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What's wrong with me? I feel guilty!

Lilynadrienne's picture

Submitted by Lilynadrienne on Fri, 07/15/2011 - 3:42am

So as Ive said before Im raying to like my SD17 because DH is so good to my 2 BDs 12 n 6, he met my
BD6 when she was 2 n she calls him Daddy. Anyway we r heading out for my BD 12s softball tournament n he wasn't going to take SD with us since I made such a big fuss about our last vacay n her going. However my BD 6 asked if she could please stay with my parents for the weekend cuz she gets bored n my dh was hesitant he likes having all our kids mostly my 2 bds n our son together. BD6 convinces him to let her stay n he asks me for permission to ask SD if she can come. N now Im feeling guilty Sad I forced a smile n said of course. I remind u her BM passed 5 months after I met my DH n her n DH don't always get along so she currently lives with paternal aunt. I am trying to pretend to be fake about liking her n now Im feeling guilty for not loving her the way he loves my kids they are spoiled by him n I just can't bring myself to be like that with her guess Im just a bitch after all Wacko

Comments

NCMilGal's picture

Submitted by NCMilGal on Fri, 07/15/2011 - 5:15am

Here's the difference.

1) it's easier for kids to love a stepfather than a stepmother - even if the BM dies.
2) your kids were young enough to be open to loving your DH - SD was 13 or older when you met her!! The teenage years are tough on ANY parent!
3) if your SD17 and your DH don't get along, how in the world does he (and you) expect YOU to be the peacemaker?

You are not a bad person. Never ever think that.

Lilynadrienne's picture

Submitted by Lilynadrienne on Fri, 07/15/2011 - 9:45am

Ty Trish I've always thought it was easier for a step father to get along with step kids especially when they are young. My 12 yr old can be a handful at times but she never disrepects him in fact they both would rather behave than get a "talk" from DH. However, just seems at times like he really does want me to accept her as none of his previous gf's never did not even when she was a child. I guess he wants a postive maternal figure with her since I am educated and her BM was not I don't know that's about the only conclusion I can come up with wishing it could b easier Smile

Tmoore's picture

Submitted by Tmoore on Fri, 07/15/2011 - 10:03am

I have notice it is also easier for DH with my bio kids than it is for me with his kids. My bio kids dads are not in the picture and live with us full time, and DH is not powerless in the way our house runs. But with the skids being here EOWE, and we really have dicision making power over anything they do, at all!!!! It is more challenging for me to have a loving relationship with a kid that is not really apart of this family or household.

smileygirl's picture

Submitted by smileygirl on Fri, 07/15/2011 - 10:17am

I used to feel guilty for not being as good at being a SM as all the guys I've known have at being SDads (I'de never known a SM before)...

Then I read Step Monster and I felt much better. I agree with everyone else on this board, you haven't been given the same easy foundation that he has to build on but also

It's explained in the book and made perfect sense - Most SM's are asked to be like BM's: cook, clean, enforce rules, etc. but most Step dad's only have to work and keep mom happy and the kids are good with that and a few other things (mostly what's mentioned above) but that really hit home because it's been exactly my experience. Step Moms have to be the complete package and the kids still aren't going to want to like you because they feel they are betraying their BM. It's a tuff position and one I think you don't understand until your in it. I'm sorry your stuck in this with me, but atleast we aren't alone in it.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Fri, 07/15/2011 - 4:02pm

Oh no, you're not alone. My DH gets along GREAT with my kids (DD and DS). Their father passed away when they were very young, so my DH has become "the dad" (although neither calls him "Dad").

My skids, on the other hand, would rather we wouldn't exist. They're not fond of their mom (for multiple reasons I won't discuss here), but the're even less fond of me simply because I married their dad and brought my 2 children on scene. We have been married for 5 years and I gave up trying to be something other than invisible to the SK's a long time ago.

One difference exists that I know of -- I made it clear to my kids that they would respect DH in this household because 1) I married him, and 2) he is an adult/authority figure. That has never been reciprocated and spelled out to my SK's, therefore nothing they would just "do" on their own.