My relationship and experience with my 2 teenage stepdaughters.
Briefly, I have 3 kids with my first wife, ages 24 to 29. None are married and I don't have any grandkids (yet). I have what I feel is a good relationship with my 3. Current wife has 2 daughters with her first husband, ages 14 & 15. We have been together as a couple and as a family for over 10 years so I have been around as stepdad to my wife's daughters for over 10 years. My wife has a very rocky relationship with her first husband, she shares 50% custody with him. Oldest stepdaughter has also had a rough relationship with her father and has started to stay with us far more than the 50%, she and I have a decent relationship. The younger stepdaughter has however had a very disrespectful attitude toward me since she was very young. Wife has also had many fights and arguments with her younger daughter, more so than the older daughter, so much so and has escalated to a level that the wife got exhusband to agree to have youngest start seeing a counselor about a year ago, not without having to fight him for it.
SO last night around 10:30PM, I overhear the two stepdaughters shouting, screaming, fighting about something to do with a curling iron. Wife was fast asleep so despite our agreement that I don't discipline, I interrupted their fight (when I heard one say to the other "you're hurting me, stop hurting me"). I called out to both girls, twice, to stop their fighting and when they ignored me and the fighting got louder I went into the oldest room where they were fighting saw the two of them pulling on each other and so I took away the curling iron to give to their mother. By this point mom is awake and I yelling what the hell is going On? The situation only got louder, the youngest was screaming that her sister was being unfair and that I shouldn't have gotten involved, her continued arguing with me and her mother now at this point made me so frustrated and angry that I shouted back at the youngest stepdaughter. I know, wrong, wrong, wrong. We all went to bed angry but the last part the most worrisome part is the youngest tried to leave the house telling her mom that she didn't feel safe here which was total teenage drama and unfounded and unwarranted. Wife again had to block her and stand her ground to get her to go to her room and that she was not leaving.
How do I, we fix this?
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Welcome to the site!
It sounds like SD14 is a massive drama queen. So she "doesn't feel safe"? Is this because voices were raised including on your part? If so - and that's all you did - then I agree it was completely unfounded on her part and she was just using this as a ruse to gain the upper hand over you and her mother. I wouldn't be tolerating that, not at all. I'd confiscate phones/laptop or whatever for 24 hours if it was me, along with a warning that a repetition would involve confiscation for three times as long, then 9. See how she likes that.
I would have let her leave.
I would have let her leave. Oh how I wish sometimes SD would just leave the situation.
Difficult when the SK are becoming adults.
To give you a little of my background, I have a 6 year old daughter from my previous relationship and 1 step son that is the exact same age as my daughter. My husband typically doesnt get involved with anythign that I say regarding my daughter. And when something happens like she trows a tantrum or something he makes me aware so I can take care of the situation. Honestly it has to do with the mother and father. What they allow from their teenage girls. My 6 year old has tried that game where she wants to go with her step day to the store or park ect. I allow her to go because she expresses to me that she wants to go. She ask for step dad to buy her things and he says no (maybe they are too expensive, excesive toys) and she is upset and when she arrives home she tries to trow him under the bus saying but mom (step dad) yelled at me. I of course ask why (to her and never to him, but he is in the same room)... she continues by saying that she demanded something from the store and he did not buy it.
It is up to us no matter how young or old they are to dicipline our kids to respect others , no matter who they are (Step dad, step mom) the mother should be putting her child in the spot and taking away items that are important to her (Cell phone). She needs to hold her child accountable for her bad behavior. If we allow our kids to continue to act the way they want things will go down hill for you and your wife.
Think about it.....clearly the youngest daughter does not have any respect for her own mother, how can you expect respect from a child that is not directly yours? This type of situation needs to be fixed by the mother.