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Glutten for punishment??

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 6:55pm

Now, I feel comfortable to say I have a real reason to be here, not just as an ex-SM (reason I joined in 2009 under old name - ex knows that account and I forgot name!).

I have been seeing a guy a little while...he is great, BUT he has a son. His son is 22, but I know from being here that may not mean much! Also, obviously I have BS6 so may need some reality checks too save BF from me! We are taking it slowly, but he has started mentioning introductions - I am scared. With my previous 4 skids (they were 1,4, 7 and 12 then) I had no fear because I was stupid and unaware of what I was walking into - now I am gun shy.

With an adult skid what should I be looking out for? What are the major pitfalls...seems girls are worse than boys. BF and ex were together 13 years, BF had son very young, but made best of it. What questions should I be asking him?

Comments

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 7:24pm

At 22 his son should be totally self-supporting. So the things that I would like to know have to do with money.

My SS is in his late 20s and is a train wreck. The only reason my marriage is not a train wreck is because we give SS zero money. No "helping" him get a car, place to live, groceries, etc.

No co-signing ever.
No moving in.
No funding activities, etc.

Now if this is even a semi-normal 22 year old MAN he would not want to keep coming to "Daddy" to bail him out.

What is there relationship? Is the son there under your feet - or is a mature young man who is leading his own life.

What does you BF feel about providing for adult children? Does he still feel like he should be the provider?

Does the young man have his feet on the ground? Has he either gone to school or entered a field with on the job training? Does he have a girlfriend who is going to pressure him for "Daddy" to help them?

How does the young man treat others? This is not a deal breaker for you and your BF but it could impact how much you might want him and his date/so to be at your home or to do things with you.

In other words - does he have a healthy relationship with his adult son?

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 7:31pm

Thank you for your reply - now I have an idea of what to ask. I know his son went to University (the best known in the State probably - a state school), graduated last year. He is working, but not in his field, as there were no openings. Not spoken about him in great detail (a conversation I plan on having...hence posting here).

My BF lives alone, he is moving next month, and his son does not live with him, but visits frequently. I now know what our next conversation will be!

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 7:35pm

Check out the adult stepchildren issues forum. Barring some disability/mental issue, your ss should be independent.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

Submitted by dontcallmestepmom on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 8:00pm

I have the same rules as oldone, but my DH has 3 kids-ages 19-23. DH and I married last year, but before we did so, I made him promise that we are NEVER supporting them, nor are they moving in. Even though we have NO space in our home, their nastiness and refusal to do anything productive was my reasoning. I saw from the beginning that all they want is my husband's money, of which he does NOT have a lot. I have been out of work for awhile due to job loss and illness, and there is no way we we are giving them money-we could not if we wanted to. 2 of them have never worked. One will only work pt. They have never gone to school. They just want to eat and play video games all day.

BM raised them to think that the world revolves around them, and now she is stuck with them. I don't ever see them moving out unless they become homeless, which is something I can see happening. What I also see is them continuing to choose to live like trash. BM does not work either and is relying on her aunt to support all of them. BM has been pushing for them to move in with us. NOT ever happening.

You will learn a lot by watching your guy with his son. When I first met DH, he was enabling so badly. He finally stopped when they got crazy. It was constant texts and Facebook messages demanding money. I met 2 of them and realized they have no clue, and they were rude and cold to me and DH.

If your guy's son is working and trying to help himself, that is great. You want to watch out for him lying around all day or always asking for money or things. I think if a parent has the money and wants to help ONCE in a while, that is fine, but be wary of the "kid" who is always needing "help." Also, my DH's kids are very immature and have no social skills because they think they are wonderful and we are all stupid. They told me I am stupid for having a Masters degree and debt, and they think DH is stupid for working so hard. Makes me sick.

I think if the son is always around and/or always calling/texting, you may have a problem. Just feel it out and see how it goes. I hope he is a nice one, and you don't have to worry. But, definitely give it time, because sometimes they can change. My DH's kids were nasty from the beginning, but when he and I moved in together, they freaked out and got even worse.