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sooo frustrated with BM and SD

keepthefaith313's picture

Submitted by keepthefaith313 on Wed, 03/05/2014 - 10:41am

this may be a long post so thank for reading

okay so a couple of weekends ago FDH had a business trip to go on in another state BM insisted and was a mega pain in the ass about taking SD10 because SD10 has only been to Jamaica in her life. so while FDH was working guess who got to be baby sitter! It wasn't bad spending time with her but I just was waiting to hear how awful I was once she got home to BM. That thankfully did not happen but SD still insists she HATES me also exact words from bm "she does not like her personality" is it just me or is that a line that would come from a 10 year old?! Also, could this kid really fake having fun with me for an entire weekend?? I think BM gave herself away long ago when SO and I first started dating SD really liked me then BM kept saying what are you gonna do if SD hates her (me) and all of a sudden she does? PAS on the step parent? is this really what my life has come to being manipulated by a 10 year old?

its all just so dirty. BM used to get a lot of extras before I came into the picture. about $10,000 of extras plus child support plus paid activities plus a lot of free babysitting and rides everywhere because BM has a 9th grade education, 7 kids, and no license or car. Yet, some how by magic maybe thinks she is better than everyone else because shes going into a bikini contest. I really just wish this bikini contest would keep her off SO back but no shes even bitchier which I cant blame her if I wasn't eating and had to deal with that many kids id probably be a bitch too. Anyway, since I have been in the picture its strictly by the CO no extra $$$. I just thank my lucky stars everyday that he only has one kid with her.

thanks for the vent!

Comments

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Submitted by attempting_to_m... on Wed, 03/05/2014 - 11:37am

>>>>BM used to get a lot of extras before I came into the picture.<<<<

That's why BM hates you. Plain and simple, because life was a breeze for her before you came into the picture. So she's trying to exert her power and show that she is still in control. And she's doing it by turning your SD against you. She's probably pulling all the same tricks they all pull, too.

I've been there, still kind of am. FDH changed for the better after he met me because he grew tired of being GUBM's doormat. GUBM immediately assumed that I changed him (because I'm that powerful??) and hated me more than she had before (because I didn't want to be her BFFL, she decided I was trouble). She PAS'd SD against me, and it worked. SD refused to visit FDH, blocked his number on her phone, and was considering cutting him out of her life all together if he went through with our wedding. But now, for some reason, SD pulled her head out of GUBM's backside *shrug*.

And the PAS worked because SD figured out that GUBM was happy when she had a bad time with us, so she grew to make things up, tell GUBM only the bad things and embellish them to make me sound wretched and awful. GUBM still pushes that with SD, but SD pushes back now and refuses to play along for the most part. But, GUBM still hates me because I apparently ruined her life - it certainly wasn't GUBM breaking up with and kicking FDH, her personal doormat and enabler, out lol.

Cadence's picture

Submitted by Cadence on Wed, 03/05/2014 - 12:54pm

Who cares what BM thinks about SD and where she's traveled? If she's concerned, she can fund a vacation for her, not order the two of you to take SD somewhere. I can't believe you guys allowed that. BM has no say about your household and lives. You allowed her to overstep boundaries and ended up empowering her.

Secondly, who cares what SD thinks about your personality? I understand being upset that BM can impact SD that way, but it's the reality of the situation. You can be the best person that you can be, and you'll still be pushed into the evil stepmother role. It's simply a hazard of the business. You have to understand that this is about what you represent (a loss of control for BM, who is exercising her last source of control: influencing her daughter to dislike you) and not about YOU.

Combat the PAS as best as you can. And start living by "liking me is optional, respecting me is mandatory" when it comes to SD. Get DH on board with that, and any time SD treats you badly he needs to step in and discipline her. Anything less and you will allow SD and BM to rip you and DH apart.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

Submitted by attempting_to_m... on Wed, 03/05/2014 - 1:54pm

>>>>Combat the PAS as best as you can. And start living by "liking me is optional, respecting me is mandatory" when it comes to SD. Get DH on board with that, and any time SD treats you badly he needs to step in and discipline her. Anything less and you will allow SD and BM to rip you and DH apart.<<<<

YES! THIS! This is an important thing I left out of my reply. FDH and I did and do this. He handles it swiftly when SD is rude towards me (90% of the time).

I also told SD point blank in August that she doesn't ever have to like me, that she can hate me till the day she dies. But, that she is welcome in our house as long as she can learn to accept the fact that I'm in FDH's life and treat me with respect, just as I have accepted that she is in his life and have treated her with respect. Her hatred of me does not have to end her relationship with her dad. "Go ahead, hate me all you want, SD, because I'm not going anywhere, just as I expect you to not go anywhere. But don't avoid spending time with your dad because you don't like ME."

I think that had an impact on SD when I told her. She teared up a bit, but, I think it was because it was the first time anyone has ever blatantly shaken the core of GUBM's PAS for her. GUBM and most everyone else she has associated with live by the archaic notion that if the kid doesn't like the SO of the Bioparent, then the Bioparent should leave the SO no matter what THEIR relationship is like. They had all been busy telling her that if she doesn't like me then I have to go, or that it isn't fair to her if she doesn't like me, and whatever made up nonsense you can think of. But there I stood, not only giving her permission to hate me, but telling her to accept her hatred of me and move on with her life all while simultaneously warning her that she needs to be respectful.