What's my problem? Got any Advice for me?
I'm not sure if this issue is just me being bitter - and if that's the case, maybe someone reading this can help by giving me some tips on getting over it..
I can't stand to see pictures or items of my boyfriends "past life" as it were. Sometimes he'll come across photos or other nostalgia from when he and his ex-wife and daughter were a happy family.
"aww look at these old photos I found [of sd14] on this old computer drive. Look how tiny she was"
:sick: I'm sorry - are my eyeballs rolling back into my head a sign of "oh, show me 700 MORE photos of this kid that doesn't even like me!"
Um, it ain't MY kid - I don't want to look at old pictures of her. Sorry, I'm about as interested in that as a co-worker would be in seeing 700 pictures of your new baby. Just.Don't.Care. I mean, it's bad enough her pictures are ALL over the house. No pictures of ME or me and him - just a billion pictures of this kid that I had no hand in creating. The ONLY picture of ME in the entire house is one I PUT in the bedroom of us together. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it normal?
Also when I DO look at those old pictures and I see items of furniture or items from his marriage - all that makes me want to do is set things on fire. "Oh, is that the same entertainment center.. don't you think maybe it's time to get a new one?" (I moved to a new state to live in his house, the one they purchased when they were together)
So...
Last night he came home from some school thing his kid was in and I guess his ex gave him a stack of old pictures of HIM. He excitedly handed them to me so I could check them out. There were like 50 pictures his ex had taken of him throughout their dating & marriage. There were a couple pictures of him and his brother that didn't bother me - but the rest were just a bunch of pictures of him - most without a shirt on.. some in a bathtub? WTF? I asked him point blank if these were sex pictures and why the hell would he think I'd want to see this. He said they weren't - maybe he just didn't wear a shirt a whole lot back then? That's not the point. The point I guess is why would I want to look at a bunch of pictures of him TAKEN BY HER - back when they were together. Even if she isn't in any of them - I don't care. Burn em, as far as I'm concerned. Now the pictures with his other family members I was actually interested in looking at.
Then he always seems so butt-hurt by the fact that I'm not near as interested or excited about his little "blast from the past."
Maybe I should start showing him a million pictures of me with my ex-lovers or pictures my ex-lovers have taken of me. "He really caught the essence of my character in this photo of me in this bathtub... we had so much sex that night...I mean we really had so much sex the night of this photo. You couldn't even imagine. I think I'll frame this one"
It's not so much the idea of someone having a life BEFORE I came along. That's not it at all. It's more that he has already done all the important life things we all look forward to.. with someone else. He's already bought his first house.. with her. Already had his first child.. with her. Already got married.. with her. etc. etc. etc.
I'm sorry, but as far as I'm concerned his KID is already a constant reminder that he has an ex, and that she exists and will forever be a part of his life. I don't need photos and trinkets and furniture around the house as a constant reminder.. the kid is enough.
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I used to have this same
I used to have this same problem. When DH moved in with me he brought along a TON of photo albums with him, BM and baby SD7. I told him I did not want them in my house, I did not want to see them, etc. Finally, thanks to a friend of mine, I came up with a compromise. I took my own pictures of SD (she was 2 at the time) and had them framed for him. These photos are only in the 'family' room and no where else. I will not allow them in the bedroom. The photos of him and BM and SD7's birth, etc. are in her room with her books. SD7 has been told that the albums are to stay in her bedroom. So far there have been no issues and I have not had to see them for about 3 years. I'm ok with SD having photos of when her mom and dad were unhappily married (hehe). I'd just prefer never to see them. And I felt better with taking my own photos of SD and having them framed for him (did it for his bday) rather than having to stare at the baby pictures from 'back then'. SD7 didn't and still doesn't like me, but it was more about giving in to a compromise for DH.
I like this idea very much.
I like this idea very much. We do part of this as well, her pictures with her mom are only in her room - and none of her are in our bedroom. But the hallway and living room are full of her pictures. I used to do a bit of photography back when I lived in Los Angeles, so I offered to take pictures of her and my BF's nephews - and tried to coordinate a photo day. Well I guess she ended up not wanting to do it because her mom was working at a photo studio at the time so in her silly little teenage mind that was competition I guess. Shortly after she brought home even more "studio" photos for her dad to put up. Ick. Back fired in my face.
I'd think you'd be interested
I'd think you'd be interested in seeing pics of him when he was younger. My SO and I share old pics of each other, and yes some have ex in them. Face it they had a life before you...and you had a life before him. If this bothers you so much, perhaps you should rethink being with someone who has been married before.
I don't think, and correct me
I don't think, and correct me if I am wrong lilsadone, that it's an issue of having seen them once, it's having to see them daily. And jealousy is a normal, healthy part of life, it's how you handle those feelings that make it or break it. When my SD first found the albums, she wanted daddy to hang up all the pictures of him kissing her mommy's belly when she was pregnant, him holding mommy's belly and kissing her, etc... Life before me or not, I should not have to see them on a daily basis. I don't have pictures of me and my exes hanging up all over the place. I'm ok with seeing pictures of SD when she was little, it is just 99.9% of them are lovey dovey photos of him and BM with SD. I think lilsadone is having a perfectly normal reaction to something men and women in our positions typically deal with. If you, Hanny, are ok with these pictures being framed and strung all over the house, that is fine. But many people I know would rather not have to see that day in, day out.
Correct. It's the daily thing
Correct. It's the daily thing that is getting to me. On top of him showing me pictures on his computer, or old photos - they're in the living room, in the entertainment center, in the bookcases, on the desks where the computers are in the office area, in the hallway, they were on the fridge in the kitchen - and I took those on the fridge down only because they kept getting knocked off because it was cluttered. They were also in the main bathroom and our bedroom when I first got here - but I asked those be removed in the bedroom. And I guess she got sick of seeing her own face in the main bathroom and removed those on her own (it's considered her bathroom when she's here) - so that was her call. I even got 2 collage type frames for the hallway (part of my "hopeful" redecorating in an effort to feel more at home) so that he would be forced to consolidate, choose some of his favorite pictures, put the rest away. I don't think the house should be rid of all pictures. Just choose a few of your daughter, a few of your OTHER family members and mix them all in together. I don't even care all that much that there aren't any pictures of me (yet) so long as I have the one of us as a couple in the bedroom.
This not an exaggeration, btw.
I admit, I CAN handle it better and with a little talking it over with him and me finding ways to deal I am sure we'll work out more of a compromise --- but last night with the bathtub, assumed naked photos (and they were all in THIS house on top of it - so now I have a very clear visual of what they used to do in these bathrooms) just really pissed me off.
I pitched a bitch when I
I pitched a bitch when I fould pics of BM and other girlfriends in my (now DH) house after I moved in. I know that when I got divorced, I got rid of EVERY single picture of my ex, why in the world would I want any reminders of that? I have no wedding pictures, no nothing. So I guess I just assumed that is how everyone would feel.
Now, at least my DH did not pull these pictures out and TELL me to look at them, it was more I'd be looking for something in a drawer and come across a picture of BM. Or looking for something in a cabinet and found pictures of an ex GF. I flipped out and asked him if this crap was his "shrine" or something, was he not over these women or what? DH promptly gathered up the photos and threw them in the fireplace. In my DH's case it was just more lazy man syndrome. I think alot of men are terrible about pictures... I swear if I did not get pictures printed and put them in frames, we would have ZERO pictures in our house. DH just doesn't care. And I laugh to think that if anything ever happened and we split up, some new girlfriend down the road would undoubtedly find pics of me.
One time a couple of years ago, SS came over with a handful of pics of DH that BM had given him to give to DH. I was annoyed at first, but they were really nothing other than pictures of his dog or such. Definately not bathtub pics!! I can see where you would be annoyed at that. Have you told your DH that seeing pics of his previously enjoyed life bother you?
That's how I am also. I get
That's how I am also. I get rid of stuff from others for the most part. I'm really sensitive that way. In fact for a LONG time when I was dating guys, I didn't even let the guy I was dating in my apartment for extended periods of time because I didn't want any memories of heartbreak in my home. So I always went to their home instead. I don't like the feeling of "oh I remember when so-and-so and I were [insert memory of happy couple here] on that sofa.. But i'm that type of person. Very emotional. I also don't keep gifts from ex's. I give that stuff away. Everyone has a past - I just don't keep mine in tangible form to push into other peoples faces all the time.
You guys are right. I'm going
You guys are right. I'm going to have to find some way to deal with my feelings. Maybe it bothers me because pictures show a the past, but when I look up from a picture and I'm in the same home that is in the picture - it's like it's still present day. The same house, most the same furniture, the same man, the same kid -- the only thing different in them is ME not being there. It's like I'm living in someone elses life. I guess I'll just talk to him about how it makes me feel, and then find a way to get over it.
Fatty Longnose? I die, that
Fatty Longnose? I die, that is hilarious nickname!
You're probably right. The more I can change around the house, the better I will feel. Best thing would be to move into a place that we picked together, even if we're renting! Thank you - it's GREAT to know that someone knows the feeling
I totally understand. Even
I totally understand. Even though BM only lived in DH's house for about 6 months, it still bothered me that she had lived there.. that she brushed her teeth in the same sink that I did, that she took a shower in the same shower that I did. I can tell you I feel so much more "at home" if you will, since we purchased OUR new home last year. It's so nice that it is ours, and there are no memories of another woman (or man for that matter) there.
Is there any hope of SO giving this home up and the two of you getting a home together?
Yeah, I think that this is
Yeah, I think that this is just a symptom. I think it is time for you to do a MASSIVE REDECORATION of the house and eliminate the traces of BM that irk you the most. Probably very little of it actually has to do with SD, herself.
When DH and I decided we were going to get married, I dumped a lot of my past "momentos" of exes and he (and I) went through all of his photos. He sent all of the ones with PB (a lot professionally taken) in them back to her with a request that she send the ones she had of him back to her. After a LONG time, she sent back some snapshots and polaroids. Not much at all.
According to the skids, she still kept one with the whole "happy family" up on the wall. They said it was "weird." I wonder if she took it down now that she found a guy who would actually MARRY her fat ass when she did an OOPS, I got PREGNANT on HIM!
Omg, this gave me the laugh
Omg, this gave me the laugh I needed! If that is the case with you, I am sorry. Even if the ex has passed away (a widow and not an ex) I would still think it should be packed up and stored appropriately.
Mazzy, you are a better woman
Mazzy, you are a better woman than I. Of course, there wasn't EVER a time when PB and I got along. There was a brief moment of time when I thought that it would be GREAT for all us adults to be able to work together for the sake of the kids...but yeah, that was before I realized how OFF HER ROCKER she is.
She just recently got married for the first time - at least my DH had the brains to not do THAT with her - but if her dress somehow made it into MY house, I'd have to say it would come to a very tragic, accidental staining/tearing/burning incident.
HAHAH y'all are amazing! I am
HAHAH y'all are amazing! I am loving these stories
Thanks for seeing my attempt
Thanks for seeing my attempt at a bit of humor.
Once he was showing me pictures on his computer and there was one of his ex wife in a dominatrix outfit. Needless to say he didn't even hesitate when I told him send her the picture RIGHT THAT MOMENT in case she didn't have it and then delete it.
teehee - understood!
teehee - understood!
A few of you mentioned
A few of you mentioned redecorating - Yes actually, I originally came here (across state) because he said he would need help fixing up this house to sell it. Well I guess we've been fixing it up too nicely because he likes it even more now. With no plans of selling anytime in the near future! (talk about your bait and switch)
Especially his kitchen which had already been partly remodeled before I got here.. by his ex. And his daughter and even her grandmother (yes she stops by occasionally - UNANNOUNCED - to see the kiddo) will go out of their way to talk about BM having already [half assed diy] remodeled it so i shouldn't need to touch it, etc. So yes, slowly I have been trying to make the place more "mine." Like I said - it doesn't have to be void of all pictures - just be selective! Pick your favorites. It's not like every single picture ever taken needs to be framed and put up some place.
I am living in the house they
I am living in the house they shared. I wanted to sell but our sons best friends are on this block..4 years and I am out of the house when SS goes off to college.
I will tell you this, I have redecorated the entire house and had all windows and doors replaced, bay window put in. Every room has been painted and all wallpaper stripped. It is more my house now than it was hers. Now it looks good, looked terrible inside when I moved in. I have even worked over most of the yard and put in several garden areas.
As for Pics, slowly the pics of SD have been changed out with new pics. There are a few left and he asked to keep them from when she was little and a nice girl...Fine, but over time I am getting rid of those as well. Constant reminders need to go.
There are only in the hallways...None in main rooms...I hate seeing them, but eventually they will be gone...You do what you have to to make it feel like your house. DH fought me every step of the way, but it worked...I feel a little better.
Just to be clear - I don't
Just to be clear - I don't want to (nor would I ever) destroy those old pictures. I just don't want them shoved down my throat every waking moment of every day. I understand what it's like to have memories destroyed - not by a jealous lover, but I only have 2-3 pictures of my childhood because those images were lost in a car crash my parents had. I'd never want them tossed out - just put away in an album.