Last night, STBX and I were talking about my job prospects (I have decided that as soon as I get a new job back in NY, I am leaving). I am hoping to get something at a university so that I can get my master's free w/ tuition reimbursement and have a few good prospects, but last night I was just kind talking outloud and said something about how maybe I will stay here in PA if I can get a job in academia here (right now I am in pharmaceutical communications). Anyway, he about flipped when I mentioned staying here and he said that he can't live here in the same town as me. I was like, umm...WHY? And he said, "I don't want to be your friend, or even know you exist. Once we are divorced I want to pretend that I never knew you." Part of me was laughing, thinking how ridiculous he was because I am making the choice to get the hell out of this terrible marriage and I don't WANT to be his friend, but part of me was sad for my DD who has known him as Daddy for the past 2 years. He has been Daddy from 5mo to 2+years and it breaks my heart that she loves him so and he could care less. He said he does love DD very much but that once we leave, he will no longer be a part of her life so out of sight out of mind. I told him that had the tables been turned, if I had raised SS for 2 years I would want to at least shoot an e-mail from time to time to see how he was. He was just SO angry. Said things like "You will never be a part of SS's life after you leave so don't try to contact me about him." Okay, that is NOT what I said...UGh. Why is he SO f#cking angry at me? Our failed relationship is NOT just on me. In fact, he is the most ungrateful, selfish, hypocritical, immature, irresponsible man I have ever met (and I have met some real doozies).

I am just feeling anxious now. I married this man MUCH too quickly and hastily and I don;t want this divorce to be the same. I KNOW that I am doing the right thing but for me, planning is key. I am biding my time but it feels as if I am in prison. Honestly, SS was here today and I just can't stand the sight of him anymore. He is spoiled and nasty and to watch DH run around after him to get him whatever he wants is enough to make you nauseous.

I am just hurt right now. Hurt that I allowed this man to take advantage of me when I was vulnerable, hurt that I did not bow out when I KNEW it was wrong, hurt that he lied to me and pretended to be someone he wasn't. I am hurt that all I have done for him and his son has gone unacknowledged and whenever I mention anything I have done I am yelled at for trying to get "a pat on the back." it has NEVER been about that. I am just mad that I wasted over 2 years of my life and my precious baby's life with this selfish man who doesn't care about anyone else. He admitted the other night that he feels no emotion for anyone. He has made me feel like I am a bad person and I am just so sick. I know I will be gone soon but it can't come soon enough.