Counselor's Help?
So yesterday I was at a crossroads about whether or not I should speak to my SD16. (See yesterday's post)
I went to see a counselor b/c I am at my wit's end - I don't know how to make myself happy in my situation.
SITUATION: I live with SS22 ans SD16. Both maintain disgusting rooms and do no chores unless yelled at by DH. DH told them on Saturday night that since I pay bills, they need to respect what I say and help in things when told to. During that conversation, all SD did was roll her eyes, shift from side to side, turn her back - just acted like a total bitch; DH resorts to babying her right there and then. Gag!!
As a result of this talk, I haven't said a word to SD16; I guess I'm attempting to disengage and I don't feel like I need to acknowledge her because she's a snotty brat with no respect for her dad.
Yesterday morning, DH says, "why don't you start a conversation with SD?" I said, "why?" That was that.
Counselor says, if you feel like you get nothing out of helping with skids, don't help. Don't give SD rides to counselor, don't complain about their rooms (let them live in filth), don't clean their dishes (put them aside for them to do or DH to do), and lastly don't pay for any of their things (right now we have a joint account and DH pays SS22 car insurance on TWO cars!!). And she also said don't ignore the SD, just treat her like a roommate: good morning, how's it going, blah blah blah. I was doing that until this weekend.
So, her advise was similar to what some you advised. I'm gonna have to eat crow on the disgusting bedrooms, allow dishes to pile up, and let the bathroom get gross. I hate the idea that someone can come by my house and use that bathroom just to see a disgusting bathroom; and see dishes piled up in the kitchen, where prepare meals.
The biggest thing I have to do is stop using my money to help pay for SS22's insurance and stop helping DH do paperwork to get full custody of his DD.
I need to do this because I get emotionally attached to what were doing (esp the legal action to get SD16 full time; i don't even want her). I feel like if I cook for them, pay their bills to live hear, help fight for custody; then I should get some consideration - simply live like a civilized person in the room DH and I pay for!!
In my last post, I said DH wouldn't go to counseling; last night he said he would go -- so that's good. I hope to have a better weekend this time!
Thanks for your input. I really am grateful to hear all the different opinions.
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Comments
One thing you MIGHT consider
One thing you MIGHT consider is taking the toilet seat off the toilet. Petty but effctive.
I am sorry your life is like this. I agree with the non funding of SSs insurance and SDs transportation. 100% agree.
(((hugs))) Disengagement can
(((hugs))) Disengagement can be a wonderful thing. Good luck! Here are some helpful tips:
- Make sure you keep some clean dishes hidden so you have what you need when it's time to cook for yourself.
- Use lots of febreeze outside the skids' bedroom doors to hide the stink
- Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about your messy house. If they comment, tell them they are more than welcome to help clean up since your skids refuse.
- Treat SD like a stranger instead of a roommate (no emotional attachment whatsoever). Don't ask her any questions, that's just an opportunity for her to be snotty. Stick with "good morning", "hello" or other simple phrases.
- Instead of spending time on paperwork and money on skids' things, you should spend some time/money on YOURSELF doing what makes YOU feel good.
I took the bathroom door off
I took the bathroom door off when they did this stuff. I was nasty, complaining, whining, yelling. Quit taking them anywhere, but NOTHING worked. Until...
I started cleaning their rooms. I started doing their dishes. They wouldn't even be done MAKING the mess, and they'd turn around and it was clean. I washed and ironed for them. This lasted a week. I mean they would leave their rooms and I would go clean them. It took them a while to notice and I was ridiculous about it, like put down a dish they were still using and I would pick it up. Day 3 they started thanking me profusely. By day 6 they told me. "'Monster', you've been doing so much for us, PLEASE let us help you." NO SH*T!!
FSS13 and I have an agreement: I don't clean anything in his room but change his sheets and get his dirty clothes. He always has video game receipts and one time I thought something was garbage and threw it away and he got screwed out of his free game. I don't throw anything away. In return, he knows that when I ask him to get in his room and throw out the garbage, I mean it or I will do it myself.
I guess what I am saying is all of the extreme tactics just made me look like the @sshole. The SECOND I turned on the sicky-sweet switch, I saw results.
As far as the car insurance, I would quit paying one of the cars. If she wants two cars she needs to pay for it. I paid FSS18's insurance last month, even upped it to full coverage, even though he called me a "slut" and a "witch whispering in his ear" and told me to F off. Why? This is what will happen if you don't: They will wreck the car. Then, they will pout to Daddy that their life is effed and they have no car and Daddy will give in and it will cost YOU more money. Pay the insurance, the alternative isn't worth it. I understand this is about common sense and pride for you, but it IS NOT worth the alternative!
My DH told me last night that
My DH told me last night that he's hurt that SD16 and I aren't on speaking terms. Said he'd never to do it to my boys. He always says that, "I never would,,,,,,," about my boys. But the bottom line is MY BOYS DON'T LIVE HERE!!!! SO WE'LL NEVER KNOW WILL WE???
I HATE THE FACT THAT I'M HERE WITH THESE TWO SKIDS AND MY BOYS COME HERE OCCASIONALLY. DH says I'm bitter because of this and that's why I'm always complaining about his skids. So it's not their attitude, the mooching off of us, their selfishness, etc etc ---- no that's not it!
I have to sit down and figure out how much of my check I put into our checking account. He's gonna flip when he realizes I'm only paying my share of the insurance and bills. But you're right, I need to take care of myself.
It's been a long time since I got a massage, bought myself new shoes, did my hair...I'm losing my identity!
YES!! Do all of that for
YES!! Do all of that for yourself!! I had roots growing an inch and a half out of my head, I was exhausted and giving them all of my energy and money. FDH noticed this and made me a hair appointment, then took me there as a surprise one day. It means a lot when you are able to feel good about yourself, it means even more when your DH recognizes all that you give and gives back to just you!!