Need advice on approaching a sensitive topic in a caring way so as not to start a disagreement.
I have not been on here in a while, H and I have been going to couple's counselling and our relationship has reached a point where it's not great but it's okay, at least okay enough that we are trying to put our issues aside for a couple months so we can both be involved with our baby, who will be here in one week.
My question is, how do I tell my H that we can't keep going to court over stupid stuff with BM? Nothing ever get's resolved, he and BM fight, they have tons of mediation sessions, and in the end things just stay the way they were originally. H is spending around $600 a month on his lawyer, and because of that he's not paying his whole half of the rent or share of the bills and he hasn't bought anything for our baby because he can't "afford" it. By doing what he's doing, he is putting SS in position above the rest of the family. We just don't have the money to keep battling BM. H trying to "win" and get more time with his son is literally going to make us homeless.
I need to figure out a way to tell him that he needs to just let things go, for now*. But I need to do so in such a way that he doesn't think I don't care about his son, because I do... It's just that nothing is actually going to change right now with regards to his son, no matter how much he tries to fight it, he has 40% custody which is reasonable, he has a good relationship with SS. He needs to put more of his resources into our family, or I will not have a choice but to leave him and go live with my parents because I can't afford to keep paying the bills and more than half the rent, while he spends his money battling BM.
I just don't know how to bring this up without starting a huge fight, H is very emotional when the topic of his son is broached. He cares about our relationship, but he cares about SS more and makes that very clear. What he's not getting though is that he is definitely not going to get more custody if he ends up living in a shelter because he spent all his money on going to court. Advice please...
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He cares about our
He cares about our relationship, but he cares about SS more
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And he should. But he never should have remarried either until SS was MUCH older. I really do not understand why parents get re married when they have young kids. It is just so hard to spread yourself between your child and new spouse. Actually that is the cause of most stepparent related issues. "balance"
Anyway...I think the way you stated it here is a pretty good start.
", because I do... It's just that nothing is actually going to change right now with regards to his son, no matter how much he tries to fight it, he has 40% custody which is reasonable, he has a good relationship with SS. He needs to put more of his resources into our family"
I would bring it up at your
I would bring it up at your couple's counseling. Do your best to be logical and not emotional. If you could have the money spelled out in a spreadsheet that is black and white it will help. Chances are that your DH is clouded by his emotional involvement and isn't seeing point blank the money flow for what it is. If you have been covering everything he probably assumes it's manageable.
I also wonder if you should offer up another solution, it could be anything but for example: You are spending x per month on lawyers, if you stop the process, we can feasibly stay above water and contribute y amount per month to an account for lawyer fees. In x amount of time you will have this much, along with documentation that we have been accruing for that amount of time and you will be able to go full force once and for all rather than this back and forth mediation BS
He cares about our
He cares about our relationship, but he cares about SS more
... and apparently does not care at all about the baby you are going to have together??
what in the world are they fighting about? Does your DH want full custody or is it just petty crap?
Maybe you should try not even
Maybe you should try not even bringing up your SS and court. Stick to your bills and expenses. Tell him you can't go on paying more than 50% and show him a spreadsheet or whatever with the household expenses, including those related to your baby, and let him figure out what he is going to do, whether it is getting a 2nd job, or working OT or cutting down on lawyer fees...
I like the idea of addressing it in counseling.