Help my fiances 9 year old daughter is ruining our relationship
i am about to walk away from the best man i ever had because of her. she is the sneakiest most kniving child i have seen in my life. her dad sees no wrong in how she treats me though. she has no boundaries, she goes through my drawers, personal papers,(even had my s.s. #, for her sneaky mother i guess). her dad had got me some proactive face wash and she used it all up just to spite me, same thing with my bath and body works lotions. she gets into any of my things she wants to but if i say something to her father I'm being selfish. she will break rules when hes around just to see us fuss. like today she knows she isn't supposed to drink or eat out of the kitchen. She walks past me in the living room with a juice box in her hand and a smirk on her face, taunting me. i tell her to take it in the kitchen and she stats talking back so i tell her dad to say something and he wont. so next ting she is in the bedroom with it, still smirking when she sees i notice, finally her dad tells her to take it in the kitchen so later i find a big glass of kool-aid spilled in the bed room. she has even lied on me and told her father that i threw her on the bed and callled her a bit**, he knew that was a lie cause she got her story messed up (thank god). any time i tell him he needs to make her respect me or stop antagonizing me he tells me shes just a kid and he cant do nothing. we have barley talked for two days what should i do?????
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Oh My! Serious ......
KimT.....
It is up to him to show her how to respect you.
It is up to YOU to set boundaries for yourself. Now, this is NOT easy, I still have trouble with it.
My suggestion is to not look at this as a SD problem, but a BF problem.
It took me a while to realize that I was not angry with BF's daughter, but with him for not showing her proper behavior.
"any time i tell him he needs to make her respect me or stop antagonizing me he tells me shes just a kid and he cant do nothing."
That line is a load of bull and YOU know it... it is called PARENTING.
She should be given rules of the house, drinks in the kitchen, no lying, no drinks in the bedrooms. Make these VERY clear. Have a list of consequences for if these rules are broken.
This is what my BF and I have done. This way, as well, both of our kids have the same list of rules and consequences. And they KNOW what they are.
Rules include, privacy! We are going through that right now. We have set the rule "you cannot go into someone else's room with out asking first"
If any of them do it, they lose privledges... and losing the Xbox in my house is a BIG deal! LOL
DAD needs to enforce this or if nothing else, show her he agrees with them. Maybe him taking away a toy or something will show her that he means business.
This seems more a discipline issue, which can arise because us as SM (or GF) means that they know we might not have power.
My BF told his kids, in front of me and my kids... "she can take away privileges." He let them know up front that I have parent power.
I told my kids the same thing. LOL you should have seen the faces... the looks... it was so awesome....
Now, another word here.... she is probably scared she will lose her Daddy. As much as I want to yell..."it is her fault" she has not been shown how to show her feelings tward you in a healthy manner. That is NOT her fault.
There needs to be a sit down. I did it with my SD.
"I care about your dad, and I know you love him very much too. I am not here to take him away, I want him to be a good dad to you. I know he loves you very much! He WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU. Not for any other person in the world."
You would be surprised if you show a little understanding to them how well they respond to it.
Will it fix it all, probably not... but it is a start and may help.
Oh and try to talk to DH calmly about it, tell him how you feel, but with out the drama. Just state it, they understand that better.
Hope this helps... I do understand
I am lucky that my SD adores me
i have had a sit down with
i have had a sit down with her and told her that I'm not taking her form her dad. he even had his own sit down with her and told her the same thing. I told her that I'm not trying to be her mom just her friend and us fussing like this is hurting her dad and if we both love him we need to get along. you are right it is more a discipline, and his fault. she just test him constantly to see how far she can go. if he tells her not to do something she just ignores him or if he really get on her then its hell time for me, cause she start testing me. I try to talk to him but he doesn't want to hear it. we have barley talked in two days. i told him last night she is doing these things to break us up and he said nothing. i don't see why its so hard for him to see its not right for her to disrespect me and antagonize me like she does. not when he gets in his silent moods like this i have to give in and act like everything is okay and just deal with her behavior. i am at my whits end with it i don't know what more to do. than u for listening and understanding,
Brace yourself
She's not even a teenager and she does this? Girl, you're headed for a showdown. I would not marry that man unless he gets a handle on things...seriously. There are a lot of SM's on here who have regretted getting married and some who have actually left their husbands because of skids. I am one with regrets myself and was wanting out not too long ago. I'm still not sure I will stay. It won't get any better unless you demand it and might not even then. You have to prepare yourself for your future. I don't want to tell you to leave him, but if I knew then what I know now, I certainly would not have married my husband. You have to stand up for yourself now, though. Don't back down. Don't sacrifice your own happiness because he won't make his child mind. And that child won't just disappear when she turns 18. She will be a part of his life FOREVER. You might want to consider whether you want her in yours forever.
"If your going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you're scared, don't show it, you might get out before the devil even knows you're there" -Rodney Atkins
Crizzle is right
BF needs to take control or you are in for one hell of a ride. Youo will not be able to "fix" this kids behavior....BF will have to. As long as she feels she can do what shw wants with out BF stepping in she will continue to do so.
This is another case of the child's behavior being able to be traced back to aa a adult and in this case it's your BF's lack of rule and boundry setting for her. You do not need to have anymore long sit downs with SD. You need to have a long sit down with BF.
You will all wind up miserable if changes arn't made.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
I thought this may help a little
Recently I was searching the Internet some answers, and found this. Unfortunately I saved it as a copy, and don't remember the name of the site. I thought I post it here, hoping it may help you a little?
Margo.
Stepfamily Myths
Myths are beliefs that strongly influence the way people in stepfamilies adjust to their new family and react to one another. The following myths about stepfamilies can be stumbling blocks on the stefamily journey.
Myth #1 - Love occurs instantly between the child and the stepparent
This is the expectation that because you love your new partner you will automaticlly love his or her children; or that the children will automatically love us because we are such nice people. Of course, if we think about it, we recognize that establishing relationships takes time; that it does not happen overnight or by magic.
Even if we recognize the time involved, it is hard to accept that sometimes we are willing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a relationship with us. That hurts, and when people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.
Stepfamily adjustment will be helped if we come to the relationships with our stepchildren with minimal, and, therefore, more realistic, expectations about how the relationships will develop. We may then be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes more time than we anticipated.
Myth #2 - Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged
Children go through a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often respond to their children's pain with guilt. Somehow they feel they can "make it up" to them. This leads to difficulties in responding appropriately to our children's hurt and setting appropriate limits - an important part of parenting.
Researchers have hopeful news about children of divorce and remarriage. Although it takes some time, most children do recover their emotional equilibrium. Five and 10 years later most are found to be no different, in many important ways, from kids in first marriage families.
Myth #3 - Stepmothers are wicked
This myth is based on the fairy stories we all hear as children. Because these stories tell about stepmothers who are not kind, nice or fair, we may be confused about our roles when we become stepmothers. We are nice people, wanting to do a good job, but the world seems to have another idea about stepmothers.
This negative concept of the stepmother role imparts us in a very personal way and we may be very self-conscious about our stepparenting. Research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily. (But, it you are a stepmother, you knew that already!)
Myth #4 - Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly
People are optimistic and hopeful when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with being happy. If your hope or expectation is that once the wedding vows are spoken life will return to normal (whatever that is), you are going to be disappointed.
Because stepfamilies are such complicated families, the time it takes for people to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop some family history is significant, usually at least four years.
Myth #5 - Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological fathers (or mothers) withdraw
Children will always have two biological parents, and will adjust better if they can access both. This means they need to be able to see their nonresidential parent and to think well of him or her. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is very important to the child's adjustment and emotional health, except in those rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.
It helps if the residential parent and stepparent can work toward a "parenting partnership" with all the adults involved. Sometimes this can't happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.
Myth #6 - Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier
People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one, and a remarriage may "reactivate" unfinished grieving. These emotional issues may get played out in the new relationship with detrimental effects.
Another problem is that it can be difficult to think realistically about the person who has died. He or she exists in menory, not in reality and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood.
When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to the one before. When people remarry after a divorce, they are usually looking for something very different. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.>
Myth #7 - Part-time stepfamilies are easier
>Relationships take time. Stepfamilies where the children only visit occasionally are hampered by the lack of time to work on relationships.
If your stepchildren come every other weekend, there is less time for one-on-one time between the stepchild and stepparent, and less time for family activities. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process (stages of development), it may take the part-time stepfamily longer to move through the process.
Myth #8 - There is only one kind of family
This is the myth that says you will be just like a first marriage (or biological) family. Today there are lots of different kinds of families; first marriage, single parent, foster, and stepfamilies to name a few. Each is valuable and has different characteristics. Just because there are two adults in the stepfamily doesn't mean that it recreates a biological family. If this is what you are hoping for, you will be frustrated when it doesn't happen.
Lock up your stuff
Put it where she can't get it,under lock and key. You can say it to her directly like don't do that to me, but re. feelings about dad, I don't know how much of a conversation you can have with someone so young, she is going to hear what she wants out of it anyway.
I would just try not to interact with her and see what develops. Definitely put DH on the hot seat as far as dealing with her. Hope it gets better
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2