Does it ever go away !!!!!
I think I may be a regular visitor now. Things with Melanie are still the same. She is out on her own now and due to be married next August. We still have a volatile relationship. To add fuel to the fire, my bio son, who is disrepectful and a know it all, threatened to "beat the sh*!" out of my husband (Melanie's father) for requesting a monthly payment on a car loan we co-signed for him 4 months ago. Well Melanie decided that she was going to take my son into her condo as a border! Now this is a toxic relationship and my son does not socialize with the greatest of people (his half-brother is a drug dealer). But Melanie feels a bond with Eric because her father feels the same way about my son as she feels about me. Eric is 25 and has worked 6 months since he graduated from welding school 5 years ago. We have only done the "bare minimum" for him (so he says) But we paid for his training, equipment, I flew him across the country to find a good job, paid for his housing and food until he found one and when he came home and needed to look for a job here, we took out a loan for the car, which he calls a piece of sh*!. So unappreciative. So now we are covering a car loan, insurance, and various other things. Well to continue the story, Melanie gets involved, and stated the same thing. "You were a horrible stepmother" "Ofcourse I feel resentment, you have done nothing for me" blah, blah, blah. Now my original e-mail to her was basically admitting my errors, and letting her know that she is lucky to have terrific family support for her wedding" None of your business, etc, etc. Her e-mail was so malicious that it kept me awake for two nights. I am fuming. And, then she states to my husband that if he takes my side on this. she no longer wants to speak with him. Now I have to live with the guilt of breaking up their relationship? I have suggested a family counsellor. She just blows things way out of proportion and has bad mouthed me to so many people that even family functions are difficult for me. I am so fed-up of this garbage, I want to move far away from her. I hate to say it but I cannot stand the girl any longer.
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Comments
Ugh
Sounds like a lot of growing up needs to be done for both those kids. If Eric is 25 and Melanie is old enough to be married, it sounds like they are both old enough to make their way in the world with no help from their parents. Pardon me, but they sound like spoiled, entitled brats. I feel for you and am really happy your husband stepped up to the plate and supported you. You shouldn't feel guilty - remember it is his choice. That is what marriage is about. Sounds like what they are doing is emotional blackmail, like Catalina mentioned. Badmouthing and threatening to get what one wants are pretty immature actions. If I were you, I'd just stop the dole, stop communication if they are rude, and move on with your lives. Take back the car, shut off the insurance, change your e-mail and don't accept that kind of treatment. It will be hard, but maybe you'll sleep better in a while. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, but it seems to be a common thread with SMs. My hope is that someday these kids will see what they have done and gain a little compassion for you/us. But I won't hold my breath! Take care, come often, vent.
Since giving them everything doesn't make any difference...
...Give them nothing and see how they like that.
I see how much I have to look foward to when my skids reach "adulthood." If they don't appreciate me know when I'm doing everything for them, I'm sure they'll appreciate me even less when I won't do anything for them because they are grown.
I see my future in your blog.
Still no resolution
Well my husband decided to speak with Melanie yesterday. Everything directed at patching the relationship between him and her. No apology to me, no mention of anything. My husband basically sat there and explained and or justified any comment I made in the e-mail and on the other end she would agree or disagree. She totally refused the family counsellor offer and stated the she accepts the way things are so best left as they are. Oh... except that when I offered to help her do some of the wedding planning in a e-mail sent to her before this disagreement (I am a graphic designer aside from my regular job). She told her father she would call me if she feels the need to. So basically as long as everything is OK with "Daddy" she doesn't give a shit about how I feel. And, now I have to sit at a wedding reception I don't want to be at feeling uncomfortable because Melanie has bashed my character to 30% of her guests. My husband still has yet to make restitution with my son, but I can't expect him to especially after he had threatened to "beat him up" Car insurance has been cancelled and we are making plans to pick it up along with the keys. Our son is not allowed to return to this house. I think Tom may back down on that decision related to Melanie since things are OK with him. My other daughter Melissa, who is still at home attending University is worried how this will affect Tom and I. Melanie does not speak with Melissa and Melissa has made peace with that decision (jealousy issue). I on the other hand, still have knots in my stomach. Tom thinks now everything is fine. It's not. I have purchased this book on "forgiveness" and I was thinking that to release myself from all of my feelings of dislike for the girl, I should just apologize to her for not always being a great step-mother, point out that she was a cause as well, be cordial and wash my hands of the whole thing. But I am thinking that all this will never go away and that one day I will lose the support of Tom and yet another incident will appear to cause friction as long as Tom and I are together. The knot is still there and I cannot stand the girl. Is this normal for a stepmother? I feel sorry for me...I am not all that bad....really.
Ouch!!!
What a crummy situation you are in. I would feel very lonely and isolated, so I understand I think how you feel. Here's the deal from my perspective, you have two grown kids, (step,bio,no matter) and you have a marriage. I would start first with my husband and have a conversation about how he feels and what his thoughts are. Sometimes I go out on that proverbial ledge and there is no going back. He might see things a little differently and help you ease back in. Or you may help him understand your perspective too and not leave you on the ledge alone.
Also, don't bother extending yourself to your SD for her wedding. She obviously doesn't want to think nice things about you and even though you are trying to be nice and very generous, she wouldn't appreciate it anyway. And you know what, you have a right to not attend that wedding if you don't want to however it might cause more harm.
I would feel the same way about attending the wedding and thinking everyone was giving you a hairy eyeball. But, I have heard ugly things about people before but when I met them, I wondered if the person saying them wasn't a little negatively biased. Show up looking beautiful with a big smile on your face. You only have to be there for a couple of hours and you don't have to be a prominent figure.
Finally, don't beat yourself up too much. You have two ungrateful difficult adult children. You've done your work even if they think you did a bad job, you don't have that job anymore. What is that saying, the past is over, the future is uncertain but the present is a gift we give ourselves. Make the present wonderful and make sure your husband is playing on your team.