OT (a little)...Reasonable Visitation
I have no CO for visitation for my three oldest sons (17, 14, 13). My xH and I have always just handled everything, and it has worked out beautifully, going on 5 years now. We are kind and fair to each other, and the boys benefit.
I said that, to say this...I have NO experience in coming up with 'reasonable visitation'.
I have a 9 month old son that I now have to come up with a plan for reasonable visitation. I just need a starting point...I have a few things that I know I want listed, and I know there are many things that I won't get 
I just don't want to miss an important detail that will bite me in the ass later! Suggestions would be great! I know we all live in different places and the law varies, but I can sort out what may or may not be allowed in my state later.
What I WANT (that is reasonable):
BioDad can have EOW
BioDad responsible for travel to/from visitation
What I would LIKE (that might not be as reasonable):
All holidays with me (BioDad does not celebrate them)
No overnight visits until baby is 2 (or potty trained?
I have heard of that happening once)
What I think is probably reaching too far:
Before overnight visits, some sort of home inspection
(I don't think his home is fit for an infant/toddler)
A certain number of supervised visits before overnight
visits. If he misses one the count starts over.
No summer visitation, just always EOW.
Am I forgetting something? Any ideas/feedback would be greatly appreciated!
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What I WANT (that is
What I WANT (that is reasonable)
BioDad responsible for travel to/from visitation - do you really feel that is reasonable? Sorry, I don't think it is. Standard court orders are not this way, thus I can't see where that is reasonable or fair.
What I would LIKE (that might not be as reasonble)
All holidays with me (BioDad does not celebrate them) - does BioDad not celebrate them because they are religious holidays and thus he doesn't celebrate them? Does he not celebrate ANY holidays, not Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc? Or just some?
What I think is probably reaching too far:
Before overnight visits, some sort of home inspection - yes, sadly, although I can understand you being nervous, I don't believe you have that right anymore than he has a right to go into your home to "inspect it". I think you can say "I want to make sure that if you have a pool, there is a gate, blah, blah, blah...but if you want to go nitpick such as "kid must have his own bed, his pretty dresser, blah, blah...then be prepared for him to do the same...and you never know how your life ends up...just because something in your house is ok now, does not mean that it will be the same later...so I would thread lightly)
A certain number of supervised visits before overnight visits. If he misses one the count starts over. - Why do you feel he needs supervised visits? Is he a drunk? Is he a drug addict? If not, I don't see how that can fly with a judge or anyone else. The whole deal about if he misses one the count starts over, well, that is really not helping anyone...but it is just a control issue and a way to punish him.
No summer visitation, just always EOW. - I don't think that is unreasonable actually...especially as most kids have their friends, etc. living close to their custodial parent. But if no extended visits are possible, especially at an early age, then I think the EOW is a bit unreasonable.
Good luck...I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. I know it is hard to let go of our little ones...but at the same time, you must remember it is not your little one, but his little one also...and really, he should have a right to see him as much as you. You both need to come up with a plan that allows for changes...ie. he gets ticket to see Barney and it's on your day and you are not doing anything, he should be allowed to take the kid...otherwise, you will go down the "I am here to punish you road"...and that is really the last thing you want to do to your son. Especially boys, they NEED to be with their dads. A boy gets his identity from his dad. Period. You can be an awesome mom, but believe me when I say, a son NEEDS his dad.
Actually in my state the
Actually in my state the responsibility for travel is common, and in return the non-custodial parent usually is allowed a restriction that keeps the custodial parent from moving any farther than 250 miles from the non-custodial parent (if they ask for it). It keeps the child from having to travel more than 4 hours each direction (especially with inclement weather).
He does not celebrate ANY holidays, for religious reasons. I already have FULL legal custody, because of his views on medical issues. The baby has had 3 life-saving blood transfusions that his BioDad would not have allowed. Even though I have full legal custody, I am not opposed to him teaching the baby his religious views, or even taking him to his church. Religion is a personal choice the baby will make eventually on his own. But since holidays are just another day to BioDad, I thought I would ask for them.
I don't want to inspect his home, I want a professional to do it. My home obviously would be subject as well. Last time I was in his home there were holes (bigger than 1 sq ft) in the 2nd story floor that went completely through to the main floor, also no stairs going to the basement just the void where they should be, covered by plastic...issues like that (a renovaion project that was started 5 years ago and has not been worked on or completed)
I knew the supervised visits were a stretch, but I just want him to demonstrate consistency and let the baby get to know him, I think that is important for any child. And one of the reasons we are heading to court.
Thank you for the input, I know now that I need to be more clear in my requests so that they don't sound selfish, but rather reflect concern for baby's safety.
I think you should approach
I think you should approach all of it from "what is best for my child and how he'll benefit from a relationship with his father" rather than "what YOU want".
I don't really know your entire situation, but asking him to do all travel and to be supervised seem to be a stretch. Same for no overnights until 2 or potty trained. You may not like the way he parents, but the courts aren't going to punish him for having a different philosophy than you do.
Great ideas THANK YOU! It is
Great ideas THANK YOU! It is his first child, my state requires a parenting class for divorced parents, but since we were never married I didn't think of it. I also like that I would be offered the time he couldn't spend with the baby.
I don't mind an alternating holiday schedule, I just thought I would ask for all of them, because to BioDad they are just ordinary days (religious view).
And thanks for the tips on the summer weeks!
That's why I thought I would
That's why I thought I would run it by everyone here first lol I definitely don't have experience in this area! I knew I would get good advice here, whether it was what I wanted to hear or not :)Thank you!
I think you might want to
I think you might want to explain his involvement in the 9 mo olds life up until now. Most states have a parenting plan, that help with age appropriate visitation.
The other thing to keep in mind what is fair at 9mo is not fair at 6 yrs old.
The way I looked at reasonable visitation. If the biodad all of a sudden got custody- what would you want for visitation? My dd from age 3 travelled to a different state to see her dad.
However:
Dumping all transportation on one parent is unreasonable.
Unless its a cost issue.
Eowe only is unreasonable. Under a 2 probably no overnights but depends on dads involvement before.
A child that young should really see the other parent every other day.
Again start by putting yourself in the role as the NCP. Treat him as you would want to be treated.
Immediately following birth
Immediately following birth BioDad saw the baby once a week, I let him do it at his convenience (he had a tricky work schedule) all I asked was for a 2 hour notice to make sure we were home. Once a week lasted for a month, then it went to every other week, which I understood with travel time and work it was difficult for him. Then it was once a month, because BioDad was "busy". He has not seen or asked about the baby for 5 months. I used to send pics and text updates about baby's firsts, doc appts etc, but then I stopped.
During his visits BioDad would even eat dinner with my family, we were very accomodating.
My theory has always been that any contact with BioDad that the baby had was a bonus, just one more person that loved him. I just had hoped for more consistency.
BioDad's work doesn't give
BioDad's work doesn't give time off for any holidays. He works in an industry that is 24 hrs, 7 days a weeks, never shuts down. His schedule is determined years in advance and if he happens to be on days off on a holiday that is the only way he gets to take time off...he does however have two weeks vacation a year.
I don't think he will object to the holiday schedule, unless a holiday happens to fall on his weekend.
"EOW"............. I think is
"EOW"............. I think is fine.
"BD to provide transporatation to/from visitations" ............eh, for me I think if it is your time to have the kids then you should pick them up. (when it's the start of HIS week, then HE should pick them up. If it's the start of YOUR week then YOU should pick them up)
"ALL holiday with me".............i don't agree with this. You didn't say if it was religous reasons or something else, but I don't feel he should not be able to see his child on a "declared" day because he doesn't plan on spending it celebrating it the way you would. Forgive me on this one, because I have been in the "STEP" home/family situation ALL my life. Years of fighting between my parents, then (not so much fighting but trying to FIND the time to schedule) between me and my XH (which I share 50/50 with) As a kid, not being able to be at one place for very long cause i had to go to this place and that place. Gonna be here gonna be there. Guess who truly never got to enjoy the holiday?!!!! Me (the kid) Guess who the holiday was supposedly for? The kid. My kids started off the same way as me and their BD were trying to make sure the kids didn't miss out. I finally said, "i can't do it. This is soo unfair to the kids. I will celebrate the holiday on a different day." We did and still do and the kids enjoy it sooo much more. I enjoy it more also.
I think some families really need to let go of their thinking that the holiday's can only be celebrated on THAT day. Let's think about it, are we really celebrating the true reason and meaning of that holiday, or are we celebrating the fact that we are getting together with all of our loved ones? For most, it is the latter, and we can do that ANY DAY.
"no over nights until baby is 2 (or potty trained)" I am on the fence with this. But my thinking is this. You say EOW is fine, ok I get that. BUT if you feel so comfortable with the fact that the baby is with BD ALL day long, which would also consist of naps, then i would assume that the baby would be fine over night also. By the way, I am reading your EOW as EOWeek, not Weekend. But either way, the baby would be with him pretty much all day, etc....like I just stated.
"home inspection" I think is being unreasonable. I'm not going to elaborate.
"supervised visits" is he unfit????? just because he doesn't parent exactly the same way as you doesn't make him unfit per se. Again, if the baby is going to be with him pretty much ALL day long, then why the supervision?
I DEF understand that some of these idea's may come from more of a concerned loving mom, scared and not wanting to part with baby. Boy do i understand, but take emotion out and keep it in perspective. The baby is 50% BD also. unless he has abusive issues, addictions, etc...something exrtreme like that, then baby deserves to see BD just as much as BM.
To be honest... it sounds
To be honest... it sounds like you are angry and want to control the situation.
Do you not want the father to bond with the child? Have you ever heard of "out of sight, out of mind". That is what you are going to create.
A situation where the biodad will eventually stop scurrying around all of your demands. He will eventually find another woman - and if he is lke most men it wont be long at all.
Trust me when I and most step-moms will tell you - that YOU setting that there be no overnights will be a blessing for her. She doesn't have to watch your kid - she will get daddy all to herself. And if they decide to have kids or she already has kids, then she REALLY wont want stepkid around. And since biodad hasn't bonded with kiddo, then chances are he will let you continue to be supermom.
The part where you want a count-down on visits before he gets an overnight. ARe you freaking kidding me. If he is like most men, he isnt exactly going to be hurting that he cannot have a toddler for a night.
Good luck! You will soon have ultimate control - of yourself and your kid when he tells you to back off.
This as well. Our BM tried
This as well.
Our BM tried the supervised visit count-down thing. Refused to budge. She's states away which meant that DH, who had no money to fly ($400 round trip every time) after lawyers and CS and rent/utilities would have been able to make the "6 predetermined visits a year for a minimum of 2 years before overnights would be allowed."
Then when he wanted teleconferencing, BM wanted him to pay for a computer and all installation and software.
Guess what happened? DH gave up any form of visitation. Now he and the kid who is almost 2 have no bond, he's now focused on trying to have kids with me and wanting to be superdad to our kids to make up for it.
Who lost in the end? The kid did. We tried to get her to see from the financial and emotional point of view--was refused. Now we just say we'll wait for the day the kid is old enough to have contact without having to go through BM.
Rethink this one if you truly care about your child's bond with the father.
Also wanted to add that BM was the one who moved before the kid was born.
Depends on your state, but
Depends on your state, but your expectations are unrealistic - unless you live in CA, NJ, or NY.
At a Minimum, Dad will most likely get
- liberal day visitation leading up to gradual overnights beginning with 1 year
- weekday visitation/overnight off weeks
- split holidays - it is not your concern how he celebrates
- at least a week summer visitation - moving up to several weeks & eventually half of summer break
- you have NO say how Dad keeps his home (thank God)
- split transportation - especially if you cross state lines
Keep in mind 50/50 is being ordered far more often