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HOLY F@$&#% CRAP! O.o PLS read the WHOLE thing CAREFULLY before posting NEGATIVE COMMENTS...

lac925's picture

So we have SS12 and SD10 over for a week during their Christmas holidays. All was going good, the kids were enjoying their presents and whatnot. Then, TODAY (of course it has to be their last full day with us), SS12 goes all BAT SH*T on us! :O

Long story short, while DH was at work this afternoon, he broke one of our pool sticks/cues. The top 6 inches of it is just "snapped" off, so the pool cue is basically useless now. BS6 came upstairs and told me, and of course, I got upset - SS12 already broke the charger of his brand new tablet, so it wasn't that much of a surprise. Anyway, he came upstairs and all hell broke loose.

Instead of saying it was an accident (although if you ask me, and if you've ever played pool, there's NO way a pool cue can snap by "accident".Some degree of force had to have been used...Correct me if I'm wrong...), he started getting all defensive and angry. He started yelling at SD10 and BS6, threatened to physically harm her, he started throwing stuff at her (which bounced off of her to land near my BS2, who she was playing with...and who I promptly removed from that area), he threatened to "tell on me" to his mom who "doesn't like me"(again, no surprise - but I told him he could talk to her when DH came home), he claimed that WE were "being rude to HIM" and "hitting HIM", and "talking about HIM", and that he WASN'T threatening anyone...The list goes on and on. He just wouldn't stop - he would always look for fights and challenge us. I tried reasoning with him, asking him he was being like that (so angry), but he'd just turn his head or roll his eyes or make noises. A couple of times, I had to raise my voice (I know this wasn't the best thing to do, but it got so frustrating). I repeatedly told him that his kind of behaviour is unacceptable in our house, but he didn't care. We tried ignoring him, but it only spurred him on :? He finally started calming down after I called DH to tell him about it.

It got so frustrating that once I had DH on the phone, I broke down, I was so frustrated (even though I should've known better than to argue with a delusional 12-yr-old child!) Sad I have never been so disrespected in my life! I know he gets it from his mother, who talks like that to him all the time, so what should I expect, right?

Don't get me wrong, I did try to assert my "authority" with SS12 several times, but he thinks he's such a "tough guy" that he doesn't think he has to listen to anyone! My DH is the one I leave the real disciplining to, and I do not spank or hit any of the kids. Also, let me add that he DOES have ADHD (and yes, he DID take his medication that morning). He just sounded very delusional, playing the victim then turning around and threatening everyone. It was kind of scary :? How do you deal with kids who have this, while being fair and understanding of the condition? SS12 pretty much has the mentality of a 6-yr-old...

How do you SM's handle difficult skids? Has it ever gotten physical? How do you assert your authority as the stepmother? I tried using this tactic, but to no avail. I tried being firm, I tried ignoring his behaviour, I tried being reasonable (finding out why he was being that way), but nothing worked other than telling his dad. DH truck drives some days so there wasn't anything he could really do while on the road. I know SS12 was just "protecting" himself because he knew he was in trouble, but he wouldn't listen when I tried to calmly reason with him...This was just an eye-opening experience, and not one I'd care to re-live!

Please no negative or rude comments. I know it's MY house (which I DID state quite firmly), but this child is just so out-of-control sometimes. I'm looking for those who have experienced the same thing in the past, and who can perhaps shine some light on this situation and give me some advice (SS12 has never been this bad before). Thanks!

PS Let me also add that he HAS been in counseling before (not sure if he's still in it), but I don't think it really worked. BM is the type to do things just for image's sake, but not really follow up on it. The way SS12 was acting, my only thought was to get him into a Boys' Home or in some kind of Bootcamp program :O

Comments

Amara's picture

Um, wow. That's... astonishing. I have to say that I would think long and hard before allowing him near your biochildren again (especially the two-year-old). If he's going to go off like that on an adult with little to no provocation, there's no telling what he might do to a little child, and your biokid comes first.

simifan's picture

Not that I would allow a next time, but I would call the police. I would also record him show your DH & the cops. Knowing others will see your craziness will sometimes deescalate the situation. At the very least you will protect yourself when he lies and says you hit him.

I would not watch him alone again. DH will have to make other arrangements.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Put him in his room until dh gets there to deal with it. Call bm to come get him. Call dh to come get him...

queenofthedamned's picture

ugh I just had flashbacks of skid1, who also has ADHD and god knows what else. last year was rough with him. he got physical with FDH (gave him a black eye) and also then told a school counselor that FDH choked him for no reason. in reality FDH was trying to subdue an out of control tween who was violent, but that didn't stop the child abuse investigation.
what has worked with him is absolute consistency with FDH when it comes to discipline. oh, and the fact that other actions of his have resulted in him living at bm's and coming here for visitation. I can tolerate skid1 in small doses.
hugs girl. I have no advice and am just grateful that skid1's actions have resulted in him living with his mom and being around me a lot less.

omgsaveme's picture

My BS12 has ADHD and to my knowledge ADHD does not mean they have violent outbursts, neither does the medications have negative side affects that would make him flip out, again, that I'm aware of. If anything I think part of it may be hormones, and this is probably his usual behavior at home with his BM. You had every right to raise your voice, I think as soon as he started flipping out, I would have picked up the phone called DH and put him on speaker so he could hear everything that kid is doing.

So sorry that happened to you, and I hope your DH will handle that when he is home.

lac925's picture

I did call DH during this, and he could hear SS12 screaming from across the house (I was in the bedroom, and everyone else was in the living room)! There wasn't much he could do because he was truck driving at the time, on his way home. But he DID deal with SS12 when he got home, told him how disappointed he was in his behaviour. You can bet SS12 shut up THEN! He lost his tablet (which is brand new from Christmas) for the night, and was threatened with missing out on our summer cottage trip this year.

I doubt it'll help much because SS12 is ALWAYS like this. I'm just waiting for the angry texts from BM, but what's she gonna say? It was HER 12-yr-old son who could've hurt MY 2-yr-old and 6-yr-old. She'll have to own up to the fact that she's raising her son to be a delinquent...

queenofthedamned's picture

that list sounds A LOT like skid1. I've thought for a while he might have ODD. structure definitely works well for him.

lac925's picture

This sounds like SS12 EXACTLY! I think he WAS diagnosed with ODD as well a few years back, but we never really saw this kind of behaviour so we just kind of shrugged it off and chalked it all up to kids being kids. Obviously, it can't be shrugged off anymore :S

Thanks for this. It helps explain why he does what he does, and it's something to look into!

oneoffour's picture

Call the cops. Tell them this boy is out of control, you are his stepmother and scared for your child that you cannot leave him in the same room. Then leave it up to them. Let them haul his arse off to the precinct for his father to pick him up there.

And he needs to get into therapy. Obviously he is learning this somewhere. Not to mention his testosterone=one has increased by about 400% from the age of 8 until 12. He needs to work out that aggression before it REALLY gets him into trouble. When my ssons pulled the 'and my mother hates you.' badge out of their arses I always responded with "I know. And?"

lac925's picture

"Obviously he is learning this somewhere."

I-m so happy Yes. He's learning it from his mother! She's the exact same way, always calling the cops on someone and making up lies! SMH

omgsaveme's picture

I think too often people are so quick to automatically blame everything on some "disorder" are there any bad ass kids anymore or bad ass teenagers ? Or does the whole world who doesn't act accordingly have some kind of disorder ? An adult is lazy these days, they blame it on depression or bipolar, someone keeps their house really clean, they have OCD, a kid acts up and backtalks, he has this disorder that disorder etc etc.

When my kids used to go to daycare, there were so many moms that excused their kids behavior, by saying "oh he didn't take his medication today" "oh he did that today, maybe i need to take him back to the doctor and change his medication" I don't know your SS at all nor am I a physician, but perhaps he's just a spoiled brat who doesn't get disciplined? Does BM allow him to rule the house ? Let him get away with murder ? If he truly does not have any illness and continues this behavior you'll end up getting the "oh he has this disorder, so take it easy on him" "He can't control it" I would take him to professionals and get a 2nd or maybe even 3rd opinion without telling the doctors what the other doctors said. Im not trying to offend anyone, just voicing my opinion. Happy New Years to all

StayingDisengaged's picture

There is no reason for this dangerous kid to be in your care while your DH is not at home. None whatsoever. There is no law or requirement enforcing visitation with stepmoms in any jurisdiction I know of. This is a risk you are not required to assume. His behavior was upsetting, dangerous, irrational, and NOT okay. No matter what the cause, be it ADHD, ODD, or just plain selfish brattiness, you do not need to endanger the kids to whom you DO have a legal obligation just because your husband's kid is scheduled to be there when your husband isn't. Not to mention the danger you're putting yourself in! This kid could physically harm you. He could trump up allegations of abuse. He could tell God-only-knows what kind of lies to his BM or authorities. Protect yourself. Protect your babies. Insist that this policy lasts until his behavior is treated, modified, and brought back into healthy norms. Insist that this policy lasts until you have enough time to rebuild trust. Be safe and good luck!

lac925's picture

Thanks for all the support, ladies! I really appreciate it Smile

I DID actually video tape the first half of his tirade, which wasn't even close to the eye of the storm, but he does antagonize/threaten his sister and BS6 at least 15 times in half an hour! I just couldn't believe the way he was acting that night - he's usually the good one! I tried playing the sympathetic role, telling him how disappointed I was in his behaviour. I've known him since he was 4 (which he, of course, doesn't believe), and it broke my heart to see him being so heartless and angry like this.

One thing I did notice, though, is when I actually tried to talk to him (asking him why he's so angry), he kind of got taken by surprise and he couldn't answer me. He didn't know how to react when I stopped yelling at him. This shows me that his mother doesn't "talk" to him in a civil way, so he doesn't know how to respond to that. When they did a video chat the last time they were here, she pretty much "yelled" at him the whole time. She didn't speak "kindly" to him, if that makes sense. So his behaviour and the way he handles things is pretty much a result of that, and that's really sad.

I know it's probably all the above-mentioned causes: ADHD, ODD, living with a mother who does the exact same thing, adolescence. But whatever it is, I'm refusing to be alone with him in the future. Like others said, it could escalate to the point where he's physically harming the rest of us, and then what?

Anyway, they went home today, so I can finally relax in my own home Smile I just feel bad for SD10 who has to LIVE with him! He is verbally abusive towards her and she doesn't deserve that, even though sometimes she DOES aggravate him.

What a way to bring in the New Year! :S