HAM & BEAN Dinner Update
BF and I had a chat about my birthday and his son's ham & bean dinner. Basically my BF was upset with ME because i didn't initially suggest to change my birthday celebration! My 30thh!!!! BIRthday celebration. He thought my priorities were off because I should have wanted to go to his kid's HAM & BEAN dinner instead of my OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY!!
I was floored. Then I told him how it makes me feel second; I always get the leftovers of his time, etc. He says to me, "He is my son, I have to be there for him. He is my #1 when it comes to my child, you are my #1 when it comes to my love." Ummm...OK douchebag, but I'm still falling second to him, so in essence, I AM STILL SECOND!! He discredits my birthday because 1. "it's only a dinner" and 2. "It's not even on your actual birthday"
Seriously??! I told him I don't care if its just a dinner or a 5 star party thrown by David Tutera..IT'S MY 30TH CELEBRATION...vs a HAM & BEAN DINNER. He says his kid's dinner is a tradition they do every year and his son always comes up and "asks him for money to buy raffle tickets..." I couldn't even listen anymore...its BM's weekend, she is taking him...he can ask HER for money to buy raffle tickets!! OMG I was getting more and more disgusted with him as the convo went on so I just stopped talking and he left the house.
On Sunday BM txt him that their son is now also "crossing over" into boyscouts on the very same night so now it's like this big to-do and he has to go. But this still remains an issue for me. i told him that in this little faux family unit we've got going here, its he and i that should come first and kids second.
I told him all he is teaching his kid is that he deserves all his attention, all the time and no matter what the case maybe..he is #1 all the time. I'm sorry, but I did not grow up this way. My parents did not revolve their lives around me and my brother and we were their flesh and blood (as BF likes to refer to his kid). This kid is going to grow up with a sense of entitlement; he isn't going to be able to handle any kind of disappointment. And I told BF that he's teaching his kid that even if a commitment is made, its OK to bail on it if something better comes along. He doesn't see this situation that way. I told him YES..it IS.. We had a plan to celebrate my birthday. Something comes up with your kid and you bail on me...BECAUSE ITS SOMETHING BETTER YOU'D RATHER DO!!!" OMG i swear he is SO DENSE
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Comments
First of all....this is a
First of all....this is a celebration for a milestone birthday that SOMEONE ELSE has planned FOR you. It would seem disrespectful, IMO, if you would ask them to switch the date this late in the game.
Second of all....give ME a break. Your BF is an idiot and probably not over BM yet. He is willing to do backflips for her (all in the name of poor SS) and treat you as an afterthought. Not even to mention the PPP (piss poor parenting) that putting your child at the center of the universe involves.
Plus, even if it IS something better that he'd rather do..than celebrating his GF's 30th b-day with her?!?!?!? That would be really offensive to me. You'd rather spend time with BM than with me. For a dinner that happens YEARLY versus a once in a lifetime milestone event.
A kid doesn't "pass over" into Boy Scouts if he has no intention of BEING in Boy Scouts! I wonder how much BM knows about how much this is messing with your relationship? She has to be grinning like a Cheshire Cat about it, if she does.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life??
We talked about that, too. I
We talked about that, too. I don't believe I can be happy falling 2nd to my BF's kid for the rest of my life. I suggested we go to counseling over this issue because he clearly has 2 lists going. Me and his Kid..However his Kid's "list" always trumps "my" list.
This is what I would have
This is what I would have said as well. I would be livid and I would see it the same way this poster did. He is bailing on you to go spend time with BM and his kid when it is a minor activity and his presence is not needed. He wants to go to it and that is very clear where that leaves you on the totem pole.
My ss11 has a father son
My ss11 has a father son campout that falls on the weekend of my birthday every year. They haven't gone since we got married 4 years ago. He knows better - plus, soccer in the fall is more important than father son campout. Your bf is being a dick
he is being a willfully
he is being a willfully ignorant prick. i would be reconsidering this relationship because it's likely that this is far from the last time this kind of crap is going to happen if you stay with him. it's bad enough that he bailed on you, but that he expects you to bail on the dinner yourself for his kid (NOT your flesh and blood) is over the top. i would rip him a new one and walk out. freaking asshole.
I love the, "willfully
I love the, "willfully ignorant prick" I will have to start using that. I agree with you bi. He is really a selfish idiot.
That is what would have sent
That is what would have sent me over the edge too, the fact that it is BM'S WEEKEND!!! It is not even something that is happening on BF's time! Bullshit.
When he told you to suggest
When he told you to suggest changing it- you should have countered with asking him to ask the scout leaders to change their date. It's about that ridiculous. Bottom line, your dh had plans with YOU on a skid free weekend. He is choosing to put his kid first.
I'm still tripping over the
I'm still tripping over the fact he expected you to change your plans for his kid.
Go the the party without your BF and enjoy yourself. It sounds like you're still living on your own, which is a very good thing for you right now.
You're 30th birthday may be a very good time to take stock of your situation and decide if you want to move forward with this man or move on.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, and some of them don't even have guppies!
ETA - I meant go without your BF, not go with him.
Thanks All...I went into the
Thanks All...I went into the weekend 100% sure I was right in this situation. By the Sunday evening I was questioning myself - aka - am i being too stubborn? But ya know what..I still feel angry, hurt, and kicked to the side. I can't let this go. I I told BF I want to see a counselor on this - he is willing to go. I think he expects a counselor to side with him. This makes me resent his kid..resent him. I already told him today that i want some priority put on talking to someone because I highly doubt i will be happy always coming in second place. I found some literature through my employer's wellness program about creating a strong couple relationship in a step family..it talked about the importance of having a strong relationship with your partner as it is best for the children. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND...it also talked about how some parents fall into this mode of putting their kid first because of the trauma they went through of the parents splitting up. I forwarded it to him and I hope he reads it..
I don't think you have to be
I don't think you have to be there, but if he is crossing over, Dad has to be there. It is a really big deal. Crossover was a tearjerker for me...Very important.
Do your own thing. You mentioned he wasn't particpating in Boy Scouts the following year, why then would he cross over?
That is only done when you select a troop. I am a volunteer for our local council, in fact the Program Chair for the program. My way of giving back for everything it did for my son. It doesn't make sense that he would cross over without the intention of continuing on into the program.
If he is continuing, I stand with what I said. DAD should be there. It is a big one in scouting.
Hi StepASide! I hear what
Hi StepASide! I hear what you're saying about blowing this out of proportion. I'm putting my foot down on this situation because I am always the one making the changes for the benefit of him and his kids. I'm always sensitive to the fact "he has kids". I thought for once, on my 30th birthday, that I would be able to come first. It hurts a lot that even now I still fall second and less important than his kid. I'm not even trying to talk him into coming because of the "crossing over" event. I don't want to have to guilt him or talk him into spending time with me because i know deep in his heart he doesn't want to be there. Which hurts! I don't feel like everyone's support is swaying me one way or the other..If everyone on here told me I was wrong..then something must be wrong with me and my way of thinking/feeling. But thats not the case. I may end up having to move on down the road if we go and talk to someone and nothing changes. I told my BF if the professional decision is that I'm wrong, that the child does in fact come first no matter what, then I guess I am wrong and I either have to deal an find happiness..or leave. But in my heart I truly feel like the couple's relationship comes first. i know I will not raise my kids to think they are the center of the universe..they need to see that the parents have a strong relationship and they put eachother first especially at important points of eachother's life.
The lesson I learned is
The lesson I learned is though our relationship should (and now) does come first, there are times when the needs of my DH's kid will be a priority over everything else.
It's learning to balance these things and given your description of the situation, there is no balance in your relationship.
A "professional" is not going to solve your problems because regardless of what they say. Right or wrong, you will still be resentful that once again you're taking the back seat to your BF's kid.
I also don't believe having your own kids would have changed the way you feel. It is a fallacy those with kids throw out at us non-parents to shut us up. What kind of an opposing argument would we have to that?
It's not about the skids coming first, in fact this could have been about his mother or father or cousin or job or favorite TV show. You don't feel you're a priority in your BF's life and that you get shoved to the side when something else comes along.
I'm willing to wager that this is deeper than a skid issue and the 30th birthday party (that's been in the works for over 3 weeks) was your wake up call.
Don't put a lot of weight on
Don't put a lot of weight on what a therapist thinks. Most of the time they do not get blending families and do more harm than good.
I do think he should be there for the cross over, but I do think if he is not actually crossing over, than the dad needs to go with you. He needs to be there for your birthday. This is an ordinary COH (Court of Honor or Blue and Gold dinner for Cub scouts) and not necessary for both parents to be there. Cross overs are a different thing and have a lot of ceremony attached to them. A parent would feel bad not attending.
I think you need to inquire as to why he would be participating in a cross over if there is no intention to continue on in scouting. If he is continuing on, you need to understand that that is a huge time restraint on both the kid and the dad going forward. If he is planning on going all the way to Eagle, which is usually the intention here once you have crossed over, that is a huge commitment for the dad. If you are resenting it now, can you imagine when he is camping or some other activity at least once or twice a month. For us, the commitment was one campout a month and another activity that month along with a weekly meeting. Huge commitment for the entire family.
BM told my BF that the cross
BM told my BF that the cross over is occurring at the same time as the ham & bean dinner...in the church basement..i would think this ceremony would be a separate event at the end of the cub scout year..but I'm not too knowledgeable about the whole cub scout thing..
My BF's kid is way more into
My BF's kid is way more into sports than cub scouts..I think he just likes to go and play with his friends..I would be extremely surprised if he continued on after 1 year of boy scouts..
I'm not sure why everyone on
I'm not sure why everyone on here thinks its just so easy to change the day of the party. The date has been reserved at the resuraunt...invitations have been sent...the date is set. Changing Tue date of a large party/gathering this late in the game is like asking someone to just move their wedding back a day. Its not that simple.
I'm not sure how important this ham and bean dinner is, so I can't speak to if dad should skip it or not. But expecting op to move or miss her own party that they already had plans for is way out of line.
I agree with both of you. I
I agree with both of you.
I think this is a very unbalance relationship, where Lola is expected to make the sacrifices.
The ham & bean dinner isn't the real issue, neither is the skid. The real problem is the BF constant inconsideration towards Lola's needs.
I think he stepped over the line and just assumed she would just take it again. It seems his expectations of her "place" in his life finally pushed her too far.
No, she never gave exact
No, she never gave exact details. That was just my impression when in her previous post she said that her parents were "throwing her a party" and that is was a "birthday celebration". She said that theyve been discussing the plans for months and that its been set in stone for three weeks. Just gave me the impression that it was bigger than just a dinner at moms house. I don't know anyone that plans on a regular dinner at moms house for months.
I think she mentioned in her
I think she mentioned in her original post (or in one of her responses) the other day, that her parents planned and sent out invitations for her birthday at a restaurant approximately three weeks ago. I don't remember the size of the party, but it seemed significant.
The cub scouts thing was just announced the other day.
At first this whole thing seemed silly to me. I kept thinking to myself, why can't she go to the event her parents are throwing for her and he attends the cub scout event? And the compromise would be the BF taking her out to dinner one evening, just the two of them. Not a satisfactory compromise, but a compromise all the same.
However, as I read more and more of her comments, I came to realize this is a lot deeper than ham & beans & birthdays. I think Lola has come to a crossroads in her relationship and these two events exacerbated the real issue. I get the feeling she is expected to make all of the compromises and bend in every situation.
LOL...A restaurant shindig
LOL...A restaurant shindig would have been lovely with my family LOL But I didn't want my parents to have to spend a lot of money on a restaurant party. So, My parents are hosting a party at their house with relatives and I think some friends..not sure who RSVP'd yes at this point.
We have the kids A LOT..we do EVERYTHING with them. They come to dinner with us on his weekends, we watch movies together, go to the mall together..we do EVERYTHING together. If it's a me & him night or weekend and his kid has a practice, a game, anything..he goes and THEN he and I do something; or I go to the games, practices, whatever with my BF. This is the norm. I may be being selfish about my 30th, but this is the ONE time I am being selfish and actually putting my foot down. I never make a big deal about things..of course I may complain a little to him about spending half of our alone night at a kid activity, but I don't pitch a fit and battle him out about it. I may complain, but I still comply.. this is the only time I'm sticking to my guns..
I agree lavender. My dh has
I agree lavender. My dh has had two deployment and also lived on base 2 hours from us for an additional two freaking years due to an injury. I could not even begin to count the "rights of passage" that he missed for our kids- but they are all fine. Seriously. Honor roll students, well adjusted, they love their dad- the only kid that is an issue is ss and well he's always been an issue even before the deployments!
If the kid is crossing over
If the kid is crossing over in scouts, that is a big deal and the dad shouldn't miss it. If he is not crossing over, than this is not a big deal and the dad should be with the girlfriend.
Cross overs are a big deal in the life of a girl or boy scout and both parents should be there.