Responsibility of child

Quick question. My partners son is very difficult and lives with us as his mum couldn’t handle him. So she told us we take him or he goes into a social services home. He makes violent threats to other children at school and he is 10 years old. I have recently just had a baby and he told me he wishes she doesn’t exist and gets thoughts of throwing her out of a window. My baby is 10 weeks old and I feel very scared living in this home.

I have pushed for social care to intervene and conduct assessments on him and try get him all the help he needs, however it is a horrible feeling living like this.

After adding some context to the situation. Me and my partner are not married. Him and the child’s mum have parental responsibility of him. When my partner gets deployed as he is in the military, he expects me to have his child for the 6 months and not the child’s mum. I am not comfortable or want to do this as I would struggle when he is away without adding the external pressure and worry around the safety of my child. Bottom line is, can I be forced into having him if my partner is away even if I don’t want to put myself through it? It may sound selfish but it’s not something I’m willing to do in this relationship, after the behaviour and threats, it crosses my boundaries. I was forced into this situation living with him. But if my partner goes away and forcing me into that too, I think that's too much for me.

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I don't blame you

It is a tough situation but no way I would take SS for 6 months. BM can take him or it's SO's responsibility to find him care. You need to protect your baby.

Boarding school

We have looked into boarding school and my partner expected me to have him for the holidays when he is back which are normally 3 week periods. If my partner is away, can I refuse? I have no legal obligation but my partner thinks because I am with him, I have to do it. I said I would be struggling when you are away, I do not want or need his child to add onto that. His mum should be having them for that period. I understand morally, he lives with us so I would be expected to have him if my partner is away. But I don't want to. What do I do?

Of course he should go to his

Of course he should go to his mom for school breaks if he is at boarding school and dad isn't home. It is ridiculous to suggest anything else!

No

Tell him no. He can be with BM or stay at the school. But you don't have to deal with him when your partner isn't there.

In the US military members

In the US military members have to have a "family care plan". If you weren't in the picture, where would SS go? THAT is who he needs to be with for a deployment.

If you feel your baby isn't safe with SS in the house, he doesn't need to be there without your SO home. At 10 he can still go to daycare and that is exactly where he needs to be while your SO is at work. Being with a man who has a child doesn't mean you have to automatically take on the mother role just because you are together. Remind him that you have no legal rights to him, you aren't the parent. You can't take him to the doctor, you can't register him for school, you aren't in the custody agreement because you aren't the parent.

say "No"

as in "No I will not endanger my child" "no, I will not stay in a home with a dangerous child" "no I will not stay in a relationship with a man who is willing to risk our baby's well being" "no I will not try." "no." "I said No!"

Your first priority is the

Your first priority is the safety of your baby. If you are concerned for your baby's safety, you need to leave.

This boy is the responsibilty of his parents. NOT YOU. If you choose to babysit on occasion (I strongly advise you do not), that is your option NOT - repeat NOT - your responsibility. What would your partner do if he was single? BM would have to take their son, he would stay in boarding school, or he would go into a social services home.

And under NO circumstances should you be caring for your partner and BM's child when your partner his deployed. As the saying goes, Not your circus, not your monkey.

Oh hell no. Your partner is

Oh hell no. Your partner is being unreasonable, and I'd suggest moving out before he's deployed, since he's not listening to your concerns.

He isn't asking you to watch

He isn't asking you to watch his kid while he runs to the store for milk!

NO. Absolutely NO. In fact, if I were you I would tell him he and his child need to live elsewhere from you. It sounds like the kid is potentially dangerous and it is beyond the scope of reasonableness to have to deal with him with a helpless baby in the home.

Are you financially stuck though.. can you not afford to live independently?

I love the bones off my

I love the bones off my partner and that's why I'm still here and we both agreed he will never be left alone with her. Partner is paying for boarding school because I don't feel comfortable with him living with us. So he is being removed from the situation but he will still be home long holidays and be coming back to us. Social services are aware of his threats in school to other children, and what he said to me about my daughter

When my partner gets deployed

When my partner gets deployed as he is in the military, he expects me to have his child for the 6 months and not the child's mum.

...but he will still be home long holidays and be coming back to us.

US? There is no "us" when your partner is deployed. Unless "us" means you and your baby.

I love the bones off my partner...

Please love your helpless baby more. She is irreplacable. A man is not.

I love my baby so much and

I love my baby so much and that why his son is going to boarding school and I am refusing to have him on the holidays when my partner is away. Social services are also well aware of him and what he has said. But yes you are right, he should not be around my baby but my partner will not give up responsibility for him because he does not think his child would ever act on the intrusive thoughts he has

my partner will not give up

my partner will not give up responsibility for him

Your partner will not give up responsbilty for his child. HIS child. HIS responsibility. BM's child. BM's responsibility. NOT yours. Your baby is YOUR responsibility. Your partner needs to make arrangements for his son that do not involve you. Frankly, I hope you and your baby will leave before your selfish partner leaves his child with you for one minute.

Do you know how exhausting it

Do you know how exhausting it is to never let your child alone with another who is staying in the same house? What happens when the kid is watching cartoons and your baby is sleeping in a bouncer, but now you have to go to bathroom? Or you are all in the kitchen but you have to step around the corner for a piece of mail you left there? Don't think that just because you are stepping away for mere seconds that the kid wouldn't try something to hurt the baby because kids like that will take those opportunities to hurt her.

But he calls me selfish!!

He says I'm selfish. His step dad took him in with no quarms and he had a great life. His son is a lovely boy but he acts on impulse and is unpredictable! Because his step dad was great with him and had him with no issues he thinks everyone is like and should be like his step dad!

Something tells me that his

Something tells me that his MOM was the reason he was able to have a great relationship with his stepdad.

Why do you love this guy so

Why do you love this guy so much when he bullies and pressures you like this?

I think his mindset and

I think his mindset and expectation is, if I live with him I'm responsible for his son because I'm the adult. I don't think he is educated differently because of what his relationship was like with his step dad

His mindset is wrong and his

His mindset is wrong and his expection is unreasonable. Especially under the circumstances. Every relationship is different and it is illogical to assume that his relationship with his step dad has anything to do with your relationship with his child. You are not married, the boy is not your step son, and you have zero responsibility for your partner's child. I say again: your first priority is your baby.

Well, that's nice for him.

Well, that's nice for him. Perhaps he should zip it and listen to YOUR mindset for a change.

Not for one minute do I

Not for one minute do I believe this guy will listen to any opinion other that his own. He wants what he wants. Period.Dot. No one else factors in. I couldn't run away from someone like this fast enough. Especially if my baby was at risk.

I'd be considering running if

I'd be considering running if DH made an unreasonable request and then called me selfish when I didn't agree to it. No thanks. Life is too short to be married to someone who doesn't care about my needs (or those of his other child).

Exactly. After skid-sitting

Exactly. After skid-sitting once, BioHo expected me to be the permanent skid-sitter. Not on your Nelly. My DH did not even question my choice. Not my circus, not my monkeys.!

Yes I think he is

Yes I think he is unreasonable expectations of a relationship when his child is like he is

Why does the boy's own mother

Why does the boy's own mother get a pass on raising him, but you don't?

The selfish one is your partner. He wants you to agree to do what HE wants, because that's easier for HIM. Do not let him call you names, and do not feel badly that you are doing what's best for you and your baby. Your partner sounds like a bully. Don't tolerate it.

This ^^, absolutely. He is

This ^^, absolutely. He is only thinking of himself and what he sees as the easy solution. If BM can't/won't take him, your bf needs to set something up with his own parents and/or family. This child is not your responsibility.

If you guys was in my

If you guys was in my partners shoes. What would you do if you were him if they were both your kids? I feel like he thinks he is stuck between a partner and a baby and a child he has responsibility for because his BM does not want to know?

I would tell him I'm not his

I would tell him I'm not his son's parent and he will need to find other care for school breaks. Why is this all about how HE feels? What would he do if he didn't have a wife to bully into going along with his plans?

This will have consequences and make waves

but you must see to it that your partner doesn't see you as a builit in nanny, maid, tutor, cook, laundress, chauffeur for his child from a previous relationship.

Yes he is stuck- he has made

Yes he is stuck- he has made the choice to procreate 2X and he has to man up and deal with the issues. He needs to figure out care for his older child. You aren't asking him to choose between the kids- you are telling him to parent his child and not to shove that responsibility on you- because he isn't' your kid.

Red Flag City!

1. There is no comparing a stepDAD and a stepMOM. Usually the stepDAD has the BM's "seal of approval" stamped on his forehead for all of mommykin's children to see. StepMOM will 99.99% NEVER have the "seal of approval" from either biodad nor the BM.

2. "You're the adult" THAT OLD CHESTNUT? Right up there with "you don't like my kid" "he's juuuuuusst a kiiiiiiid" "he'll grow out of it.." (http://steptogether.org/disengaging-male.html)

3. admittedly the kid is a "problem" child that he is dumping off on you. Funny, your partner cares nothing for the safety of (I'm assuming) his baby but is more concerned with Damien (hopefully you've seen the Omen).

Love is NOT enough, particularly when it comes to STEP issues.

He thinks his child would

He thinks his child would never act on anything he says

he is obviously living in fantasy land

If you go through this forum you will see that many SMs have posted that their stepchildren started with verbal threats then, when not taken seriously, escalated to physical threats such as toddlers being pushed down the stairs (by accident) and then these ostrich fathers STILL didn't believe Junior did the dirty deed.

Until he does, and then what?

Until he does, and then what? You job is to protect your baby. Your "Partner" needs to understand that.

Also just to add. If he

Also just to add. If he leaves the military, then we do not get funding for boarding school. Which means he would be with us constantly because his mum will not take him

Again as other posters have pointed out

He doesn't need to leave the military. He needs to "pretend" that you are not there as surrogate mommy. Boarding school it is and the BM (not you) takes him on his 3 week holidays. UNLESS SO plans to be there for him on those 3 week holidays. In other words, you will NOT be alone with Damien.

Are there Chaplin services

Are there Chaplin services that he could get? Maybe a counselor can help him see that he has no right to ask someone, who isn't even his wife, to care for a child that is threatening her infant.

We have relationship

We have relationship counselling next week so I will be bringing it up

If we split up. How can I

If we split up. How can I guarantee when she is with her dad that the child is not present without me around?

That is the million dollar question

I know it is hindsight and plenty of women have found themselves in this predicament, but if you see that the father has children from a previous relationship that are the slightest bit unruly, make sure you either keep walking or use 2 forms of birth control.

I am not saying jump to

I am not saying jump to splitting up. Just make sure that you have a line in the sand. If he wants to end the relationship because you are protecting your child- fine.

All you can do is petition for the visitation agreement to say that your baby is not to be in the home at the same time as SS due to threats against his safety

There is absolutely no way I

There is absolutely no way I would take this kid when his dad is not home.

Your partner needs to figure it out as if you were not in the picture. Don't let him bully you, guilt you, or otherwise get you to do this when you do NOT want to.

This kid is NOT your responsibility, I don't care what your partner says. Goody for him that he had that step dad but that was his step dad's choice, not his responsibility.

Four hours is the amount of time that I watched my SD when my DH had to work in the 10 years of her visitation. She was a good kid but she was not my responsibility and my DH never tried to make her so. Your partner shouldn't, either. Not all men feel the way your partner does, that because you are with him, you have to do it.

IF something were to happen with this kid, in your care, you do realize social services could take your baby while they did an investigation, right?

I think you need to stand strong on this.

Yep

And what if the kid accused you of "abusing" him? Whose side would your SO take (hint: probably not yours)? Then CPS would get involved in that too and possibly take away your child.

I see that you are 21 and

I see that you are 21 and your partner's son is 10. How old is your partner? Please don't let him bully you because he has the age advantage over you. Don't let him push you around because you are young. That is abusive behavior.

Absolutely NOT

If you decide to watch his child, it will be YOUR choice....not someone forcing it on you. When DHs two youngest came for visitation, it was on his weekends home. As he worked overseas for extended periods (3-4 weeks), his kids stayed with their mom ALL THE TIME. I had zero responsibility when DH was away. I DID keep them for extended times twice...MY CHOICE. But I learned my lesson and there was never a third time.

Best case, the kid goes to

Best case, the kid goes to boarding school and then goes with his mom on breaks. Surely she can handle being with her own child for a few weeks per year. If either BM or your DH says she can't, counter with "if his own mother can't handle him for a few weeks, how am i supposed to handle him plus a baby?"

I agree that if you leave your DH, your baby would be in more danger because he will be left unsupervised with SS and your husband doesn't take SS's threats seriously.

Also, if stepdad was so great with him, where is he now? *nevermind, just reread and it was your DH's stepdad who was great, not SSs.

I have some family members in military and the guys

They expect to make executive decisions and thats the way it is, wife/partner kids all follow with no questions asked. They aren't interested in wife's opinions or concerns and rarely have her back and these are my cousins from dysfunctional high conflict families.

so when a woman puts her foot down, he starts with the stop being selfish and disobedient nonsense story when in reality he's being the unreasonable one.

remember this; "i am not ever responsible for any child that didn't come out of my body or whom i legally adopted or signed as legal guardian for," now since none of the above occurred, its not your problem. When your partner starts with the "why are you being so selfish?" Bullshit, ask him "why is it your son's bio mum gets off being a parent but the kids stepmum is being called selfish for not caring for him"

Keep all evidence of child

Keep all evidence of child being violent, leave partner and ask for supervised visitation. Your partner is unreasonable and his attitude will endanger your child!!

What would your partner do if

What would your partner do if you left him over this? Find alternative care for his son? Tell him to pretend you've already left and find an alternative before you actually do leave to protect your baby.

Following a long chat with my

Following a long chat with my partner. He apoiligised for expecting me to have responsibility for him. He said his expectation is for any adult to put their needs behind a child's and put the child's welfare first. Following this he said it is not reality and he apologised. He understands not all relationships are like what he had with his stepdad.

Following this, we came to the agreement that he will not be left with me and as a last resort it would be a holiday club or family (family unlikely because my partner doesn't have much family to work with.) or in the unlikely event, if there was no one to have him or holiday clubs available, getting in touch with social services to help out.

He went on to say he is the only responsible adult his child has as his mum doesn't even do the bare minimum and he will not give up responsibility of him as he would go straight into care. Which I understand.

His child is a lovely boy, he does have a heart of good but he is suffering from violent intrusive thoughts when he gets angry and is struggling to cope with them. The doctors were not doing much therefore it has now gone to social services who are investigating to fast track and get support. Whilst this is going on I will be removing myself from the Household to feel that their is full protection for me and baby until he goes to boarding school. Thankyou for all your comments and making me understand I really do not need to say yes to something I do not want to.

My partner also added he will be turning down all future deployments and courses as he knows he cannot do that anymore because of the situation with his son. He said he will be not putting us in the situation.

Has the boy been in therapy?

Has the boy been in therapy? He may be dealing with anger/jealousy issues. Mom does not want him. He has a new half-sibling. Your partner should find some profressional help for his son to find out what's going on with him and how to cope.

We are in the the process of

We are in the the process of doing this. I think he has anxiety and is getting intrusive thoughts. He makes violent threats to children in school and acts on impulse.

we went to the doctors and added on a 2 year waiting list for an assessment. I have pushed my concerns to my babies health visitor regarding his thoughts and now CPS are involved to make sure he can get fast tracked and get therapy asap for the sake of his well-being and my daughters. We have spoken to the doctors several times and now CPS are involved it is a relief.

I don't know how the military

I don't know how the military works there but in the US they are called orders. My husband has served for 22 yrs so far and never once has he been able to say "Yea, that doesn't work for me. I am going to turn this one down". He was a single father with my SS who in his younger years was diagnosed Bipolar, Austistic, ODD, ADHD. He isn't actually bi-polar (that was a misdiagnosis and should have never been put on a 7 yr old to begin with). However, the Navy never gave him a pass. He had to use his family plan and my SS was left with family.

The rest of what was discussed sounds good, I just hope that he stays with what he is saying.

You have no responsibility or obligation towards that boy - he has a dad and mum.

It's their issue.

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Responsibility of child

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