BM Upping the Ante
We had SD10 for Christmas. I had a bad feeling about her playing with my nieces and nephews because when anything doesn't go her way she is always making something up or blowing it out of proportion. As I was packing my kids up to leave my Niece11 told me that SD got a new phone for Christmas. I asked if she had it. She didn't know but she said she didn't see it.
This week I'm coming in from the kitchen and sitting in SD10's pocket is a phone as she is sitting on my couch from the living room. I asked her about it. She slowing slid it back in her pocket and had a deer stuck in headlights look. I asked her if she remembered the rules in my house. She shooknher head yes. I called DH in. He told her not to bring it or there would be consequences. (He'll probably give her milk and cookies). He then steps on the porch to smoke.
He closed the front door but I went to open it and told him not to leave me in a room by myself with her because this is leading up to it being said I threw SD10 across the room because of the phone. He stares at me in disbelief but ever since this BS started I have been telling him this same thing. I thought it was going to be that DH touched her in a bad way. I'm seeing now it is going to be that I hit her.
About an hour later, my niece calls me and asks me to come get my 2 year old (DD2 had been spending the day with her cousins). When I get there I told my sister about what happened. My niece then informed me that SD said she was going to bring it last week because even tho I said it wasn't ok to bring it her mom said it was just on case I put my hands on her.
I knew it.
Thank God I had already called a lawyer about all this. I go tell DH what was said. He looks all shocked. has gone palewhite. I told her that just like she respects her moms rules she will respect mine. Her mom doesn't get to tell her which rules she has to follow or not.
After we drop SD off it turns in to big argument with DH. He says he always feels stressed when she comes over. I wish I would have said it's because the sotuation is sonbad and you have your head in the sand thinking it is going to blow over. What I actually said is that you, your stress and your daughter can go do your visitation somewhere else becauae I'm not here for the pity party. Then he gets mad.
"Well I'm just going to tell her she cant come over any more because it stresses me out"
"Is that a punishment for me? I'm trying to figure out how this is supposed to hurt my feelings"
*him, clearly angry* "When we get to court I'm just going to tell the judge that I forfeit my visitation"
He has said all this before and normally I take the bait and say that that's not my intent. Blah blah, best for the kids, blah, blah, but thatvwas before I knew that I was very specifically being spied on because BM is setting SD up to be scared of me.
The only thing I can tie this to is when SD dragged my DD across the yard because she was upset about not going to her softball practice and I told her not to drag my child. It's been escalating ever since. I confronted DH about that as well. BM is definitely trying to be the only parent here by setting it up so that everyone is afraid of saying anything to SD. That might work for DH but she just won't be in my house. I'm through with her. Washed my hands. See ya mama in court.
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You may seriously want to
You may seriously want to consider a couple of nanny cams. You know that your DH is not going to forfeit his time. He "threatened" that before and you backed down like you were supposed to. This time you did not so it is time to move on to "I always knew that you hated my kid!" These things have a pretty standard progression. Be prepared for depression and the pity party too. So be prepared to protect yourself against any false claims of abuse by having the nanny cams in place. Once she actually makes a false claim, THEN you will have every right to say "keep her out of here because I am NOT going to jail over your brat" but not until and be prepared for your relationship to potentially end if he does not see the danger you are in. There are some men who will let their children accuse people - including them - of terrible things and still keep them coming back.
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I'm definitely getting the nanny cams
But I think I'm ready to end the relationship before I get to that. Since I wrote the post earlier I ha e really been thinking about what it is that DH does for me. I didn't marry him for financial stability, I make at least 5 times more than him. I married him because I genuinely loved him as a person and the emotional support of having him in my corner. But all the times that I really needed him he has faltered. Having an emergency C section, wasn't physically there or emotionally. Damn near taunted me saying he knew it was going to happen. All this CPS stuff is opening old wounds from my childhood, he woyld rather argue about how stressed this makes him. I try to support him through it but anything that looks like trying to rein in the situation is met with forceful blow back.
I'm still young and can find a man to be in a relationship with. I don't have to waste all my young years on a man that doesn't appreciate them. The life I envisioned for myself didnt involve having CPS investigations or hostile baby mothers. I can save me and my kids and he can go down that hole of looking for love where it doesnt exist by himself. I can't let his willful defiance of standards tear my life in two, living in a state of surveillance in my own home. Its too much.
Agreed - you should not have
Agreed - you should not have to live in fear in your own home. He can take visitation with SD elsewhere, and if he put your marriage first, he would do that. If he doesn't, he's putting you and your DD at risk.
It sounds like
It sounds like there is a lot more there than just the issues with your SD. Frankly, it appears that you have made some decisions already but just needed to get things off your chest. I wish you good luck in moving forward!
This isn't our first go
This isn't our first go around with BM. But there are other issues. Every time a major thing happens it's like I'm increasingly on my own. I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm in a relationship by myself. We could weather through this one as well but he never wants to talk, only makes excuses never takes any action but wonders why his situation never changes. I'm just tired of being alone together.
The kid doesn't need a phone
The kid doesn't need a phone to do any of that. She could simply wait until she gets back with her mom and tell her then. The results would be the same.
I completely understand the concern about false allegations. Lying about abuse is an absolute, nonnegotiable relationship deal breaker for me. No matter how much I love a man, I will not put my career, license, pension...at risk for him.
Exactly where I am. I can
Exactly where I am. I can love you at a safe distance that doesn't destroy my life and what I've worked for.
Hell no any stepkid
Making false allegations of abuse for fun i would never let in my home. Hubby can have visits outside the home. Its too much of a risk and sk doesn’t understand or turns a blind eye to the fact your kid can be taken away by child services or you arrested etc, thats a situation you should have never been put in the first place and your husband should have seen this on day 1
BM is looking for a way to
BM is looking for a way to get DH out of SD's life and is trying to use the abusive step mom sterotype to do it. We did have a conversation earlier and he does seem amenable to at least talking. He's upset now that I disengaged from this (years ago). While I understand it is disheartening to have a spouse that doesn't love your child like you do I did remind him it wasn't always this way and he should take a look at how we got here.
BM is going to keep this up
Until she end visitation of SD with DH. That is the direction this is going. SM is playing it that way. Your DH is afraid of SD. That why he is going to let her do what she wants, he is not going to inforce any rules with her. He never insists on perfessional help for SD. Just rug sweeping. It going to go away !!!
You are going to be hurt when this all blows up. Your DH does not have your back, He wants a happy family with you and SD, your Bios and himself. Unfortunately this is not going to happen, when SD gets rewarded by BM.
This is the time to draw the line in the sand. And let him know this will never happen. You have to have him see SD outside the home. There is no reason to leave your home, not to deal with SD. It’s his kid he handle it. This will get worst before it gets better.
Maybe BM wants him back with her, Her way ?
Not sure why SD is allowed in
Not sure why SD is allowed in your house. Can DH ever see her in MIL or someone else’s house?
My OSD makes false molestation and sexual abuse accusations against all kind of people claiming they are molesting SGD (not against us yet).
Recently it was against my DH’s female cousin who babysat her. Basis for accusations is that child repeats vulgar statements. Well the reason she does is because how OSD talks around her.
Anyways DH and I can lose our professional licenses if we get accused of things so we will never be alone wuth SGD. At big event at dinner table sure, never alone and never in our house. We aren’t risking it. Until SGD reaches age when she can have a voice. Why are you allowing SD in your home if accusations were untrue?
False Accusations
Toxic Feral Eldest, now 19.5, she started her lies at around 15. First it was taking the truth and twisting for dramatic effect. Then it became complete falsifications. Like the time she told me she hated me, called me an effing b!tch, and other not so nice names, and then going to her mothers and telling Toxic Troll that I was the one who said all those thngs (even in front of Munchkin SD12 and DH) - mother didnt bat an eyelash, just asked DH if it were true, and didnt bat an eyelash when he said no thats not true it was Toxic Feral Eldest who said all that.
Then the stealing. through these past 4.5 years, Ive been telling DH it would get worse, and it would spread into his family. Guess what? It did. Toxic Feral Eldest recently levvied accusations of her uncle (DH's older brother) and aunt. Long ago, I made a point of disengaging due to the lies, and accusations. The worst thing she said about me is that I was rude to her and "harrassed her through her bedrom door one time". LOL.
But videoing you, without your permission, accusations that could ruin your life - those are deal brakers if not dealt with appropriately by all involved. Your MIL and DH are putting you and yours in danger.
Time for an exit stage left.