How do you disengage and how did your DH/SO react to it?
I've read on here how some have disengaged from the skids and it has saved their marriage. Has it ever destroyed someone marriage? (maybe those aren't on here anymore to tell).
I get so sick and tired of hearing from my DH that I'm mean to SD, that I don't care about SD, etc. I have for the past 6 years taken care of SD more then he has. I have provided for financially. I cook for her, clean her room, do her laundry, help her with her homework, listen to her (even when she goes on and on about BM that I really don't feel like hearing about), watch her while DH goes out with his friends (I guess I'm not mean then to leave her alone with me). Its never enough though. I would buy her clothes, gifts, souveniers if i come back from à trip. Yet again its not enough.
I dont like being around SD anymore, because of DH and BM. I'm tired of how SD acts around me. I've been in her life since she was 2, she's almost 8 now. We were actually a lot closer when she was more little. The older she gets the more I can tell she is being completely manipulated (that happened when she was little too, but now it has a bigger effect on her). I can tell she feels like she needs to stay more loyal to BM as well.
I can tell she starts to act more and more like BM too. I know that normal since that is her mother.
I'm just so tired of nothing ever being enough, of always being accused, of being told I'm mean, that SD is terrified of me (again not when he goes out or not when she comes to ask me for stuff).
I've told DH already before that I don't want to take care of SD anymore since he makes it out to be that I'm not good enough for her and I keep getting accused of stuff. I told him he barely (almost never) helps out with our dd2 and ds11 months. Why would I keep helping him out with SD. When I told him that ofcourse it was all turned around on me that I dont care about SD, that I'm mean. He told me before that our marraige was over if I would threathen him with not watching SD anymore.
I can understand that if he works that I should watch her, but I get so sick of the way I get treated and our kids gets treated. I don't need to get treated like crap and bow down for him and his golden child.
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Your SD is younger, so its a
Your SD is younger, so its a bit more difficult because it sounds like you do a lot of caretaking.
One thing I can tell you is that it sounds like verbally expressing yourself is getting you no where but in trouble. This is usually the case. You end up looking like the bad guy.
When I finally set myself on the path to fully disengage, I took it a little bit at a time. Stopping one or two things here and there. I didn't tell SO anything, I just left things up to him. My skids are older though so they can fend for themselves more easily. Plus I hardly ever watched them for SO. When he did try to stick me with them alone (just leaving with one skid and the other one stayed) I would leave the house immediately. BUT they were teens, not 8 so you obviously can't do that.
Start with the easy stuff and just don't announce every little thing. Stop making purchases for her. If she really needs something, tell her to ask her dad for it. If he comes to you, just say "oh you should pick that up for her then" No need to be spiteful (that's where we get ourselves in to trouble and accused of being mean) Everything you do is normal and matter of fact. Next on the list, no need to have long conversations with SD. You can go do something else when she's talking. Eventually she'll figure out no one is listening. Then stop doing other things like cleaning her room (actually that would go first on my list) and doing homework with her. Dad should be doing that stuff if he wants it done-- or making her do it.
After a while when you have been able to incorporate all the small things in disengagement, then work on the big stuff. Find a way to stop having to watch her while DH is at work. Or, sometimes you can't get out of that, but she'll get old enough to take care of herself at some point and it won't be an issue.
In any case, all I can say is that you HAVE to remove emotion from it all or it becomes "you're being mean". When I disengage and act like all is normal nothing is wrong, SO doesn't have anything he can say. He just has to take care of his kids.
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. I'll try doing it step by step. I know it's not going to be easy that way either, because I will still be accused of being mean to her. When DD was born I made DH do more for SD and I did less then I use to. He got mad about that. I had my hands full with my newborn that was crying all the time and up all the time.
Once when my DD was only a couple of weeks old, I was still helping out with SD. I was spending less time with her, but still doing her laundry, making sure she had something to eat, etc. One day I did laundry but I had thrown it on her bed and wasn't able to fold it and put it away. My DH saw the laundry on the bed and asked why I didn't put it away. When I said cause I didnt had the time he told me that if she was my own daughter I would've done it. I got so sick of those bitchy little comments. At the same time my DD's laundry and ours was also piled up.
I do admit when we get into our arguments and I get accused I tell him to take care of her himself which leads into bigger fights. I sometimes do want to be spiteful then and show him what he does to me. I've noticed he doesn't get it though.
I don't know if it saved my
I don't know if it saved my marriage but it sure did make DH see the light about his child and see her for who she really is! He wasn't able to hide his head in the sand anymore.
I'm sorry it isn't working
I'm sorry it isn't working for you. I can tell you that I went through a phase of SO getting upset with me about disengagement. Just because he's up their asses doesn't mean I have to be. The problem was I thought that's how it was supposed to be at first then I backed off.
When I have gotten any other reactions from him, I just say "I don't understand what I'm doing that is upsetting you"
Sounds like maybe your SO doesn't like having to be the one doing all the work? Not sure.
I disengaged for a small
I disengaged for a small amount of time. Pretty much the amount of time it took SD7 to completely destroy the house and DH to ignore it. I found in my situation with SD's mental illness or whatever it may be, I cannot disengage without putting my home, animals or, at this point, life at risk. I think you have to look at your situation and make the decision as to whether or not disengaging will help or hinder your relationship. If nothing else, give it a whirl for a short time and see what happens.