I am trying
I try real hard with sd's, but sometimes the younger SD, and the oldest SD, just annoy the shit out of me.. I mean, were all adult's here, I don't see my mom a whole lot, maybe once a year, I see her... These flipping "SD'S" call all the time, or the younger of the SD's comes over, all the time, without calling. Youngest Sd brings over the grandchild, her son. and he just gets into everything without asking. I mean shit, between each of the gch, and her adult dd's who act like babies, time is always spent with them, when it comes to spending time with their mom. My so, already has seven gch, so between all the gch, are time is already spent 70% with her dd's... Don't forget, my dw's dd's have birthday's too... I'm not a greedy man, I'm not jealous, I'm not abusive, or controlling, I just want fair time with my wife without any freaking interference, meaning, no phone calls all day long from her dd's... dw and I, have a dd together, with special needs. She needs her time with her bm too, she is 13... I think sd's get jealous of their sis, they won't participate her in anything they do together, and or with their kids, like when they go see movies, or when they do something fun. Someday I have dreams to move to Australia, dw won't move there because of her dd's, I am even having a hard time to convince her to move to Utah, or Arizona, because I always wanted to live in the desert, I mean a home near the desert. I can't even own a cat because two of the sd's have asthma... The oldest SD and I, butt heads, because I won't let her, and her dh walk all over us, like when they come Over and expect us to turn our movie off, because of their beliefs... I don't know how far thinking the SD's would go to try and get rid of me, I know they slander my name, I know they talk about me...Sometimes I wonder if the oldest does things to to try and get us to divorce.... I won't leave, the minute I am out of the picture, my dd will be left out, and she will never see see her bm very much, because there would be 7 gch over. I have control in my home, like, I told my dw that I don't care if the gch come over, but one family at a time, Because we live in a basement with one bedroom that our daughter gets, our bed is in the living room.. We have a stove, microwave, fridge, sink, kitchen, bathroom, everything we need, even space for people to come over, for a sleep over. My dw is taking care of her dad, he is giving us the house when he dies, if she takes care of him, I'd rather have a home already, but what ever, I can't complain. But, I tell my wife, one family at a time... I let her visit her dd's when ever dw wants, I just ask that she's takes time for us, hardly happens... Please don't complain in my comments, I have no where else to vent, this is where I vent, makes me feel better.. Feels good to know I am not alone. If you see a spelling error, or typo, I am sorry, if I didn't use the proper step family code, just be kind and let me know , no need to be rude... Thanks for letting Me vent, and thank you for reading, and any tips you want to give, I'd like to hear your point of view, just be respectful, please... I have big thumbs. and there may be typos, that, or, I just over looked the errors.
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Have you and your wife discussed this?
These SDs really sound needy and I'm sure they are glomming on to mom for attention, babysitting and everything else. They both sound immature. It sounds like they live nearby, too bad.
I have a feeling your wife must enjoiy it, or at least think it's normal. Perhaps if you guys talked about how often the girls are there, how you'd really like more time just with her (date nights?), how concerned you are about DD having enough time with her, maybe she would make some changes. You and I know nothing will change unless she initiates it. So, the key is getting her to see the light.
Good luck, you sound like a nice man.
Flashing back
Im flashing back to myself in my early 20's. My sister-in-law and I would load up our 4 little kids and a playpen and drive to my mother-in-law's house once a week. We'd drop off the kids and go shopping. My MIL worked cleaning housrs so this must have been on her day off. I dont think either of us ever gave one thought to whether she'd prefer to rest, or what her plans might be.
Perhaps your SDs are as immature and thoughtless as I was. Maybe if mom talks to them, they'll wake up. I never gave it a thought til today.
Thanks
Thanks for your opinion, I really like your idea, I need to get her to understand the fact of two people.. Basically explaining to her, that two people in a marriage have want's, and if I am fulfilling her wants, in her life, then she needs to fulfill mine..I just have to find a way to get her to see that in a respectful manner... I have three sd's, and the oldest is such an adult baby, never known a grown adult could act 12, at twenty something years old. I know it's crazy to think this way, but do you think her dd's come together and find ways to get me to leave my so? Her middle dd got married and I could have sworn they planned to have me feel left out, like having to fight to be part of the wedding pictures, and then I couldn't find my so for like a long ass time, like over an hour, sittingall alone looking like an idot. I was all by myself not knowing what to do sitting at a table of people who looked at me, thinking to themselves, where's his wife? I know my so wanted to be around her dd, but we both didn't have any big parts of wedding, we just walked behind certain people when the wedding started... then after the ceremony I had to ask, am I getting a pic with the step daughter? I wasn't jealous, and not a jealous man, and I wouldn't have been mad or upset if my so just came and told me she would be a while, that's what made me think those snobby sd's had a plan to make me feel left out. You know, I played right into their hand, I gave them what they wanted, they wanted me upset, and that's what happened... My so, means well, I know she didn't mean to make me upset, I almost walked out, nobody should feel that way at a wedding. Especially someone's so.. I am not a jealous so, I just ask that she make an effort to want time with me, I don't ask her to spend time with me, I wait and see if she initiates it herself without me asking for her time... Thanks for your open ear and hear me out, nice to vent...
Thoughtless SDs
I have to confess I was as thoughtless as your SDs when I got married the first time at 18. I never gave my step-dad one single thought, nada. Later, my mom said he came home, thru his tux on the bed and said, "I'm done!" I doubt they had a plan to exclude you, they were just thoughtless. I'm not making excuses for them, just relating how my young self was too self-absorbed to think about anyone else's feelings.
I think its time you sit your wife down and explain
The importance of me time for your household. Too often people forget this till its too late. Its important in early days of marriage to have husband/wife me time so skids see this as a normal part of marriage. Revolving everything around adult skids and grandkids is a recipe for failure
Hello
I can agree with that... Thanks...
Are you hoping that she would
Are you hoping that she would go a whole day without talking with her daughter? It sounds like they do have a close relationship and that your wife has not wanted to set up any boundaries with her kids.. or them bringing over the grandkids frequently.
I can definitely see how that might make your home less peaceful than you might otherwise want it to be.
But, while your relationship with YOUR mom was one way.. doesn't mean others don't have different ones. I used to talk to my mom daily.. maybe not several times a day (excessive).. but usually once. would that level of contact bother you too?
I certainly think it's reasonable for you to talk with your wife about carving out certain time.. or having some boundaries on visitors.. it's polite to let someone know you are coming over.. and there is nothing wrong with her letting the call go to VM or letting the non-urgent text go unanswered if you are enjoying a night out together.
You also appear unhappy that your skids don't have much relationship with your younger daughter that has special needs. Unfortunately, it may just be that they will not be close to her.. for a variety of reasons.. and just being related doesn't necessarily mean they are obligated to include her in their social life and outings. She should, of course, be included in family events such as weddings etc.. to the extent she is able to (not sure what her special needs entail). If there is a decent age difference... sometimes the closeness just doesn't materialize with skids and other bios. Without more context it's tough to know why invitations aren't extended.. but perhaps as adults with young kids.. they don't feel they are in the same social place as your 13 yo daughter.
I do think that you should work on the issues that directly impact YOU with your wife.. if she is takign calls when you are on a date.. that is rude right? she needs to understand that. If she is constantly accepting company in the home.. when you aren't up for it.. that's also unfair.. these are two areas I can see you should be talking to her about how you can be on the same page.
Hello
I'm alright with her having a relationship with her dd's, and I told her in the beginning when I met her, I wouldn't be with a person who neglected their kids because her EX had gotten their dd's to call her names, like crack whore, and all sorts, and she didn't want to be around them much because of that. I had stepped in and had the sd's stop calling their mom names.. I taught them respect, and they grew to be better. Taught my sonto stand up for herself. I dont think the oldest sd really liked that too much, lol. so I am not jealous, or care if she has a relationship with them, but for us to grow, we have to have time together. Her three dd's are adults now, and have husband's and kids and should be spending like 70% of time with them. As far as their sister goes, yes, they should make time for her too, they should include her things. They include all their kids together, like my dd's nephew's and niece's, so why not their sister?
Sorry to hear this..
Sounds like you have a lot to be frustrated about. I suggest you eat the elephant one bite at a time. Start with trying to carve more time out for you and your wife to strengthen your bond. Also, consider asking that some of the group activities include your dd. Zoos, festivals, a day at the pool, beach, park, You don't say how old you and your wife are - that sort of factors in. I found that when the grandkids are young - there are a lot more visits to grandparents. As the g-kids get older their activities and school cause a drop off in visits. Also, the parents don't need help/breaks as much at that point. Your wife seems to enjoy having her crew over. Care taking is hard and consuming and y'all are living in tight quarters - so your frustration is understandable. Hang in there.
I think with his daughter he
I think with his daughter he needs to decide how important he thinks the relationship to these older women is. Are they the kind of people he wants his daughter to become? Also, he may need to accept that his stepdaughters may be in a completely different phase in their lives as adults with children vs a 13 year old girl.
Now, if HE wants to organize some activities.. and include his daughter and his SD's maybe that would foster a relationship.. or possibly encourage his wife to do so.
In the end, he can't force his stepdaughters to want to have a fully involved relationship with his daughter. In fact, it may be the case that they resent the fact that her special needs took time and attention from them over the years.. it's not totally unusual for kids "without the needs" to end up having to accept less because a sibling needs more..and I have seen resentment from some of those people over the situation.
Again, it's not his daughter's fault.. but it may be that a close relationship isn't in the cards and exposing her to potential disappointments isn't worth it.