i found this site after googling "step parent support groups," because crap, i need some perspective sometimes.

so here's the scoop. i'm stepmother to two boys, 5 and 8, and birth mother of three boys, 5, 6, and 9 - it's been almost 5 years since i split with the ex, and in all that time i had full custody of my kids.

last year i met a great guy who was in the process of splitting with his second wife (one kid with her, of whom he has full custody, and one with first wife, who has custody but lives just around the corner). we lived hours apart, but we became very close and once he split with his wife 2, we started dating. this was during the summer, while my kids were at my ex's.

at the end of the summer, after almost 5 years, my ex flipped out and decided not to return my kids. after we split, he floated around for a long time pretty much seeing the kids whenever he felt like it - he threw a fit when i went back to college, but i drove 6 hour round trips and slept on friends' couches to give him every other weekend with them, once he was settled with new GF.

after i graduated and tried to move to continue school (he was not in a location where graduate school was reasonable, much less a decent job) he refused to even talk to me about custody and finally i just left - yeah, not good, i know, but we are still legally married, thanks to the fact that we're both too broke to hire lawyers, so there's nothing illegal about it. i drove myself almost into bankruptcy making sure they spent the summers with him.

but that means there's no legal recourse for me now, until i can hire a lawyer. i'm still exhausting every possible option and getting nowhere...while trying to finish my master's degree, take care of a house i own in another town, and being SM to one full-time and one part-time stepkid.

my ex and the SM have all but denied me the right to talk to my children. it's been 9 months and i've only been able to reach them by phone a handful of times. my ex even changed his phone number and it took months of browbeating friends and family members for someone to give in and give me the new number. it's nearly impossible for my ex and i to talk without screaming at each other, even after 5 years. the SM, she's ok, and i'm glad my kids have her in their life, but we're not friends. it's like they want me to just go away.

the stepkids' BMs, on the other hand...my guy's wife1 (who lives close) is friendly, cooperative, not the brightest bulb in the tree but not mean. wife2 is batshit insane. she's convinced he left her for me (not true) and that i ruined her life; when he said he wanted to split with her, she demanded to go to her mother's apartment a state away(where she still is 6 mo later) and was shocked when he didn't let her take their son. she rants, raves, accuses, talks trash where everyone can hear, lies, and generally makes me ill.

we drive down as often as we can afford to and let the boy spend a weekend with BM, and she wants him this summer. but he comes back acting like a spoiled brat. i remember this syndrome well from when my kids went to their dad's...different rules, spoiling because the parent doesn't see them often, and it takes a while for the kid to settle back down to house rules. the kid went last weekend, and came back sick (lovely, thanks) and this week has been hell.

i'm a devoted BM/SM, but i also don't take crap. when you live in a house full of small boys, they have to listen OR ELSE - there's no other option besides losing your mind. my guy...well...he's more likely to give in than to fight, and it drives me CRAZY. i just manage to get the SKs to listen, and then the older one goes back to his BM and the younger one goes off to BM for a visit and then they come back and i have to start all over again, and sometimes i feel like my guy undermines my authority by giving in after i've said no, or fudging the rules after i've made them...

and how much authority does a SM need, anyway? it *is* my house too, and i help care for and support those SKs, and i love them dearly and want them to behave. the youngest is going on 6, and in kindergarten, and is getting notes from the teacher because he acts like a 2-year-old. spoiled. BM never laid down any rules, just gave him what he wanted when he screamed. i've managed to undo some of that with love and firm boundaries, but it doesn't stick when his dad doesn't support me.

and i miss my own kids so badly. SKs aren't *MY* kids. i love them for who they are, but they don't replace the children i gave birth to, that my ex stole. sometimes i have to walk away and hide because it's too much. sometimes i can't sleep because i can't stop thinking. yeah, i need therapy, too, yet another thing i can't afford at the moment. the joys of trying to live on a grad student's budget. it was never meant to carry a BM/SM of *5* boys through all the legal and psychological issues of a double divorce.

sometimes i just need to know there's other people out there who understand, you know?