New Stepmom Rant
Hi all. I am new to this site but feel like this could be a great place to rant/talk/get support. Here is the story:
I married my husband almost 4 years ago. He was married before and has a son from that marriage. He and his ex had a horrible break up but they did have custody order which said my husband would have his son for the summer and she would have him for school. When I first met my husband he lived in California and she lived in Idaho. Well the split never happened. She would disappear, change her number, change her address the works. Before we got married we did get a chance to see him but only for a day.
We moved to Pennsylvania in 2010 (my home state) and in Jan of 2011 our daughter was born. My husband would talk to his son sometimes but not that often. Every so often the ex would call and say he had to come live with us, we would say OK but the child support would need to stop and then she would not call us back. This has happened about 5 times in the past four years. However, this all changed in October. One day she called up and said she was getting evicted and we needed to take him right away and was ok with us keeping the child support. Now this is where I become a horrible person. I know that I am, but my heart just sank. The now 8 year old would be moving to a new state, school, and home with people he didn't even know. I feel bad for him but I was honestly more worried about my daughter and how this would all affect her.
November 3rd he arrived and at first things were good. He was well behaved, my family was good to him, and I really did not mind him being around so much. I am not sure when this stopped, but it did. I now resent him. I hate his presence and just wish he was not here. Again I know I am a horrid person. He constantly demands his dads attention and will say "why is he spending time with Remy (my daughter). He needs to spend time with me." He whines all the time, cries when he does not get his way, and will say "I want that" all the time. He even said to me "Oh you have the money I know" one time. I really know that all this comes from his mother but gah it is wearing thin on me.
I know why i am resenting him so much. Before he came out here, my husband and I were planning on having another child and actually trying to conceive in December. And now we cannot. We live in a three bedroom house and would have no room for another child. I know deep down this is why I am so angry and depressed. Even now I am tearing up writing this. Seems so silly.
This is rambling i know, but i just needed to write and get a bit off my chest before I exploded. I have tons of stories and reason why I am so upset lately.
Again, I know I am horrible I know I am wrong, but I just do not know what to do anymore and needed a place to talk because I have no one to talk to.
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Comments
Thank you for the support. I
Thank you for the support. I just do not know what to say. He will refuse dinner and DH will make him eat and be stern with him and then in five seconds it is over and they are laughing again. It is so frustrating. I do not know why but I cannot even look at the kid without being irritated. I am very organized and like things a certain way and with him coming here I feel like I lost complete control over my life.
BM is a nightmare in general, I am happy she is still in Idaho.
You are absolutely justified
You are absolutely justified in feeling jilted. I don't blame you.
1. Read through some of the blogs on this site and wrap yourself in the comfort of knowing you aren't alone. All kinds of men and women are out there in blended families living every day with the perpetual anger guilt, frustration and resentment that you are describing.
2. Brace yourself because having another womans child in your home with your child demanding your husbands attention is never ever going to be easy.
3. Be grateful BM isn't hanging around (or is she?). That is sometimes the worst part.
Thank you! DH tries really
Thank you! DH tries really hard to spend a ton of time with BD (is that right for biological daughter? sorry!)She is almost two (less than a month ah!) but is a huge mommy's girl. I am afraid if DH does not spend time with her, she will not have a good relationship with him. BM is not around because she is still in Idaho. I know she wants him home after they school year is over but I am afraid my DH will be trying to get full custody. I do not know if I could deal with SS here forever.
I don't think you're a
I don't think you're a horrible person. I do think this kid is hungering for time with his dad after not being able to see him for a long, long time. Is he in counseling to help him process all that has happened in his short life?
He talks to someone at
He talks to someone at school. We had to put him on my insurance so he could not see anyone outside of school until Jan 1st.
He is the oldest yes. In fact
He is the oldest yes. In fact BM has two other children and he is the oldest out of them too. I guess the whining is getting old. He is not hunger when it is dinner time so he cries, he had to quit his video game and he cries, BD is sleeping and I ask him to be a little quiet and he cries.
I have thought about going to
I have thought about going to a counselor, but that would mean telling DH why and that would not go over well.
As for DH having custody, I know he is responsible and he pays his CS. Plus he has tried for years to have him visit with her saying no. She calls weekly and is demanding him back after the school year so she is still at least present. I know we could offer him more but honestly, I do not know if I could stand him being here forever, and trust me I have thought about talking to someone about that but then again I will get the third degree as to why and I am not sure what to say.
Because I did not explain
Because I did not explain clearly I will go deeper. I am not afraid of my husband at all. In fact I am more in control in the house than anyone. I do not want to explain to him that I severely dislike this kid he is so happy to have around which is why I do not want to have the talk about seeing a counselor around him. I do not enjoy hurting his feelings like that which I feel that it would. I was fine with my life before because I had complete and utter control not because I had none. I am more of a boss than he is which I know is an issue.
I also know you can share a room with a sibling i never had my own room and shared with my sister till I moved out for college. However it is not just a place to sleep but also space in the house in general. The room his son is in now is smaller and could only hold one child. My daughters is a bit bigger but still would be a little difficult with two but doable. I am not saying I could not be done it is just not ideal and again does not fit in what I planned. Like I stated before I have major planning issues in general.
Like i said SS talks to someone at school weekly. As for the whining and crying I have put my foot down and the behavior has been addressed by me. My husband seems to cut him way more slack than I do in regards to his behavior which I do not agree with. For example he was rolling his eyes and sighing at me about sitting in a specific spot the other day. I said that you do not act like that and he started to cry. I know it is a mechanism his mother taught him because my husband said she acted like that all the time. But I did not let him get away with it nor did I coddle him to make him happy. I told my husband about it an he did not even say one word to him regarding it. That irritates me more than anything.
I know where my feelings stem from since I am just like my mom. I get my planning, control, and selfishness from her. What I wanted from a counsellor was to have a place to talk about what I feel. Trust me I am a huge advocate for counseling since I used to be one at a home here which is why I thought it would be good in the first place. .
O no, I feel sorry for you
O no, I feel sorry for you and that child, too!!! If I would be in your position I would be just as devastated as you- it would be my worst nightmare if SD 8 would stay with us full time as she also is so demanding and possesive of dad.Worse for you- it is all pretty new since he lived with mum.
And this is where I feel so sorry for SS- I can't imagine to leave my 9 year old son behind .Although she knows that her son is with his dad and you now I wonder how she could do that.And how sad for SS that his main care giver is not around anymore.I think all his whinging and whining comes from that feeling that mom left him behind!!
And you are expected to" clean up the mess", dealing with all that and change everything around.However, it is not his fault and his world was turned upside down.
I think clear rules will help him to adjust and if you can, don't show him he is not welcome as he has no other place to go.Leave out your frustration here and tell your husband about your feelings- he needs to bite the bullet and work harder to settle his son in and parenting him properly instead of just spoiling him.