Need advice on situation
My step son is 13 and have been in his life since he was 5. He is with my wife and I biweekly and goes to his dads every other week. My relationship with my stepson has always been very rocky.
Ive come to realize I have a lot of resentment and anger from over the years. Years of him crying and having fits about every little thing. Being over dramatic constantly. Acting immature. Most of all, being ungrateful towards my wife and I but is with his father.
His father for a better lack of terms is a legit sociopath, minus the crimes. Very manipulative, Ted Bundy like to the public but behind closed doors and through communication is a snake and a monster. But my stepson idolizes him because it's his dad.
I've always wanted what is best for him, but for his own sick reasons, his dad has blocked it. Such as mental health medication, therapy, school help, etc. While some of those things have finally come into play now, not all of them have and it is incredibly frustrating.
I've been trying for years off and on to spend positive time with my stepson doing sports or playing something together. I often find it hard to stay consistent as I do find myself carrying these feelings about him and his father/the whole situation in its entirety. Furthermore my wife has always felt the need to overcompensate love for him so I have always felt the need to be more of an enforcer.
Recently I blew up on him, yelling and called him a name. I feel bad about it and know there's no taking it back. Not to mention my wife rightfully so is upset about it. One thing I realized with this whole situation is my lack of natural supports around it as I can't really talk with her about my frustrations about the situation.
I know this post is all over the place and may not give clarity in certain areas and my apologies for that as I am just collecting my thoughts. I appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you.
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You came to the right place
If you read around on Steptalk, you will hear thousands of step-parents talking about aggravating children, confessing to blowing up out of frustration, wanting to do a good job, craving love or at least respect, feeling sad because issues with the child are affecting their relationship with their spouse - in short, you are among friends here.
I don't know the answer to your situation but disengagement has worked for many. If you go to that section in Forums, you might be able to tell if that could work for you. When my YSS15 and DH disregarded my efforts, that's what I did. I quit doing anything for him, quit going to his games, seldom talked to him. I wasn't nasty, just stayed out of it and let my DH do it all. They frankly seemed relieved. Maybe it would work for you. Good luck.
I recommend you get
I recommend you get counseling for your, it will help immensely. I plan on going back, it is a safe outlet for the negative emotions.
As far as your SS goes, your wife failed him. My ex is very similar and spent all his time trying to undermine me as a parent.
I will never forget spending years when my DS was younger, redirecting, grounding, correcting his behaviors. Getting him involved in activities with his peers and positive male role models who were tough on him because that's what he needed. He did judo and wrestling starting age age 6.
I hated it, I hated always having to be the heavy and never getting to just enjoy being a parent. But years later DS is 13 and I couldn't ask for a better, charming, kind and loving child.
Welcome - Is it possible that
Welcome - Is it possible that dad sets limits and that's why he's more respectful there? Or does dad talk bad about your wife and try to turn the kid against you both?
Where is your wife on parenting her son and addressing some of the behavioral issues? Why was it YOU who wanted him on meds and in therapy and not her? And if she did, why didn't she fight for that, going to court if necessary?
At this point, all you owe the kid is to be civil, so disengage and let your wife handle the parenting (or not). Don't allow the kid to be rude to you, but don't try to fix him or parent him, either.