is so very stressed she didn't want to add another thing to it. DH totally understood and called SD12 back and told her NO in no uncertain terms, that she may NOT go to our house as my daughter has already told her.
He did not go far enough, IMO, and reprimand her for trying to circumvent what she had already been told by an adult, but I kept my mouth shut and my halo in place. I was very proud of myself
This evening my husband is very affectionate and has been worrying over me driving in the snow, etc. Very sweet and protective like he used to be.
I think the Surrendered Wife thing is working out well so far.